. . .
. . . .
. . . . .
He's now officially my Fiancee!!!
Just check out the pics below for details. . . . Happy lang me, kaya I thought of sharing the news with friends. . . Always include us in your prayers ha!!!
Monday, December 20, 2004
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Hunting for greener pastures
*Sigh* I'm so damn board. Our server in Singapore is down, and everything I need to do is on that damn system. Hmmm. . . what can I do? An hour to go before I can finally leave for the day. *Sigh* I may as well have gone on a half day leave, afterall I have not done anything since the system went down at around one (1) this afternoon. *Sigh*
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Going nuts . . .
This week has been the longest week of my life. Since time immemorial, Myke and I have not been away from each other for more than two days. And two days seemed unbearable at that time, till I was forced to face an entire week without Myke. Yeah, yeah I know! It's corny as hell but I can't just order my heart to stop. It continously yearns for him, and the churning in my stomach begins, and my dreamlike state haunts on.
This week. I can't really remember what single thing I was able to accomplish at work. In the office, all I can think about is going home, to stay in bed the whole 6 days he'll be gone and sleep the time away. Oh, without him has reminded me of a lot of things. I'm so pathetically alone! I've just been living these past six days as if I am high on something, as if I am watching myself go through my daily routine from afar.
Hmmmm, now about tomorrow. He'll be arriving at around 7:30 pm, he says. Oh, I wish it would be earlier. I'm so excited, I can't seem to stay put in one place. The butterflies in my stomach have just doubled their fluttering. Oh, however will I be able to sleep. How can I go through work tomorrow. All I can think about is being with him again.
Pathetic, yes that's what I am. I don't even know if he's even half as excited as I am to be back home. Hmmm, what shall we do tomorrow? How will we celebrate his return? Hmmmm, how can I make it so special? Holy shit! I'm so damn excited. . . . I have to calm down!!!
Welcome back my baby!!!
This week. I can't really remember what single thing I was able to accomplish at work. In the office, all I can think about is going home, to stay in bed the whole 6 days he'll be gone and sleep the time away. Oh, without him has reminded me of a lot of things. I'm so pathetically alone! I've just been living these past six days as if I am high on something, as if I am watching myself go through my daily routine from afar.
Hmmmm, now about tomorrow. He'll be arriving at around 7:30 pm, he says. Oh, I wish it would be earlier. I'm so excited, I can't seem to stay put in one place. The butterflies in my stomach have just doubled their fluttering. Oh, however will I be able to sleep. How can I go through work tomorrow. All I can think about is being with him again.
Pathetic, yes that's what I am. I don't even know if he's even half as excited as I am to be back home. Hmmm, what shall we do tomorrow? How will we celebrate his return? Hmmmm, how can I make it so special? Holy shit! I'm so damn excited. . . . I have to calm down!!!
Welcome back my baby!!!
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
My baby in Germany!
Well, you can guess it right! I am at my lowest point these days. I hate my job and my bebe's not beside me to comfort me and encourage me to spare some thread of patience. Come to think of it, I did not accomplish anything today in the office. I just browsed through the internet the whole day looking for a better job. Anyway, I'm a little too tired to express exactly how depressed I am. All I know is this week seems like a dream. It's as if I'm in a state of disbelief, distinct from reality, separate from the living and the moving world. I have never been so far from my bebe this long. I cannot remember the last time Myke and I did not see each other for more than a day or two. This week will be the longest week of my life. Waaaaahhhhh . . . .
At least my baby looks so cute in his "harry potter" scarf. . . may matching salamin pa!!!!!
At least my baby looks so cute in his "harry potter" scarf. . . may matching salamin pa!!!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
My Purposeless Driven Life
I find myself visiting the "Our Lady of Guadalupe" chapel yesterday. After working here for 10 months, yesterday was the first time I ever laid eyes on the magnificent image of Jospeh and the child Jesus together. It's sad to realize I have stayed away from Him for so long, yet I do not feel spiritually empty. Yes, my confusion and depression is beyond words. But to say I have forgotten my faith and turned my back on Him is simply not true.
I think I have mentioned previously in one of my blogs that I just love to bask in the silence and warmth God makes me feel when I am with Him. I have no words, because I have ran out of prayers, or perhaps I simply do not know what to ask or to be thankful for. You are right, perhaps I am screwed.
It's funny how this sudden depression has come over me when everything has fallen into place. When my family is at peace, when my relationship with Myke is at its best, when I have found real friends. Perhaps it is from my disatisfaction with work. I don't know. Is it just stress? All I know is I crave for rest. I wonder how it would feel to take a prolonged vacation, like for a month. To have no care, to have no worries.
To bury myself into the depths of the earth. To be Lestat, minus the blood-drinking.
I think I have mentioned previously in one of my blogs that I just love to bask in the silence and warmth God makes me feel when I am with Him. I have no words, because I have ran out of prayers, or perhaps I simply do not know what to ask or to be thankful for. You are right, perhaps I am screwed.
It's funny how this sudden depression has come over me when everything has fallen into place. When my family is at peace, when my relationship with Myke is at its best, when I have found real friends. Perhaps it is from my disatisfaction with work. I don't know. Is it just stress? All I know is I crave for rest. I wonder how it would feel to take a prolonged vacation, like for a month. To have no care, to have no worries.
To bury myself into the depths of the earth. To be Lestat, minus the blood-drinking.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Remembering the old times. . .
I used to hate staying at home. I hated being there. I hated seeing them. I hated feeling guilty knowing how much I have neglected them. I hated seeing the need in their eyes. The need for me.
Though everything is at peace now, between me and my family, sadness overwhelms me whenever I think of all the time I have wasted not being with them. I'd begin wondering how many more years God would grant my parents to make memories with us. Then I'd begin wishing I could just throw all obligations aside and just spend every waking moment with my family. *Sigh*
I find it laughable, people who seem so all-knowing. People who walk cushioned by their boastful air of self-confidence and unedending wisdom. It's comical really.
*Sigh* This is still one of the million moments I wish I could just bury myself into the earth and let time pass me by. To just be. To be one with the whining of the wind as it combs through the thick mane of the tall lush green grasses on a far away meadow where the flowers of the earth remain undistrurbed. To be one with the clouds, where the sun enjoys playing picasso using the sky as its limitless canvass, splashing magnificent colors of orange, red blue, purple, yellow and green. To be one with the sound of nothing, consumed only by peace . . . nothing more.
Is it normal? To feel so tired, to be so disinheartened with life, to be so confused and without direction, to be so empty. Is it a crime against the expectations of people to be so weak?
Perhaps I am a disappointment, but I answer only to God.
Though everything is at peace now, between me and my family, sadness overwhelms me whenever I think of all the time I have wasted not being with them. I'd begin wondering how many more years God would grant my parents to make memories with us. Then I'd begin wishing I could just throw all obligations aside and just spend every waking moment with my family. *Sigh*
I find it laughable, people who seem so all-knowing. People who walk cushioned by their boastful air of self-confidence and unedending wisdom. It's comical really.
*Sigh* This is still one of the million moments I wish I could just bury myself into the earth and let time pass me by. To just be. To be one with the whining of the wind as it combs through the thick mane of the tall lush green grasses on a far away meadow where the flowers of the earth remain undistrurbed. To be one with the clouds, where the sun enjoys playing picasso using the sky as its limitless canvass, splashing magnificent colors of orange, red blue, purple, yellow and green. To be one with the sound of nothing, consumed only by peace . . . nothing more.
Is it normal? To feel so tired, to be so disinheartened with life, to be so confused and without direction, to be so empty. Is it a crime against the expectations of people to be so weak?
Perhaps I am a disappointment, but I answer only to God.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Calling it quits. . .
Myke and I have decided to call it quits, finally.
I guess I've always known that I my future lies with my family. Being the youngest, people always get the impression that I grew up spoiled and pampered. On the contrary, being the youngest has caused much pressure on me. My parents are now both in their 70's, I live only to serve them. I have a sister who emotionally depends on me. I once believed my mission was only to my family. Perhaps I was right.
When Myke entered my life, I thought maybe something bigger was in store for me. Perhaps I will not grow old and die alone afterall. Perhaps I have a bigger responsibility to serve. Believe it or not I used to make my niece promise me that she'll let me crash in her big shiny mansion when I grow old and wrinkled. With Myke, everything in my life changed.
*Sigh* Anyway, I'll elaborate more on this some other day. I guess my mind is still too jumbled up to really put into words exactly what I feel.
Whatever happens, I wish you would always pray for both Myke's and my own happiness.
I guess I've always known that I my future lies with my family. Being the youngest, people always get the impression that I grew up spoiled and pampered. On the contrary, being the youngest has caused much pressure on me. My parents are now both in their 70's, I live only to serve them. I have a sister who emotionally depends on me. I once believed my mission was only to my family. Perhaps I was right.
