Christmas is good Life is great! Its all good.

Hmmm. . . where should I start? I really am not in the mood to write anything long or overly analytical. I just want to put this down before it again escapes my mind and I begin forgetting how great it feels.

In this moment, at this very second, my life is almost perfect. I say "almost" because as the old saying goes. . . "nothing is perfect." And yes, indeed my life is not perfect. I could use a couple of pounds less on me. . . and yes, I long for that great European tour I am dying to take with my husband. But how can I be so ungrateful when I am so happy as it is?

My old friend Anj has finally arrived. And unlike before, I made it a point to take the time to meet her before the very last minute. Can't exactly say that she is the same old Anj, as she has changed a lot since I last saw her six months ago. I guess working abroad really does change people. More mature and a hundred fold more "mataray" than I am, I don't think I could ever have balls to pull off snitching a uniform from a bitchy housemate's laundry! And who better to dance "Mag-exercise tayo tuwing umaga" than Anj in her colorul clown costume just so she can earn some unlimited access to an all-Pinoy forum. Mataray man o hindi, may topak ka parin Anj!!!! Mabuhay ang mga adik sa Pilipinas!

Ofcourse it shocked the hell out of me to hear news from my lost friend Rina. Yes, she is the same Rina I've been pining about for years, and yes she is one of the items on my unfinished business list. Anyway, all is well now. Truth is I was kinda worried meeting her again after two years of not speaking, worse being not in good terms. I told my friend Janice that there are times I'd think that it would better not to see her again at all. As I am already in that stage where I can remember our old times with fondness and a smile. It used to be really painful remembering her. But I knew this is something I will regret forever if I let the opportunity pass. This was not the time to be proud, there is no pride among friends, only honesty. Anyway, Rina is Rina as I've always known her. Not a thing has changed. . . well except that she is a million times richer and she drives her own car. It's so refreshing to talk to her as if nothing ever came between us, or no time nor spare has ever divided us. I missed this friend so much, and though I know it can never be the same as it was (coz she is now staying in NY), my heart rests at peace.

At this point, my Christmas is already perfect and complete. Truth is, Myke owes me no gift this Christmas as he already gave me a phone just this November. Hehehehe. . . eh uto2 eh! As they say. . . "bawal tumanggi sa grasya!" I will not describe how I feel now . . . I'm sure you know exactly how I feel now. . . .

Too busy for Chirstmas

Ok, so two weeks ago. . . we sent-off Myke little sister to London. I guess saying goodbye to someone is never easy, especially when family. I cried, I just can't stand seeing her so sad to leave behind Ma and De, plus Jay, her bf.

The week that followed is my parents' 50th anniversary! Can you imagine? 50 YEARS!!!! to think I am barely through my first year. . . hehehe. . . We just had mass and a simple breakfast. . . my mom requested us to tone down the event and make it as private and intimate as we can. Myke and I gave lola what she has been endlessly saving for for months now.




So, pardon me for not being so detailed with this. . . I'm a little drained from work. To all accountants, Christmas brings another kind of feeling. . . very far from happiness or joy! For all accountants working in a company following the calendar year. . . Christmas season is a reminder that New Year is coming. . . an before the new year comes. . . there is YEAR END!!!!

And so, though my work does not really require me to be directly involved in the YE activities. . . I am tasked to build a tool to automate YE processes. . . and I have been laboring over it for days now (nung tuesday lang kc sinabe sa akin eh). But unlike before. . though I feel exhausted mentally. . . there is excitement and a great sense of accomplishment. Hay, why have I not discovered this before!

Anyway. . . may I just share with you the two books I am reading currently? I am not done with either. . . but I believe both have great potentials of being very interesting to me and to you. I'll post some bits and pieces of the story and learnings I get from these books as I read along. . . . wag na tonight. . . kc 12:30 am na eh. . .. hehehe =)

Now what? Let's aim for three?

Now what???

Ah hehehehe. . . Sayang eh. . .

Should I write on it?
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T*W*I*S*T*E*D*!

I'll finally get it tomorrow!

