Screwed yet so blessed

I slept restlessly last night knowing that I went into a state of unconsciousness still in a fight with my bf. Translation -- I haven't given him hell yet for his offenses.

Sometimes I reflect upon myself and try to undertsand why I am so, or what has made me so. Was I so terribly abused in my childhood that I have become to brutally numb and sadistic in manners? I really don't understand it myself. Perhaps I was raised in an environment where I always had to be perfect or suffer the loss of love, or withstand the injustice of being compared to others more perfect in their eyes. Is that what made me like this? To express my displeasure or disappointment by inflicting emotional pain on a loved one? Sometimes I live in fear that one day I'd lose them one by one, not because I wasn't perfect in their eyes, but because I pushed them away. Perhaps I do push people away, afterall they are one more person to please, to suffer the pain of rejection yet again.

My bf. He is perfect. I can't say I have ever been loved so purely and so intensely by anyone else including my family. Why do I hurt him so? I don't know. Perhaps its fear that makes me this way. Most of our fights start because of insecurity, whenever I feel his affection and attention in me is waining. Whenever I feel he has not done something heroic to prove that he does infact love me. Yes, I believe it is this -- insecurity. What better way to hide this feeling, this fear that he would one day leave me, but to push him away now, now that I still hold his heart in my hands. Sometimes I look at him and believe in my heart that this man too will leave me, like so many other friends who have abandoned me and given up on me. Perhaps, I will end up like my sister, alone and lonely. Perhaps, I will die with only my sister at my side. A tragic life, my life.

I fought with a friend today. Another who I may have lost yet again. I guess some people are only there when they need you, but never there when you need them. I often observe my friends while we have intimate talks together. I notice that most of the time during these little talks, they talk and I listen. There would be rare instances where I am able to share bits and pieces of my problems with them, but conversations about it would come only in passing. It always does return to their own. There are just a rare few who are selfless enough.

Hay, Liza. I was afraid for a while that I may have lost her too. A confused one, that friend. But confused or not, hurt or pissed, she has always been there. I really do miss her. But I understand that she needs space and time to reflect upon her life.

Ofcourse there is Rina. A friend lost. Memory of her gives me immense pain. I don't enjoy thinking about her much now. I thought I knew her, but now I'm beginning to doubt my assumptions. I don't know what happened. I just lost her.

So you see? I am screwed. I lose people close to me one by one, some I pushed away while some chose to go. But screwed as I am, I am still infact blessed. From all the people dearest to me, one who has gotten the worse from me is still standing by.

Myke, I love you and thank you for enduring me.