When Myke entered my life, I thought maybe something bigger was in store for me. Perhaps I will not grow old and die alone afterall. Perhaps I have a bigger responsibility to serve. Believe it or not I used to make my niece promise me that she'll let me crash in her big shiny mansion when I grow old and wrinkled. With Myke, everything in my life changed.
*Sigh* Anyway, I'll elaborate more on this some other day. I guess my mind is still too jumbled up to really put into words exactly what I feel.
Whatever happens, I wish you would always pray for both Myke's and my own happiness.
Monday, August 09, 2004
Collateral. . . . damaged!
What can I say about the movie?
ZZZzzzzz . . . ZZZzzzzz . . . ZZZzzzzz . . .
It was a total bore. It lacked action. It lacked suspense. It drove me to the brink of deep sleep. If they converted it into a 10 minute movie it would have gotten a better review from me. . . at least it wasn't a 2-hour waste of time. Anyway, the gist of the story could have been squeezed within that 10 minute period, all the rest was just . . . air.
===***===
I received another call from Accenture today. They were scheduling me for a closing interview. I didn't know how to turn down an outrageous job offer from one of my most ideal companies. She then clarifies that they were offering me regular position afterall. But a data analyst?!? I was an inch away to asking if they had other job openings where I would be more suitable. . . I postponed the interview next week. They may, or they may not call. One thing's for sure though. . . I couldn't stop myself from thinking if I am making a mistake for passing up this opportunity.
ZZZzzzzz . . . ZZZzzzzz . . . ZZZzzzzz . . .
It was a total bore. It lacked action. It lacked suspense. It drove me to the brink of deep sleep. If they converted it into a 10 minute movie it would have gotten a better review from me. . . at least it wasn't a 2-hour waste of time. Anyway, the gist of the story could have been squeezed within that 10 minute period, all the rest was just . . . air.
===***===
I received another call from Accenture today. They were scheduling me for a closing interview. I didn't know how to turn down an outrageous job offer from one of my most ideal companies. She then clarifies that they were offering me regular position afterall. But a data analyst?!? I was an inch away to asking if they had other job openings where I would be more suitable. . . I postponed the interview next week. They may, or they may not call. One thing's for sure though. . . I couldn't stop myself from thinking if I am making a mistake for passing up this opportunity.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
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Death of an illusion
Well I think I woke up being nervous. My big phone interview was this afternoon, and I had no idea what kind of questions they would be asking. I guess what made me doubly nervous was that I really wanted to get in. Accenture was an ideal company for me, with my kind of education and experience-wise background.
You could sense I was out of myself the whole day. Some part of me wanted it to be over and done with, yet still some part of me wanted to escape what is to come. Hahaha. . . you can bet I was unproductive as hell at work!!! What did I do all day? I cut tiny pieces of paper strips. . . well ofcourse they had a purpose, but still to spend the whole damn day doing that? Haha! If only my boss knows. . .
Anyway, a few minutes before my interview, I was all flusterred. I felt I was self-combusting!!! I had to pee twice in an hour. . . . Anyway, they called late at around 3:20 p.m.
All my illusions of finally settling for a job I love died during the first minute of that interview. In all honesty, I didn't know if I should feel sad, disappointed, insulted, or angry. They were offering me a position at their Business Processing Outsourcing unit (BPO). She explained that they were considering me for a non-technical position. Big foreign companies were gonna send documents here for analysis and error correction. I mean, what on earth does that mean? And she continues by asking me what do I think data analysis is. . . What the hell!?!? Data analysis could be a lot of things. . . it can be financial analysis. . . it may mean analyzing the business process efficiency of a company. . . then she asks me if I am amendable to a shifting schedule, and further clarifies that it was a contractual position renewable annually. Like, hello??? Why would I, a regular employee in one of the Big 5 US companies, owning blue chip stocks, enjoying a reasonable compensation package even minutely consider transferring to the b.s. job she is offering me?!?! Like my God!
Never in my wildest dreams did the thought of ever rejecting an offer from Accenture ever crossed my mind. What does it take to get a good position in that company? I am not a genius but I can hold my own. . . Hay. . .
After the interview, and after my devastation reached some sense of rest, I started wondering why? I have always believed in God's wisdom. I have always believed that He always has a purpose. Then the answer came to me. I have never been comfortable, and never felt at home in my company, because I've always known, at the back of my head, that I would some day leave. Perhaps, my future does infact belong in 3M. Perhaps, God was telling me to let go of a dream that wasn't meant to be. Maybe. . . I believe it is so.
But still, I found Accenture's offer to me scandalous! Data analyst my ass! Hahahaha. . . .
Anyway, Anj and I met up today. She plans to buy a new external cd-rw. I can't wait 'till pay day. . . Hay, would be so nice to have some money to burn. . . yeah, as if! Anyway, it would be nice to burn all that money on my bills!!! At least, for a while I'd know how it feels to be not in debt. Bwahahaha. . .
Tomorrow, I shall cut more paper! hahaha. . .
You could sense I was out of myself the whole day. Some part of me wanted it to be over and done with, yet still some part of me wanted to escape what is to come. Hahaha. . . you can bet I was unproductive as hell at work!!! What did I do all day? I cut tiny pieces of paper strips. . . well ofcourse they had a purpose, but still to spend the whole damn day doing that? Haha! If only my boss knows. . .
Anyway, a few minutes before my interview, I was all flusterred. I felt I was self-combusting!!! I had to pee twice in an hour. . . . Anyway, they called late at around 3:20 p.m.
All my illusions of finally settling for a job I love died during the first minute of that interview. In all honesty, I didn't know if I should feel sad, disappointed, insulted, or angry. They were offering me a position at their Business Processing Outsourcing unit (BPO). She explained that they were considering me for a non-technical position. Big foreign companies were gonna send documents here for analysis and error correction. I mean, what on earth does that mean? And she continues by asking me what do I think data analysis is. . . What the hell!?!? Data analysis could be a lot of things. . . it can be financial analysis. . . it may mean analyzing the business process efficiency of a company. . . then she asks me if I am amendable to a shifting schedule, and further clarifies that it was a contractual position renewable annually. Like, hello??? Why would I, a regular employee in one of the Big 5 US companies, owning blue chip stocks, enjoying a reasonable compensation package even minutely consider transferring to the b.s. job she is offering me?!?! Like my God!
Never in my wildest dreams did the thought of ever rejecting an offer from Accenture ever crossed my mind. What does it take to get a good position in that company? I am not a genius but I can hold my own. . . Hay. . .
After the interview, and after my devastation reached some sense of rest, I started wondering why? I have always believed in God's wisdom. I have always believed that He always has a purpose. Then the answer came to me. I have never been comfortable, and never felt at home in my company, because I've always known, at the back of my head, that I would some day leave. Perhaps, my future does infact belong in 3M. Perhaps, God was telling me to let go of a dream that wasn't meant to be. Maybe. . . I believe it is so.
But still, I found Accenture's offer to me scandalous! Data analyst my ass! Hahahaha. . . .
Anyway, Anj and I met up today. She plans to buy a new external cd-rw. I can't wait 'till pay day. . . Hay, would be so nice to have some money to burn. . . yeah, as if! Anyway, it would be nice to burn all that money on my bills!!! At least, for a while I'd know how it feels to be not in debt. Bwahahaha. . .
Tomorrow, I shall cut more paper! hahaha. . .
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Great expectation, major put-offs
Hmmmm.... Catwoman. I was actually looking forward to seeing it. Myke and I have been terribly busy these last couple of days, seeing a movie seems awfully relieving. As usual, I felt guilty leaving the office on time. . . . haha! As if I had to feel guilt over it. Anyway, it does seem wierd with me leaving my officemates behind. Well, what the hell should I do? Cheer them on as they go about their jobs? I don't think so. Anyway, I know where my heart belongs.
Anyway, I guess I can say the movie started out alright. The major turn-off came during the part where Midnight transformed Patience into Catwoman. Wooaahh, is that cartoon I'm seeing? Hehehe. . . I guess I was disappointed with the CGI after seeing Spiderman. I mean Spiderman had some pretty incredible scenes, so wonderful you wouldn't have the time to stop and mull over whether that stunt was real or computer generated.
Another big disappointment was Halle's catwoman costume. What is that? With matching "pok-er" lipstick? If I didn't know I was watching Catwoman, I'd think she was some masuchistic prostitute or something. . . Anyway, the story was terrible!!!! As in, excruciatingly terrible. It was like a "Volta" deja vu! How elementary can the story get? A beauty product that sucked? And who was Catwoman's greatest foe? Sharon Stone????!!!??? An ordinary human being with extraordinary hard skin?!? I don't think so
Hay, It sucked. At least our bucket of popcorn and dinner at Green Tomato made all my frustration vanish.
