A reply to Nikkie

First of all, hindi mahirap mag-english! hahaha.... mas mahirap magtagalog, especially when I am trying to pour my heart and soul into my writing. It's a skill you develop with practice and a little bit of passion and dedication, I suppose. It will sound awfully funny to try to explain something so serious in Filipino like... "Nais ni ama na ako'y pag-aralin sa lupaing banyaga...." Hahaha... kakatawa ever!!!

Anyway, I do appreciate you giving me advise on this matter. But giving advise is always not as easy as actually taking it. My character is far different from yours. As your values are clearly far, far different from mine. I guess I did expect friends to tell me... "do whatever will make you happy." But that is not at all the mature response.

When I first stepped off from college a few years back, I was rejuvinated. There I was, a newly grad student from a respectable university, a board passer. You can say I had the future in the palm of my hands. Rejuvinated. I wasn't happy because I saw a bright future ahead of me. I did not feel enthusiastic because even before I marched for my graduation, I already was employed in one of the biggest auditing firms in the country. Did you know what I prayed for while I was waiting for the results of the board exam? I was begging God. I was down on my knees with tears streaking down my face. I was begging God to give me a chance. I was asking him to give me that stupid license, not so I can practice my profession, but because I wanted to walk away from it. I wanted my misery over and done with. Hahaha... funny, how our prayers differ as we mature. Perhaps that is how God determines how much we have learned.

I used to pray for happines. That is what you advised me, isn't it? To do whatever makes me happy. I used to spend hours mulling over my quest for happiness. First, I thought a good career would make me happy... well, so much for that... we all know JCC has a way of making its employees feel worthless. Then, I thought a change of career would do it. So, I explored a career in my best interest...IT. Still, happiness remained elusive. Don't get me wrong, I was performing well at work... I had a good line of clients to prove it. I was doing extremely well in school... even beside the fact that I was contending with people who actually majored in the course in college. I was depressed, despirited, and I needed a rest. I resigned.

Over my brief period of rest, my prayers shifted from happiness to finding my purpose. I thought perhaps fulfilling my great mission, what I was sent here for, would give me that sense of self-worth. I was more than sure that that would finally give me happiness, or if not, at least peace. But my purpose remains a blur up to now.

You're wondering what I pray for now? I pray for nothing. No, this is not one of those episodes where one shuns away his faith and blame God for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I am at peace with God, but I simply just do not know what to ask of him. Sometimes, I go to Him and just sit there. Ofcourse, I pray for my family, for their good health, their safety, for their happiness and peace. But I simply do not have a prayer left for myself. I guess you could say I have completely given the wheel of my life to God. I have stopped praying for my happiness. I have stopped asking Him why I was sent here for. I have stopped asking him for my success. I sit there and try to absorb as much security as He can give me.

You can say, I am one of those who walk through life blindly. I work, because I need to work. Not because my work gives me a sense of fulfillment, but because I need to sustain myself financially. I am getting my post graduate studies, not because I wish to shift careers nor because I want to "climb up the ladder of success." I do it because it is the right thing to do... because it's the next step to make.

Hmmm... what am I saying...? I guess what I'm saying is this... Nikkie, you are different from me. You say you work yourself to death... I know you. You are the center of your dreams. I am different. I am an empty shell, I have no dreams. All my dreams comprise of seeing the people I love happy. Am I simply a people-pleaser? Perhaps, but I do not live to please all people. I live to bring happiness to the people I love.

I guess it is kinda pathetic actually saying it. To be an empty shell. A shell who once dreamt of sailing away with the water to make her own destiny. You see, the people I love, they are my mission. They are my purpose. To make them is happy is my happiness.

I once told my brother. . . "The hardest part about growing up is when you stop thinking about yourself and start caring about everybody else. Life is not about finding happiness for oneself, but being an instrument in giving it to others. the question now is will I choose to grow up or would I rather stay indifferent to everybody else."

Now, I know what the right thing to do is. I just don't know if I have enough courage to do it. I now throw the question back to you Nikkie...

What drives you?