After so many cups, fraps and lattes. . . tomorrow I shall finally get what I have earned -- my very own starbucks 2007 planner!!! Ano naman kung nanginginig na ako sa nerbyos db? And ano naman kung nagpauto ako, eh I could have bought a similar planner in nbs at a price less than 500 pesos? It's for the "spark of hope" chuva nga eh!!! Yuck, basta ingget lang kayo. . . joke! After I drink my last cup of toffee nut latte tomorrow. . . I'm temporarily resigning from drinking coffee. Afterall, I wouldn't want those stains on my teeth! Sorry bebe, looks like you're on your own now. bwahahahahaha! Salamat sa lahat ng sticker mo ha!

Guess I'll just have to settle for nesvita then! Hehehehe . . . pakita ko planner sa inyo tom! babayushki!

A very inspiring manager asked us that. In trying times, I admit, I too ask myself that. "When you wake up and don't feel excited anymore about working, it means you have to get out." I say, amen to that!

This morning, while I was taking a bath, shivering to death from the icy water that froze overnight, I thought to myself. . . am I miserable because I hate my work or is it just because I hate the process of waking up? And it struck me, I am not miserable at all. I am truly excited about what I do. Having finally found what I enjoy doing most, I find myself filled with fear. . . fear of something going wrong, fear of finding I'm no good at this, fear that I don't have the same excuse as I had before -- I really do hate acocunting.

Well see how it goes with work. . . at this point, I am convinced that I am in a better place, much much better.

I just want to share and forever remember what this very wise manager told us today. A person who is the best need never look back and compete against his peers, because the person running nearest him is so far behind for him to be concerned or worried about. A person who is the best need only compete with himself, because he need only to compete with his last performance. This I believe, and how she articulated exactly how I felt. . . I have the highest respect for her.
I work, yes because I need financial stability. But more than anything else, I work to prove to myself, more than anyone else, that I have value. I am not out there because I want to make the world see that I am the best, that I am better than everybody else. I work because I want to be part of something bigger, something more than myself.

She adds with a question, "Does a high performing team always end as an achiever?" I'd answer this as "not always," but it does not change the fact that the team is performing well. I have been part of amazing teams in the past. And our endeavors do not always end up on the top. But win or not. . . I always end up feeling a winner, because we have conquered something bigger than mere recognition. We have conquered each other. When I say conquer, I mean. . . we have learned to deal and accept each other, to work together, laugh together, to panic together, to stay nights together, to pray together, to cry in defeat (sometimes). Doing all these things with a group of people who you start as "not knowing but just mere acquaintances" and end up being more like brothers and sisters, for me that is the greatest achievement.

After having been deprived of having this kind of team for so long, I am yearning to be part of a team like this. A team where every one is valued. A team who wins together and accepts defeat together. A team who, in the office are my colleagues, but at the same time my friends to the core.

If I can earn this in my current organization, then I can finally say: "I am at the right place!"

A nice change

7:30 am, I awoke with a start, as my husband shook the bed fiercely literally forcing me out of bed. He was again the 8-year old child I so often witness, whenever he becomes so excited about something. Yesterday was Pacquiao's final match with Morales, and we were suppose to watch it together with friends on pay per view. And so, though I slept at ungodly hour of 3am that evening, or should I say morning, I dragged my ass out of bed to reluctantly take my morning bath.

As I predicted, the game did not start for another 2 hours or so, so we ended up waiting, sitting in bed, all dressed up watching the attempt on President Reigan's life on Discovery channel. We didn't leave until a little past 9:30, arriving at Myke's friend's eatery just in time to watch Villoria's disappointing match end to a draw. Waiting was such a pain in the ass, as we sat watching. . . hoping the next two matches end early via TKO.

When Manny's turn came, I was just amazed to see. The small eatery was filled to the brim. Everybody at the edge of their seats, a bottle of beer in one hand. Each swearing to kill the man who accidentally changes the channel or trips over the power. And so the game began, after more than 3 hours of waiting.

There's not much to tell about the match, except that it was awesome! Manny was in great shape, and Morales was so frail. If the match had gone on, Manny would have beaten Morales to a bloody pulp. Anyway, the game was as wonderful as I expected, but something else made it more enjoyable as it would have been if I'd have watched it on TV at home. To hear the woahs and shouts of joy, wails of nervousness and endless clapping from the strangers that surrounded me in the small cramped-up eatery, to see them jump for joy. . .or kick the TV in frustration. . . it gave me a sense of belonging. A feeling that I only feel when Ginebra wins! hehehehe. . . I felt proud not only of Manny, but of the Filipinos who united in support of one cause. . . hehehe, I know ang babaw coz it's just a boxing match. . . but how often do we see Filipinos act united about something? I'll take any chance I can get!