>>><<<
Hay, I have an interview tomorrow with Accenture tomorrow. It is only a phone interview, but I'm so damn scared. I don't know if I'd feel better if it were a one on one interview. Anyway, I'm keeping my hopes up. Please, please pray for me. I really, really want a shot at this company. Please, please, please. . . .
Anyway, I guess I can say the movie started out alright. The major turn-off came during the part where Midnight transformed Patience into Catwoman. Wooaahh, is that cartoon I'm seeing? Hehehe. . . I guess I was disappointed with the CGI after seeing Spiderman. I mean Spiderman had some pretty incredible scenes, so wonderful you wouldn't have the time to stop and mull over whether that stunt was real or computer generated.
Another big disappointment was Halle's catwoman costume. What is that? With matching "pok-er" lipstick? If I didn't know I was watching Catwoman, I'd think she was some masuchistic prostitute or something. . . Anyway, the story was terrible!!!! As in, excruciatingly terrible. It was like a "Volta" deja vu! How elementary can the story get? A beauty product that sucked? And who was Catwoman's greatest foe? Sharon Stone????!!!??? An ordinary human being with extraordinary hard skin?!? I don't think so
Hay, It sucked. At least our bucket of popcorn and dinner at Green Tomato made all my frustration vanish.
>>><<<
Hay, I have an interview tomorrow with Accenture tomorrow. It is only a phone interview, but I'm so damn scared. I don't know if I'd feel better if it were a one on one interview. Anyway, I'm keeping my hopes up. Please, please pray for me. I really, really want a shot at this company. Please, please, please. . . .
Monday, July 26, 2004
Great Expectations, Great Disappointments
Why do always expect so much from the people we most love? Is it because we believe they are capable of doing much better? Or is it because we can express our disappointments more freely around them rather than to strangers who would surely interpret our reactions negatively? Is it because I expect too much? Or is it merey because I can't accept disappointments?
Don't you think it funny that sometimes we find one explanation perfectly logical, when another would somehow drift away from the general vicinity of the logic? Hahaha . . now that seems not logical. I don't know. I just get so pissed off when something so logical to me seems so remotely thinkable to another, especially to someone I love. How could they think otherwise, when its so simple to understand?
I hate my life. But I do love my new phone and ofcourse my Cathy.
Don't you think it funny that sometimes we find one explanation perfectly logical, when another would somehow drift away from the general vicinity of the logic? Hahaha . . now that seems not logical. I don't know. I just get so pissed off when something so logical to me seems so remotely thinkable to another, especially to someone I love. How could they think otherwise, when its so simple to understand?
I hate my life. But I do love my new phone and ofcourse my Cathy.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
A reply to Nikkie
First of all, hindi mahirap mag-english! hahaha.... mas mahirap magtagalog, especially when I am trying to pour my heart and soul into my writing. It's a skill you develop with practice and a little bit of passion and dedication, I suppose. It will sound awfully funny to try to explain something so serious in Filipino like... "Nais ni ama na ako'y pag-aralin sa lupaing banyaga...." Hahaha... kakatawa ever!!!
Anyway, I do appreciate you giving me advise on this matter. But giving advise is always not as easy as actually taking it. My character is far different from yours. As your values are clearly far, far different from mine. I guess I did expect friends to tell me... "do whatever will make you happy." But that is not at all the mature response.
When I first stepped off from college a few years back, I was rejuvinated. There I was, a newly grad student from a respectable university, a board passer. You can say I had the future in the palm of my hands. Rejuvinated. I wasn't happy because I saw a bright future ahead of me. I did not feel enthusiastic because even before I marched for my graduation, I already was employed in one of the biggest auditing firms in the country. Did you know what I prayed for while I was waiting for the results of the board exam? I was begging God. I was down on my knees with tears streaking down my face. I was begging God to give me a chance. I was asking him to give me that stupid license, not so I can practice my profession, but because I wanted to walk away from it. I wanted my misery over and done with. Hahaha... funny, how our prayers differ as we mature. Perhaps that is how God determines how much we have learned.
I used to pray for happines. That is what you advised me, isn't it? To do whatever makes me happy. I used to spend hours mulling over my quest for happiness. First, I thought a good career would make me happy... well, so much for that... we all know JCC has a way of making its employees feel worthless. Then, I thought a change of career would do it. So, I explored a career in my best interest...IT. Still, happiness remained elusive. Don't get me wrong, I was performing well at work... I had a good line of clients to prove it. I was doing extremely well in school... even beside the fact that I was contending with people who actually majored in the course in college. I was depressed, despirited, and I needed a rest. I resigned.
Over my brief period of rest, my prayers shifted from happiness to finding my purpose. I thought perhaps fulfilling my great mission, what I was sent here for, would give me that sense of self-worth. I was more than sure that that would finally give me happiness, or if not, at least peace. But my purpose remains a blur up to now.
You're wondering what I pray for now? I pray for nothing. No, this is not one of those episodes where one shuns away his faith and blame God for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I am at peace with God, but I simply just do not know what to ask of him. Sometimes, I go to Him and just sit there. Ofcourse, I pray for my family, for their good health, their safety, for their happiness and peace. But I simply do not have a prayer left for myself. I guess you could say I have completely given the wheel of my life to God. I have stopped praying for my happiness. I have stopped asking Him why I was sent here for. I have stopped asking him for my success. I sit there and try to absorb as much security as He can give me.
You can say, I am one of those who walk through life blindly. I work, because I need to work. Not because my work gives me a sense of fulfillment, but because I need to sustain myself financially. I am getting my post graduate studies, not because I wish to shift careers nor because I want to "climb up the ladder of success." I do it because it is the right thing to do... because it's the next step to make.
Hmmm... what am I saying...? I guess what I'm saying is this... Nikkie, you are different from me. You say you work yourself to death... I know you. You are the center of your dreams. I am different. I am an empty shell, I have no dreams. All my dreams comprise of seeing the people I love happy. Am I simply a people-pleaser? Perhaps, but I do not live to please all people. I live to bring happiness to the people I love.
I guess it is kinda pathetic actually saying it. To be an empty shell. A shell who once dreamt of sailing away with the water to make her own destiny. You see, the people I love, they are my mission. They are my purpose. To make them is happy is my happiness.
I once told my brother. . . "The hardest part about growing up is when you stop thinking about yourself and start caring about everybody else. Life is not about finding happiness for oneself, but being an instrument in giving it to others. the question now is will I choose to grow up or would I rather stay indifferent to everybody else."
Now, I know what the right thing to do is. I just don't know if I have enough courage to do it. I now throw the question back to you Nikkie...
What drives you?
Anyway, I do appreciate you giving me advise on this matter. But giving advise is always not as easy as actually taking it. My character is far different from yours. As your values are clearly far, far different from mine. I guess I did expect friends to tell me... "do whatever will make you happy." But that is not at all the mature response.
When I first stepped off from college a few years back, I was rejuvinated. There I was, a newly grad student from a respectable university, a board passer. You can say I had the future in the palm of my hands. Rejuvinated. I wasn't happy because I saw a bright future ahead of me. I did not feel enthusiastic because even before I marched for my graduation, I already was employed in one of the biggest auditing firms in the country. Did you know what I prayed for while I was waiting for the results of the board exam? I was begging God. I was down on my knees with tears streaking down my face. I was begging God to give me a chance. I was asking him to give me that stupid license, not so I can practice my profession, but because I wanted to walk away from it. I wanted my misery over and done with. Hahaha... funny, how our prayers differ as we mature. Perhaps that is how God determines how much we have learned.
I used to pray for happines. That is what you advised me, isn't it? To do whatever makes me happy. I used to spend hours mulling over my quest for happiness. First, I thought a good career would make me happy... well, so much for that... we all know JCC has a way of making its employees feel worthless. Then, I thought a change of career would do it. So, I explored a career in my best interest...IT. Still, happiness remained elusive. Don't get me wrong, I was performing well at work... I had a good line of clients to prove it. I was doing extremely well in school... even beside the fact that I was contending with people who actually majored in the course in college. I was depressed, despirited, and I needed a rest. I resigned.
Over my brief period of rest, my prayers shifted from happiness to finding my purpose. I thought perhaps fulfilling my great mission, what I was sent here for, would give me that sense of self-worth. I was more than sure that that would finally give me happiness, or if not, at least peace. But my purpose remains a blur up to now.
You're wondering what I pray for now? I pray for nothing. No, this is not one of those episodes where one shuns away his faith and blame God for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I am at peace with God, but I simply just do not know what to ask of him. Sometimes, I go to Him and just sit there. Ofcourse, I pray for my family, for their good health, their safety, for their happiness and peace. But I simply do not have a prayer left for myself. I guess you could say I have completely given the wheel of my life to God. I have stopped praying for my happiness. I have stopped asking Him why I was sent here for. I have stopped asking him for my success. I sit there and try to absorb as much security as He can give me.
