Unwanted Opportunities, a curse or a gift?

Is it a crime to have simple dreams?

Simple dreams. When a person dares not dream what others are dreaming, or dares not dream what he/she is expected to be and to have, does that mean he/she is less than everybody else? Does that make him/her odd? Does it mean he/she is a loser?

I know, I should be happy. And in a way, I am. To have the opportunity, even if remotely possible. I was trying to understand myself last night, while my mom was talking with me. It breaks my heart seeing her surrender to me when I know for a fact she also wants it for me. How I want them to go with a happy heart, assured that I am capable of taking care of Tita Ly, and that they have not been a failure in raising us, after everything that they have gone through for us. I'd rather die than let them pass away believing that they have not done enough.

But I am tired. So tired. The offer is not a dream, its a possible
reality with a lot of complications. Even now, my quivering state of peace is being tipped over. Oh, how I hate pressure. Why can't Myke and I just get married, have tons of children and live happily ever after, when that is all I want? Why do I always have to be the one to prove something? Why can't my brother? Why can't my sister? Why does it always have to be me? Why is it always me that has to set aside her dreams in order to fulfill someone else's, or to do the right thing? I am tired.

It would be nice to just lay on the ground and let time pass me by. To be in a complete state of peace. To not experience pressure, To not be expected of anything.

I used to tell Myke that it would be nice to be like Anne Rice's Lestat. Immortality. I guess who would not get tired of life once in a while, especially when you have forever to look forward to. When Lestat tires of life, he abandons everything, and let the earth embrace him. Not dead nor alive, but still there...listening, knowing, and understanding. I do not have forever, but sometimes upheavals make minutes into forever.

I told my mom I hate my course last night, and she told me she didn't know that it was my dad that chose it for me. She was hurt that even my misery in my career is still somehow their fault. Oh, if I can only take it back. If I can only assure her that I can live with the mistake. That someday soon, perhaps I'd be happy with my work. She encouraged me to take on another course, one which I liked, and even offered to sponsor it. I told her it is too late. Another painful truth, yet still a blow on her face. I hate myself.

Then I was thinking, if I go, if I actively pursue the possibility of me getting my MBA there, will it make them feel less of a failure? Yes, but I can't stop my tears from flowing down my face, because it would make me miserable yet again. When I return, will I still be able to be with them? Will time spare their weakening bodies from aging? Will I be able to hug my mom one last time? Will I still have an opportunity to tell her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her, how I want nothing more in this world but to be like her. I don't care for money or success, she is what I want to be.

I don't know.