You can say, I am one of those who walk through life blindly. I work, because I need to work. Not because my work gives me a sense of fulfillment, but because I need to sustain myself financially. I am getting my post graduate studies, not because I wish to shift careers nor because I want to "climb up the ladder of success." I do it because it is the right thing to do... because it's the next step to make.
Hmmm... what am I saying...? I guess what I'm saying is this... Nikkie, you are different from me. You say you work yourself to death... I know you. You are the center of your dreams. I am different. I am an empty shell, I have no dreams. All my dreams comprise of seeing the people I love happy. Am I simply a people-pleaser? Perhaps, but I do not live to please all people. I live to bring happiness to the people I love.
I guess it is kinda pathetic actually saying it. To be an empty shell. A shell who once dreamt of sailing away with the water to make her own destiny. You see, the people I love, they are my mission. They are my purpose. To make them is happy is my happiness.
I once told my brother. . . "The hardest part about growing up is when you stop thinking about yourself and start caring about everybody else. Life is not about finding happiness for oneself, but being an instrument in giving it to others. the question now is will I choose to grow up or would I rather stay indifferent to everybody else."
Now, I know what the right thing to do is. I just don't know if I have enough courage to do it. I now throw the question back to you Nikkie...
What drives you?
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Spiderman rules!
Hmmmm... I must say the week started out a bit bad for me. I had to take a day off work, which on second thought is not that bad, if only I didn't feel like vomitting the whole day. Anyway, Tuesday and Wednesday went by so quickly...had so much work, time flew by and was gone even before I knew it.
Spiderman. Wheeeew!!! I have three words... two thumbs up!!! As in, ang ganda ni ni!!! Hahaha... The effects were superb, the sounds were great, there was never a dull moment when it comes to stunts, and lastly, nobody worth crying over died! Hahahahaha... This is a must-see guys! And when I say a must-see... I mean in the movies and not on any pirated DVD. I swear you don't know what your missing!
Myke was equally pleased with the film that after watching it I felt like walking two steps behind him.... Well, how do you explain to people why your boyfriend seem to have acquired a humiliating illusion that some spidery web is shooting out of his wrists? Hahahaha...
My great escape from office overtime was 101% worth it.
Spiderman. Wheeeew!!! I have three words... two thumbs up!!! As in, ang ganda ni ni!!! Hahaha... The effects were superb, the sounds were great, there was never a dull moment when it comes to stunts, and lastly, nobody worth crying over died! Hahahahaha... This is a must-see guys! And when I say a must-see... I mean in the movies and not on any pirated DVD. I swear you don't know what your missing!
Myke was equally pleased with the film that after watching it I felt like walking two steps behind him.... Well, how do you explain to people why your boyfriend seem to have acquired a humiliating illusion that some spidery web is shooting out of his wrists? Hahahaha...
My great escape from office overtime was 101% worth it.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
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Unwanted Opportunities, a curse or a gift?
Is it a crime to have simple dreams?
Simple dreams. When a person dares not dream what others are dreaming, or dares not dream what he/she is expected to be and to have, does that mean he/she is less than everybody else? Does that make him/her odd? Does it mean he/she is a loser?
I know, I should be happy. And in a way, I am. To have the opportunity, even if remotely possible. I was trying to understand myself last night, while my mom was talking with me. It breaks my heart seeing her surrender to me when I know for a fact she also wants it for me. How I want them to go with a happy heart, assured that I am capable of taking care of Tita Ly, and that they have not been a failure in raising us, after everything that they have gone through for us. I'd rather die than let them pass away believing that they have not done enough.
But I am tired. So tired. The offer is not a dream, its a possible
reality with a lot of complications. Even now, my quivering state of peace is being tipped over. Oh, how I hate pressure. Why can't Myke and I just get married, have tons of children and live happily ever after, when that is all I want? Why do I always have to be the one to prove something? Why can't my brother? Why can't my sister? Why does it always have to be me? Why is it always me that has to set aside her dreams in order to fulfill someone else's, or to do the right thing? I am tired.
It would be nice to just lay on the ground and let time pass me by. To be in a complete state of peace. To not experience pressure, To not be expected of anything.
I used to tell Myke that it would be nice to be like Anne Rice's Lestat. Immortality. I guess who would not get tired of life once in a while, especially when you have forever to look forward to. When Lestat tires of life, he abandons everything, and let the earth embrace him. Not dead nor alive, but still there...listening, knowing, and understanding. I do not have forever, but sometimes upheavals make minutes into forever.
I told my mom I hate my course last night, and she told me she didn't know that it was my dad that chose it for me. She was hurt that even my misery in my career is still somehow their fault. Oh, if I can only take it back. If I can only assure her that I can live with the mistake. That someday soon, perhaps I'd be happy with my work. She encouraged me to take on another course, one which I liked, and even offered to sponsor it. I told her it is too late. Another painful truth, yet still a blow on her face. I hate myself.
Then I was thinking, if I go, if I actively pursue the possibility of me getting my MBA there, will it make them feel less of a failure? Yes, but I can't stop my tears from flowing down my face, because it would make me miserable yet again. When I return, will I still be able to be with them? Will time spare their weakening bodies from aging? Will I be able to hug my mom one last time? Will I still have an opportunity to tell her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her, how I want nothing more in this world but to be like her. I don't care for money or success, she is what I want to be.
I don't know.
Simple dreams. When a person dares not dream what others are dreaming, or dares not dream what he/she is expected to be and to have, does that mean he/she is less than everybody else? Does that make him/her odd? Does it mean he/she is a loser?
I know, I should be happy. And in a way, I am. To have the opportunity, even if remotely possible. I was trying to understand myself last night, while my mom was talking with me. It breaks my heart seeing her surrender to me when I know for a fact she also wants it for me. How I want them to go with a happy heart, assured that I am capable of taking care of Tita Ly, and that they have not been a failure in raising us, after everything that they have gone through for us. I'd rather die than let them pass away believing that they have not done enough.
But I am tired. So tired. The offer is not a dream, its a possible
reality with a lot of complications. Even now, my quivering state of peace is being tipped over. Oh, how I hate pressure. Why can't Myke and I just get married, have tons of children and live happily ever after, when that is all I want? Why do I always have to be the one to prove something? Why can't my brother? Why can't my sister? Why does it always have to be me? Why is it always me that has to set aside her dreams in order to fulfill someone else's, or to do the right thing? I am tired.
It would be nice to just lay on the ground and let time pass me by. To be in a complete state of peace. To not experience pressure, To not be expected of anything.
I used to tell Myke that it would be nice to be like Anne Rice's Lestat. Immortality. I guess who would not get tired of life once in a while, especially when you have forever to look forward to. When Lestat tires of life, he abandons everything, and let the earth embrace him. Not dead nor alive, but still there...listening, knowing, and understanding. I do not have forever, but sometimes upheavals make minutes into forever.
I told my mom I hate my course last night, and she told me she didn't know that it was my dad that chose it for me. She was hurt that even my misery in my career is still somehow their fault. Oh, if I can only take it back. If I can only assure her that I can live with the mistake. That someday soon, perhaps I'd be happy with my work. She encouraged me to take on another course, one which I liked, and even offered to sponsor it. I told her it is too late. Another painful truth, yet still a blow on her face. I hate myself.
Then I was thinking, if I go, if I actively pursue the possibility of me getting my MBA there, will it make them feel less of a failure? Yes, but I can't stop my tears from flowing down my face, because it would make me miserable yet again. When I return, will I still be able to be with them? Will time spare their weakening bodies from aging? Will I be able to hug my mom one last time? Will I still have an opportunity to tell her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her, how I want nothing more in this world but to be like her. I don't care for money or success, she is what I want to be.
I don't know.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Siemens, Inc. asks: Describe briefly your standards of success.
In my opinion, success is relative to the person achieveing it. A gold medal may signify success to one person, while may mean as much as another piece of junk to another. A person may consider career achievements as success, while it can be a peaceful and harmonious family life to another. Success is also relative to time. As we so often put it, man's thirst for achievement is unquenchable. Therefore, passing the board exam may mean success to one at that time, while later in life he may be pursuing some other goal which he finds to be a better measure of success than some silly ol' exam.
For me, success is doing everything and anything which brings satisfaction and happiness to myself and the people that surrounds me. Success does not have to be as big as solving the unending problems of poverty in the Philippines, nor inventing some gadget that makes time travel possible. I relish success in the smallest forms that it comes to me. It may be as little as finding joy in my work, helping a co-worker, beating deadlines, finalizing projects, giving good advise to friends, acing a subject, etc. In this way, I get to relish every moment in my life where I am able to exceed expectations, overcome hurdles, bring laughter to the miserable, and hope to the distressed. Life seems so much better when you get to look forward to a whole lot of success in a single day. So, am I a success? I say that question's reltive.
==**==
Hay, I still don't have time to make my daily blogs eh. I'll be posting some soon. Dami kong chika ever!
For me, success is doing everything and anything which brings satisfaction and happiness to myself and the people that surrounds me. Success does not have to be as big as solving the unending problems of poverty in the Philippines, nor inventing some gadget that makes time travel possible. I relish success in the smallest forms that it comes to me. It may be as little as finding joy in my work, helping a co-worker, beating deadlines, finalizing projects, giving good advise to friends, acing a subject, etc. In this way, I get to relish every moment in my life where I am able to exceed expectations, overcome hurdles, bring laughter to the miserable, and hope to the distressed. Life seems so much better when you get to look forward to a whole lot of success in a single day. So, am I a success? I say that question's reltive.
==**==
Hay, I still don't have time to make my daily blogs eh. I'll be posting some soon. Dami kong chika ever!
Monday, June 07, 2004
Flatliners, revived.
Hmmmmm.... There's no greater feeling when you are able to revive a friendship you thought was lost.
Friday, June 4, 2004:
With my worsening memory, I don't seem to remember anything significant happening last friday.... let me see... hmmm... Oh, yes! I was surprised to receive a text message from my sister (she rarely texts, so imagine my surprise!). She gladly announces to me the good news -- the gang has arrived! Well, you see, I texted my bro the night before. I just couldn't contain the itch of not knowing the real deal with Sara and her diabetes. So I took the plunge and texted him. To my great relief, he tells me that her complications are reversible, with proper diet and regular exercise. I was excited to tell my sister and mom all about it, but thought otherwise as I remembered my sis advising me to stay out of it. Anyway, Sara and her sisters have come home to visit us, probably to assure us that all is well. I guess that is very gracious of my bro. One less problem my parents have to deal with.
I was even more surprised when my sister texted me a second time saying that my aunts have arrived, and that the house was full of guests. hahaha.. I could imagine her distress as she hates to be with people, especially strangers nonetheless. I personally don't know how to feel about my aunts coming over. I guess I am thrilled to see them but there is still some sadness that comes with it. Sadness, that my family has stayed isolated from the rest of the clan. Perhaps it is not pride that has kept us apart, maybe it is just how my family upholds our principles? hahaha... I don't know. I'll go deeper into this matter some other time.
Myke had badminton last Friday, and so I had to occupy my time. First, by fighting with him.... well, it seems necessary because afterall he made me wait for so long. Second, by trying to make peace with Anj. Anj, she was the friend I wrote about in my previous blogs. To date, she is one of my closest friends. I guess, our fight was just brought about by bad circumstances. I was in a bad mood, while she was in the foulest mood ever. I'm just so happy that we were able to patch things up. I would really hate to lose any more of my friends, as they seem to be a dying species.
Saturday, June 5, 2004
The only highlight for the day -- I beat Myke in a game of badminton, scoring two (best out of three). We scored 15-9 during the first match, and again a score of 15-9 for the re-match. I was so inspired that I have begun making my own silly compositions.... "Pulpol, Pulpol, Pulpol and M**R***T*, Pulpol (8x). Hahaha... What's so satisfying about my win is -- I haven't played for so long while he plays twice a week, and I haven't got a title to defend while he is his company's doubles champion! Ha!
Sunday, June 6, 2004
Hmmm... It rained all day. It felt good to be able to sleep endlessly. Myke and I took Lola to the dressmaker. She had so many dresses made yet still she seemed not to have anything to wear to my cousin's wedding... Myke and I fought... because he wouldn't let me have cake!!!
Monday, June 7, 2004
I was surprised .... well aghast at first, hearing Liza's first words on the phone. I didn't know what the hell was happening but whoever was on the other end of the line, she was hysterical. Hahahaha, it was just Liza. My confused friend. She wrote me a letter earlier this morning telling me the good news. She has finally found herself a suitable boyfriend. My reaction: I couldn't thank enough all the saints in heaven! Anyway, back to her phone call... she was so kiliiiig in telling me that her long lost crush is back from NJ and that we had to see him. Talk about just having made a new commitment just last Saturday huh? Anyway, she practically threatened me to call "H" and talk him into seeing us. Well, I did but apparently he was too busy and had to arrange some things before he leaves the next day. I guess Liza was crushed. I bet she so wanted "H" to see how she has changed. But I guess it is all for the best!
Later that day, Liz invited me to meet her new BF. He was a great guy, I think. Kinda quiet, aren't they all at first. But I think he has all the potentials of being a good partner for Liza. I wish them all the luck!
So you see? Three people flatlined on me last week... my fight with Anj, the situation with Liz, and the issue with Sara. But I am so blessed... that somehow... we, God and I, were able to revive and restore all that was lost and more.
Friday, June 4, 2004:
With my worsening memory, I don't seem to remember anything significant happening last friday.... let me see... hmmm... Oh, yes! I was surprised to receive a text message from my sister (she rarely texts, so imagine my surprise!). She gladly announces to me the good news -- the gang has arrived! Well, you see, I texted my bro the night before. I just couldn't contain the itch of not knowing the real deal with Sara and her diabetes. So I took the plunge and texted him. To my great relief, he tells me that her complications are reversible, with proper diet and regular exercise. I was excited to tell my sister and mom all about it, but thought otherwise as I remembered my sis advising me to stay out of it. Anyway, Sara and her sisters have come home to visit us, probably to assure us that all is well. I guess that is very gracious of my bro. One less problem my parents have to deal with.
I was even more surprised when my sister texted me a second time saying that my aunts have arrived, and that the house was full of guests. hahaha.. I could imagine her distress as she hates to be with people, especially strangers nonetheless. I personally don't know how to feel about my aunts coming over. I guess I am thrilled to see them but there is still some sadness that comes with it. Sadness, that my family has stayed isolated from the rest of the clan. Perhaps it is not pride that has kept us apart, maybe it is just how my family upholds our principles? hahaha... I don't know. I'll go deeper into this matter some other time.
Myke had badminton last Friday, and so I had to occupy my time. First, by fighting with him.... well, it seems necessary because afterall he made me wait for so long. Second, by trying to make peace with Anj. Anj, she was the friend I wrote about in my previous blogs. To date, she is one of my closest friends. I guess, our fight was just brought about by bad circumstances. I was in a bad mood, while she was in the foulest mood ever. I'm just so happy that we were able to patch things up. I would really hate to lose any more of my friends, as they seem to be a dying species.
Saturday, June 5, 2004
The only highlight for the day -- I beat Myke in a game of badminton, scoring two (best out of three). We scored 15-9 during the first match, and again a score of 15-9 for the re-match. I was so inspired that I have begun making my own silly compositions.... "Pulpol, Pulpol, Pulpol and M**R***T*, Pulpol (8x). Hahaha... What's so satisfying about my win is -- I haven't played for so long while he plays twice a week, and I haven't got a title to defend while he is his company's doubles champion! Ha!
Sunday, June 6, 2004
Hmmm... It rained all day. It felt good to be able to sleep endlessly. Myke and I took Lola to the dressmaker. She had so many dresses made yet still she seemed not to have anything to wear to my cousin's wedding... Myke and I fought... because he wouldn't let me have cake!!!
Monday, June 7, 2004
I was surprised .... well aghast at first, hearing Liza's first words on the phone. I didn't know what the hell was happening but whoever was on the other end of the line, she was hysterical. Hahahaha, it was just Liza. My confused friend. She wrote me a letter earlier this morning telling me the good news. She has finally found herself a suitable boyfriend. My reaction: I couldn't thank enough all the saints in heaven! Anyway, back to her phone call... she was so kiliiiig in telling me that her long lost crush is back from NJ and that we had to see him. Talk about just having made a new commitment just last Saturday huh? Anyway, she practically threatened me to call "H" and talk him into seeing us. Well, I did but apparently he was too busy and had to arrange some things before he leaves the next day. I guess Liza was crushed. I bet she so wanted "H" to see how she has changed. But I guess it is all for the best!
Later that day, Liz invited me to meet her new BF. He was a great guy, I think. Kinda quiet, aren't they all at first. But I think he has all the potentials of being a good partner for Liza. I wish them all the luck!
So you see? Three people flatlined on me last week... my fight with Anj, the situation with Liz, and the issue with Sara. But I am so blessed... that somehow... we, God and I, were able to revive and restore all that was lost and more.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
HP3
Just wanna add somethin to this new sequel...
Undoubtedly its a fun movie... seein them mature like that (I mean, only a year ago, they're these small teens, now.., look how they've grown)
...but I don't know, maybe it's just me...
but somethin's lacking...
...maybe the cinema quality we went to isn't that good
...maybe the sound seems dull...
...or maybe just maybe, our expectation is already at such a high level, that I get easily frustrated when the level is not met...
Oh by the way, I like the previous "Dumbledore"... i mean his previous character... if you wanna know what I mean, just watch the movie.
But don't get me wrong, I did like the movie....
Undoubtedly its a fun movie... seein them mature like that (I mean, only a year ago, they're these small teens, now.., look how they've grown)
...but I don't know, maybe it's just me...
but somethin's lacking...
...maybe the cinema quality we went to isn't that good
...maybe the sound seems dull...
...or maybe just maybe, our expectation is already at such a high level, that I get easily frustrated when the level is not met...
Oh by the way, I like the previous "Dumbledore"... i mean his previous character... if you wanna know what I mean, just watch the movie.
But don't get me wrong, I did like the movie....
Prisoner from Azkaban
I was kinda disappointed early this morning as I wasn't able to say goodbye to my bf. He claims that he spent so many hours on his blogspot that he drained all his energy and creativity. In order to recouperate, he has to oversleep -- translation: he got to work in a rush merely to have lunch!
Anyway, I was so busy to be bothered. You might say I am just bitter, because he gets away with tardiness, or sometimes even absence, by reason of a phony meeting or a made-up client call. Wish I too can do that sometime without raising an eyebrow from my already suspicious manager. Hay, life is so unfair most of the time.
I worked like a horse today, thinking I had to finish as much as I could or else I will have to break my promise. Myke and I agreed to watch "Harry Potter" today. We expect it to be jam-packed, as it is its first showing day. That means I have to leave work at exactly 5 in order to beat all the daily afternoon MRT rush, especially that the weather seems not to be cooperating much.
Anyway, I did make it afterall. I was beginning to think I'd have to cancel our date today, but ... to hell with it. Life goes on after work! I have made it a promise to myself that I'd never sacrifice my personal time just so I can impress people in my office. I guess, some people's got screwed priorities... or perhaps I'm just too proud, plain and simple.
Harry Potter. I noticed the film to be a bit gloomier than usual. Or it could have been just the cinema projector. Fast-paced. One comment that sums it all. Yes, everything was great, the effects, the story, the actors... but I guess in their hope to compress the whole book into two hours of film time, they sacrificed a little heart. By heart what I mean is... you don't get to see Harry staring out into the moonlight thinking about his life's misfortunes, or you don't get to see Ron and Harry playing chess, or you don't get to see Harry unwrapping Christmas gifts, and you don't get to see Harry staring into his parents pictures with longing. I guess I'm just a sucker for drama, but I found it hard to digest each scene, an adventure after another. Sometimes I just need a few moments for the story to sink in, for me to feel what the characters may be feeling. Aside from it's teamendously fast pacing, the movie was totally amazing. I definitely would have to get a copy of this on DVD!
BTW, I did think of calling Sara today. But I didn't want to take the chance of having to speak to her mom. I guess her cellphone is off, because my call couldn't get through. Maybe she has no load either, as she did not answer my text messages. Hmmmm, I can't stop thinking of things I can do to make her happier. I just wish she knows how I love her so.
Anyway, I was so busy to be bothered. You might say I am just bitter, because he gets away with tardiness, or sometimes even absence, by reason of a phony meeting or a made-up client call. Wish I too can do that sometime without raising an eyebrow from my already suspicious manager. Hay, life is so unfair most of the time.
I worked like a horse today, thinking I had to finish as much as I could or else I will have to break my promise. Myke and I agreed to watch "Harry Potter" today. We expect it to be jam-packed, as it is its first showing day. That means I have to leave work at exactly 5 in order to beat all the daily afternoon MRT rush, especially that the weather seems not to be cooperating much.
Anyway, I did make it afterall. I was beginning to think I'd have to cancel our date today, but ... to hell with it. Life goes on after work! I have made it a promise to myself that I'd never sacrifice my personal time just so I can impress people in my office. I guess, some people's got screwed priorities... or perhaps I'm just too proud, plain and simple.
Harry Potter. I noticed the film to be a bit gloomier than usual. Or it could have been just the cinema projector. Fast-paced. One comment that sums it all. Yes, everything was great, the effects, the story, the actors... but I guess in their hope to compress the whole book into two hours of film time, they sacrificed a little heart. By heart what I mean is... you don't get to see Harry staring out into the moonlight thinking about his life's misfortunes, or you don't get to see Ron and Harry playing chess, or you don't get to see Harry unwrapping Christmas gifts, and you don't get to see Harry staring into his parents pictures with longing. I guess I'm just a sucker for drama, but I found it hard to digest each scene, an adventure after another. Sometimes I just need a few moments for the story to sink in, for me to feel what the characters may be feeling. Aside from it's teamendously fast pacing, the movie was totally amazing. I definitely would have to get a copy of this on DVD!
BTW, I did think of calling Sara today. But I didn't want to take the chance of having to speak to her mom. I guess her cellphone is off, because my call couldn't get through. Maybe she has no load either, as she did not answer my text messages. Hmmmm, I can't stop thinking of things I can do to make her happier. I just wish she knows how I love her so.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Blue Team's Victory
I woke up puffy-eyed. A good night's sleep from a good weeping. I still hope my Sara is ok. Anyway, life goes on...
Work. It went by in a flash. I was swamped with so much work, I couldn't decide which to do first. Busy as I am, there was something odd about today. Without knowing, one would sense the great disturbance in the usually work-driven "**" spirit. Today everybody was restless, excited, anticipating. Today, the blue team will defeat the green in the Championship game of "**'s" 2004 basketball tournament.
Yesterday, I was coerced to attend a team meeting. Little did I expect that the meeting would turn out to be a cheering practice. It has been so long since I last cheered for any team, and I think it quite comical to see myself doing what I used to do in gradeschool. These people, they are unbelievably amazing. One might say the appropriate term is "bibo!" I don't know how else you might call this -- our team, an intra-office basketball team,has 1) complete set of uniforms for players 2) 2 megaphones for the cheerers 3) a complete drum set and 4) a professional drummer 5) a complete program of cheers. That's what you call pooling your resources. Wow to the blue team!
Work. It went by in a flash. I was swamped with so much work, I couldn't decide which to do first. Busy as I am, there was something odd about today. Without knowing, one would sense the great disturbance in the usually work-driven "**" spirit. Today everybody was restless, excited, anticipating. Today, the blue team will defeat the green in the Championship game of "**'s" 2004 basketball tournament.
Yesterday, I was coerced to attend a team meeting. Little did I expect that the meeting would turn out to be a cheering practice. It has been so long since I last cheered for any team, and I think it quite comical to see myself doing what I used to do in gradeschool. These people, they are unbelievably amazing. One might say the appropriate term is "bibo!" I don't know how else you might call this -- our team, an intra-office basketball team,has 1) complete set of uniforms for players 2) 2 megaphones for the cheerers 3) a complete drum set and 4) a professional drummer 5) a complete program of cheers. That's what you call pooling your resources. Wow to the blue team!
Monday, May 31, 2004
God's call
Whatever events that transpired during the day, it all pales in comparison to the news I heard when I got home.
Sara. When my brother took her home, she was a heavy bundle of pure joy. Her cheeks were full and rosy. Her cheeks were so plump that her eyes seemed like two slits of eyelashes across her face. She wasn't a crier at all. She just slept soundly in her secure warm blanket. She was beautiful.
I remember when I was still in highschool, each day I arrived from school in the afternoon, I'd lie at her side and pull on her "duyan" being ever so careful to make those swings even or else suffer the burst of tears and wails that come with disturbed sleep. I'd often tell her the story where I accidentally dropped her milk bottle on her head. Ofcourse, it didn't make her dumb. It made her even more perfect.
My Sara. She used to love to sing with any Disney song, or even Smokey Mountain's "da coconut nut." She would often dance with them... I could go on forever. Twelve years I've spent loving her as if she were my own.
At a very early age, I think around 6, she inherited her moms diabetes. She has been living on insulin since then. She injects at least 2 shots of insulin per day, just to normalize her blood sugar. And I'm so proud that at a very early age, she has learned the discipline of control in what she eats, and in injecting her shots herself.
Today, we learned that Sara has gotten complications on her kidneys. We haven't been told exactly what kind of complications, but we know that this is just the beginning of a series of complications that may come with her sickness.
One thing most scares me though, diabetes is deadly.
I can't go on...I'm sorry.
Sara. When my brother took her home, she was a heavy bundle of pure joy. Her cheeks were full and rosy. Her cheeks were so plump that her eyes seemed like two slits of eyelashes across her face. She wasn't a crier at all. She just slept soundly in her secure warm blanket. She was beautiful.
I remember when I was still in highschool, each day I arrived from school in the afternoon, I'd lie at her side and pull on her "duyan" being ever so careful to make those swings even or else suffer the burst of tears and wails that come with disturbed sleep. I'd often tell her the story where I accidentally dropped her milk bottle on her head. Ofcourse, it didn't make her dumb. It made her even more perfect.
My Sara. She used to love to sing with any Disney song, or even Smokey Mountain's "da coconut nut." She would often dance with them... I could go on forever. Twelve years I've spent loving her as if she were my own.
At a very early age, I think around 6, she inherited her moms diabetes. She has been living on insulin since then. She injects at least 2 shots of insulin per day, just to normalize her blood sugar. And I'm so proud that at a very early age, she has learned the discipline of control in what she eats, and in injecting her shots herself.
Today, we learned that Sara has gotten complications on her kidneys. We haven't been told exactly what kind of complications, but we know that this is just the beginning of a series of complications that may come with her sickness.
One thing most scares me though, diabetes is deadly.
I can't go on...I'm sorry.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Memory Lapses, Big Surprises!
Hmmmm... Today went on smoothly. I did have a hard time falling asleep last night though. Something was definitely wrong with my body chemistry. My body seemed to itch all over, and it was a terribly hot night. Comfort overtook me only when I took a quick shower at 3:00 am. Still, I had to watch a few reruns of Friends before I finally fell asleep. I slept 'till 11:am this morning. It was not as fulfilling as it would have been. I guess I am still a little bothered by my petty fight with my friend.
Anyway, I so wanted to take my sister out today, perhaps to go see that movie -- "The Day After Tomorrow." But laziness overtook me, instead I urged them to watch a DVD with me. I ended up watching the movie by myself. Let's just say my sister seem to have inherited my moms infamous trait of falling asleep while watching a perfectly interesting movie. They did wake up towards the end though, when I was all sobbing and tears streaking down my face. "So Close." Hahaha, who would have thought this movie was even worth watching. It was absolutely great! Myke was right. The stunts are amazing, and it definitely had heart.
Myke and I were expecting a check to clear today. Only it took me by surprise that my current account balance has gone below as expected. I was shocked and bewildered. Hehehe, I couldn't eat for a minute. I found it unbelievable that I'd have withdrwan passed that amount. Hmmmm... I checked my account statement online immediately and ofcourse, there it was. My tuition fee.
Memory lapses. I often have that. I don't know what chemical my brain lacks, but I definitely have a terrible memory. From all the things I should forget, money should never be one them.
The day is most uneventful, but I am so thankful just the same. I spent it with my family topped with a few hours with Myke. It couldn't be more perfect.
One things for sure though, I'll hate tomorrow.
Anyway, I so wanted to take my sister out today, perhaps to go see that movie -- "The Day After Tomorrow." But laziness overtook me, instead I urged them to watch a DVD with me. I ended up watching the movie by myself. Let's just say my sister seem to have inherited my moms infamous trait of falling asleep while watching a perfectly interesting movie. They did wake up towards the end though, when I was all sobbing and tears streaking down my face. "So Close." Hahaha, who would have thought this movie was even worth watching. It was absolutely great! Myke was right. The stunts are amazing, and it definitely had heart.
Myke and I were expecting a check to clear today. Only it took me by surprise that my current account balance has gone below as expected. I was shocked and bewildered. Hehehe, I couldn't eat for a minute. I found it unbelievable that I'd have withdrwan passed that amount. Hmmmm... I checked my account statement online immediately and ofcourse, there it was. My tuition fee.
Memory lapses. I often have that. I don't know what chemical my brain lacks, but I definitely have a terrible memory. From all the things I should forget, money should never be one them.
The day is most uneventful, but I am so thankful just the same. I spent it with my family topped with a few hours with Myke. It couldn't be more perfect.
One things for sure though, I'll hate tomorrow.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
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Screwed yet so blessed
I slept restlessly last night knowing that I went into a state of unconsciousness still in a fight with my bf. Translation -- I haven't given him hell yet for his offenses.
Sometimes I reflect upon myself and try to undertsand why I am so, or what has made me so. Was I so terribly abused in my childhood that I have become to brutally numb and sadistic in manners? I really don't understand it myself. Perhaps I was raised in an environment where I always had to be perfect or suffer the loss of love, or withstand the injustice of being compared to others more perfect in their eyes. Is that what made me like this? To express my displeasure or disappointment by inflicting emotional pain on a loved one? Sometimes I live in fear that one day I'd lose them one by one, not because I wasn't perfect in their eyes, but because I pushed them away. Perhaps I do push people away, afterall they are one more person to please, to suffer the pain of rejection yet again.
My bf. He is perfect. I can't say I have ever been loved so purely and so intensely by anyone else including my family. Why do I hurt him so? I don't know. Perhaps its fear that makes me this way. Most of our fights start because of insecurity, whenever I feel his affection and attention in me is waining. Whenever I feel he has not done something heroic to prove that he does infact love me. Yes, I believe it is this -- insecurity. What better way to hide this feeling, this fear that he would one day leave me, but to push him away now, now that I still hold his heart in my hands. Sometimes I look at him and believe in my heart that this man too will leave me, like so many other friends who have abandoned me and given up on me. Perhaps, I will end up like my sister, alone and lonely. Perhaps, I will die with only my sister at my side. A tragic life, my life.
I fought with a friend today. Another who I may have lost yet again. I guess some people are only there when they need you, but never there when you need them. I often observe my friends while we have intimate talks together. I notice that most of the time during these little talks, they talk and I listen. There would be rare instances where I am able to share bits and pieces of my problems with them, but conversations about it would come only in passing. It always does return to their own. There are just a rare few who are selfless enough.
Hay, Liza. I was afraid for a while that I may have lost her too. A confused one, that friend. But confused or not, hurt or pissed, she has always been there. I really do miss her. But I understand that she needs space and time to reflect upon her life.
Ofcourse there is Rina. A friend lost. Memory of her gives me immense pain. I don't enjoy thinking about her much now. I thought I knew her, but now I'm beginning to doubt my assumptions. I don't know what happened. I just lost her.
So you see? I am screwed. I lose people close to me one by one, some I pushed away while some chose to go. But screwed as I am, I am still infact blessed. From all the people dearest to me, one who has gotten the worse from me is still standing by.
Myke, I love you and thank you for enduring me.
Sometimes I reflect upon myself and try to undertsand why I am so, or what has made me so. Was I so terribly abused in my childhood that I have become to brutally numb and sadistic in manners? I really don't understand it myself. Perhaps I was raised in an environment where I always had to be perfect or suffer the loss of love, or withstand the injustice of being compared to others more perfect in their eyes. Is that what made me like this? To express my displeasure or disappointment by inflicting emotional pain on a loved one? Sometimes I live in fear that one day I'd lose them one by one, not because I wasn't perfect in their eyes, but because I pushed them away. Perhaps I do push people away, afterall they are one more person to please, to suffer the pain of rejection yet again.
My bf. He is perfect. I can't say I have ever been loved so purely and so intensely by anyone else including my family. Why do I hurt him so? I don't know. Perhaps its fear that makes me this way. Most of our fights start because of insecurity, whenever I feel his affection and attention in me is waining. Whenever I feel he has not done something heroic to prove that he does infact love me. Yes, I believe it is this -- insecurity. What better way to hide this feeling, this fear that he would one day leave me, but to push him away now, now that I still hold his heart in my hands. Sometimes I look at him and believe in my heart that this man too will leave me, like so many other friends who have abandoned me and given up on me. Perhaps, I will end up like my sister, alone and lonely. Perhaps, I will die with only my sister at my side. A tragic life, my life.
I fought with a friend today. Another who I may have lost yet again. I guess some people are only there when they need you, but never there when you need them. I often observe my friends while we have intimate talks together. I notice that most of the time during these little talks, they talk and I listen. There would be rare instances where I am able to share bits and pieces of my problems with them, but conversations about it would come only in passing. It always does return to their own. There are just a rare few who are selfless enough.
Hay, Liza. I was afraid for a while that I may have lost her too. A confused one, that friend. But confused or not, hurt or pissed, she has always been there. I really do miss her. But I understand that she needs space and time to reflect upon her life.
Ofcourse there is Rina. A friend lost. Memory of her gives me immense pain. I don't enjoy thinking about her much now. I thought I knew her, but now I'm beginning to doubt my assumptions. I don't know what happened. I just lost her.
So you see? I am screwed. I lose people close to me one by one, some I pushed away while some chose to go. But screwed as I am, I am still infact blessed. From all the people dearest to me, one who has gotten the worse from me is still standing by.
Myke, I love you and thank you for enduring me.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Loving thy enemies. . .
I woke up with a sudden jolt of realization that I've been snoozing for 20 whole minutes. Oh my God! Those 20 fat minutes could result to an hour of tardiness if I don't get going! Fortunately, Katya didn't poop all over the bathroom floor like she did yesterday. Eeewww, just thinking about its smell, and how I have to brush my teeth with its stench lingering in my nostrils just makes me gag. Yuck!
Time to face the monsters of work one last time, for the week that is. Hmmm, I wonder how they took my leaving work early yesterday. I practically ran from the front door to my cubicle, hoping the monster did not see me... then again, so what if he saw me running from my cubicle to the pantry with my take-out from McDonalds wrapped securely around my chest with both arms? He never seems to eat anyway.
Work, work, work. Hmmm... what to do? I have so much to do, I can't seem to focus on one single task. On top of all my work, I had to attend this meeting. Unfortunately, because of my absence, they have posponed the meeting scheduled yeterday. But all in good fortune, I didn't exactly hate the meeting. I did have a little fun listening to my officemates aggravations. Hey, don't be such a hypocrite! We all enjoy hearing a little of other people's misfortunes. It gives us a feeling of balance and assurance.
I told Liza today that indeed life is never certain. Once, my personal life was a mess while my career thrived with blessings. Now, it is the other way around. I am humiliated and unfulfilled with both work and my studies. At least I am experiencing some peace at home lately. I wonder when the wheels will start to turn on me again...
Hmmm... I have to work late today. Myke has his badminton game tonight, so I have to endure an additional 3 hours of work.
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up" Myke told me all about the story of this congressman making a scene while canvassing votes. Wish I could also shout that out to the world, to time. There are instances in my life where I just want lie flat and still on the ground and let time pass me by. When life seems so overwhelming, when everything seems to go wrong. Won't it be so much easier? Heehee, reminds me of Anne Rice's vampire chronicles. Vampires, when they get so tired of life, they sorta hibernate and bury themselves into the depths of the earth and listen to the noise of the earth. Won't I love to be able to do that sometimes. To just hear. The noise in my head hinders me from hearing the sound of the wind that softly brushes against my face so soothing, so comforting. The pain in my head blinds me from seeing the wonderful colors of dusk as the sun meets the peaceful horizon, burying itself and leaving traces of spetacular colors in the clouds that graze the darkening sky. Huuuhh, won't it be nice to just live for yourself for a while. To be part of everything. To be part of nothing. To just be.
The pain in my head is becoming more insistent. Hmmm.... what should I do? I should have asked the nurse for some medicine when I was there earlier... I should just start working.
Time to face the monsters of work one last time, for the week that is. Hmmm, I wonder how they took my leaving work early yesterday. I practically ran from the front door to my cubicle, hoping the monster did not see me... then again, so what if he saw me running from my cubicle to the pantry with my take-out from McDonalds wrapped securely around my chest with both arms? He never seems to eat anyway.
Work, work, work. Hmmm... what to do? I have so much to do, I can't seem to focus on one single task. On top of all my work, I had to attend this meeting. Unfortunately, because of my absence, they have posponed the meeting scheduled yeterday. But all in good fortune, I didn't exactly hate the meeting. I did have a little fun listening to my officemates aggravations. Hey, don't be such a hypocrite! We all enjoy hearing a little of other people's misfortunes. It gives us a feeling of balance and assurance.
I told Liza today that indeed life is never certain. Once, my personal life was a mess while my career thrived with blessings. Now, it is the other way around. I am humiliated and unfulfilled with both work and my studies. At least I am experiencing some peace at home lately. I wonder when the wheels will start to turn on me again...
Hmmm... I have to work late today. Myke has his badminton game tonight, so I have to endure an additional 3 hours of work.
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up" Myke told me all about the story of this congressman making a scene while canvassing votes. Wish I could also shout that out to the world, to time. There are instances in my life where I just want lie flat and still on the ground and let time pass me by. When life seems so overwhelming, when everything seems to go wrong. Won't it be so much easier? Heehee, reminds me of Anne Rice's vampire chronicles. Vampires, when they get so tired of life, they sorta hibernate and bury themselves into the depths of the earth and listen to the noise of the earth. Won't I love to be able to do that sometimes. To just hear. The noise in my head hinders me from hearing the sound of the wind that softly brushes against my face so soothing, so comforting. The pain in my head blinds me from seeing the wonderful colors of dusk as the sun meets the peaceful horizon, burying itself and leaving traces of spetacular colors in the clouds that graze the darkening sky. Huuuhh, won't it be nice to just live for yourself for a while. To be part of everything. To be part of nothing. To just be.
The pain in my head is becoming more insistent. Hmmm.... what should I do? I should have asked the nurse for some medicine when I was there earlier... I should just start working.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Suck up or drop out!
Hmmmm... there goes my mom's dreadful knocks! I felt so damn sleepy this morning I almost banged the door in my moms face. I dragged my ass out of bed today with a little bit more hesitation and dread than I normally do. After much debate within myself and between friends, I still haven't decided what to do. I've been on leave from school for two terms now, and I've just bravely but blindly enrolled. After a day of class, my thesis proposal gets sacked and now I am left with a terrible dilemma -- to suck up all the courage I have and pray to all the saints in heaven that I can come up with a credible thesis topic within two weeks, or drop now so I can get a 90% refund on my humongous tuition fee. Hmmm... to drop or not to drop!
Being at the office doesn't help at all. First, because my office is an ice age waiting to happen, perhaps because it is full of cold, insensitive, insincere people. Second, because my boss is an incompetent 75k/mo. piece of shit. I again have to "INFORM" him that I am taking a halfday leave. As expected, he asked for all details of my frequent leave. Like, hello? I have only took 2 halfday leaves prior to this, all in connection to my enrollment. Shouldn't he be more supportive about me completing my masteral degree? Afterall, its completion would potentially help our company (well, actually not, because I am definitely resigning soon! Real soon!) Why don't he go pick on my other officemates who took leaves from work just so they can spend days under the Palawan sun, or smell the Baguio air. My reason is more worthwhile, don't you think? I really do hate him!
Why wasn't I told I could drop online?!? Well, any reason that can keep me off from work is fine by me. Let's just say, I'm developing a liking to the process of dropping. Far, far more easier than enrolling! Haha! Yes, I dropped! And I feel a whole of a lot better!
My boyfriend forgot to call me the whole day! Hmmm... he's gonna get it! I can't really say I like giving him a hard time apologizing. I don't know. Perhaps it's my way of saying ~ how could you not think of me, when I think of you every minute? Haha!
The Day After Tomorrow. A great movie i must say. Great effects and totally realistic if you asked me. Three things I didn't like though: a) Why did the president have to die? 2) What good did it do that Jack went after his son? His son would have been saved without him coming. 3) How will they ever get all those ice out of the northern hemisphere? Melt it and create another flood? Break the ice and transport it to the north ice polar caps again? Hmmmm... tricky problem!
Hay, my body aches all over. Friday. I love friday when it's 5 o'clock! That means work is over, I don't get to see my boss for two whole days, I wouldn't have to hear my officemates complain about their salary and reimbursements expecting me to do something about their every concern (I'm the payroll master), I get to oversleep tomorrow, and I get to spend time with my family and loved ones.
I'd hate Sunday to come!
Being at the office doesn't help at all. First, because my office is an ice age waiting to happen, perhaps because it is full of cold, insensitive, insincere people. Second, because my boss is an incompetent 75k/mo. piece of shit. I again have to "INFORM" him that I am taking a halfday leave. As expected, he asked for all details of my frequent leave. Like, hello? I have only took 2 halfday leaves prior to this, all in connection to my enrollment. Shouldn't he be more supportive about me completing my masteral degree? Afterall, its completion would potentially help our company (well, actually not, because I am definitely resigning soon! Real soon!) Why don't he go pick on my other officemates who took leaves from work just so they can spend days under the Palawan sun, or smell the Baguio air. My reason is more worthwhile, don't you think? I really do hate him!
Why wasn't I told I could drop online?!? Well, any reason that can keep me off from work is fine by me. Let's just say, I'm developing a liking to the process of dropping. Far, far more easier than enrolling! Haha! Yes, I dropped! And I feel a whole of a lot better!
My boyfriend forgot to call me the whole day! Hmmm... he's gonna get it! I can't really say I like giving him a hard time apologizing. I don't know. Perhaps it's my way of saying ~ how could you not think of me, when I think of you every minute? Haha!
The Day After Tomorrow. A great movie i must say. Great effects and totally realistic if you asked me. Three things I didn't like though: a) Why did the president have to die? 2) What good did it do that Jack went after his son? His son would have been saved without him coming. 3) How will they ever get all those ice out of the northern hemisphere? Melt it and create another flood? Break the ice and transport it to the north ice polar caps again? Hmmmm... tricky problem!
Hay, my body aches all over. Friday. I love friday when it's 5 o'clock! That means work is over, I don't get to see my boss for two whole days, I wouldn't have to hear my officemates complain about their salary and reimbursements expecting me to do something about their every concern (I'm the payroll master), I get to oversleep tomorrow, and I get to spend time with my family and loved ones.
I'd hate Sunday to come!
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