Anyway, so much for Pacman fever. . . Truth is the nice change happened today. I spent the whole day in training, taking advantage of 5-10 minute breaks to squeeze in some work. Training ended at a little over 5:30, almost 6 I guess, afterwhich I again returned working on my project. At 7:30, Myke called me saying that he's downstairs waiting to pick me up. Hmmm, the first time in a long time did I hesitate to leave the office. I actually thought about it - if I should continue working or go down and go home. My God! I may finally be enjoying what I do, could I?

I'll keep my fingers crossed. Wish ko lang!

It's so scary, yet at the same time amazing!!!!

The most amazing thing happened yesterday. If you would remember I was reminiscing about my brother just yesterday night, saying it would be nice to take a rest from this world, and that perhaps one day soon he will have the chance to give me a tour of the afterlife (abnormal thoughts from a twisted individual who desperately needs a break from life).

Anyway, yesterday, we were in my parent’s house to make our regular weekend visit. We agreed we’d spend the night there, as we arrived late in the afternoon, and I feel terribly guilty to have to leave in a haste. . . not spending some quality time with them first. Myke had to go out to have dinner with one of his suppliers, so I let him while I stayed at home and watched a couple of DVDs with my mom and sister. While waiting for Myke that night, I busied myself writing my blog – “Never again!” He got home at around 1am in the morning, and due to some petty misunderstanding, Myke and I went into an argument. We were in bed, the lights were off. . . no, no, no. . . this is not some kinky story!!! We were in bed, the lights were off and I was arguing with him. It was one of those long irresolvable arguments, and so we fought for quite some time. During the time of pag-iinarte. . . I was crying and in my twisted mind I remembered my blog and silently talked to my brother. . . saying that he take me now. . . over and over I begged him for him to take me. . . saying that one can have everything and still not be happy . . I asked him why I was so discontent when I seem to already have so much. In frustration (you see I can be a very formidable opponent) my husband went outside (to the family room) sat in a sofa and sulked surrounded by nothing but darkness. He stared blankly ahead when he noticed the light in the room just beside mine seem to be open. He can see the light peaking out of the bottom of the door. He thought it strange because we had the second floor of our house entirely to ourselves, and nobody has occupied that room ever since my second brother left when he finally got a house of his own. I guess he was already a little scared at this point, but what made him run hysterically back to my room was when he heard the door knob slowly turn, and the door slightly swings open. . . (yeah, yeah. . . I also thought this could just be the wind but what happens next convinces me otherwise) His right arm up to his nape suddenly felt unbearably cold, and all the hair on his right arm and nape stand on end. This was the point that he ran back to my room and jumped back into bed asking me if he can snuggle closer to me. Ofcourse, I have no idea what happened, and since I was still mad. . . I told him to stay away. He couldn’t do anything but to crumple like a ball, shivering and uneasily turning from one position to another. I thought this normal as he’d often do this whenever we fight. . . but there was something about what he said as he murmured incoherent words to me. . . all I understood was. . . “mame, nakakita ako!” And all my anger was washed away by pure shock, amazement, fear and perhaps guilt. He was so scared, I didn’t know how else to stay angry at him. Anyway, in the dark he told me everything that happened, and for God’s sake!!! He wanted me to go out there to look if the light is really open and if the door is infact ajar. ANUKA!!!! NO WAY!!!!

I then told him the great coincidence. Was it simply a coincidence that earlier that night I was just writing a blog to my brother? Was t just a coincidence that just as we were arguing, I was silently talking to my brother? Yeah, I was and I still am a bit scared. I never ever want to have any spiritual encounters of any kind. . . hehehe I guess even if Mama Mary herself manifests herself to me, I’d still run faster than the wind. . . never mind who! At the same time, I am amazed and relieved.

I am amazed that it may just be possible that my brother is in fact still watching over us. It amazes me that he can still hear me, read my thoughts. It fills me with relief that it is possible that even if I am now far from my family, living a life away from them. . . maybe, just maybe, my brother is keeping a watchful eye over them. . . keeping them, or at least warning them away from danger.

Yeah, it is possible. . . maybe Myke was just carried away by his over eager imagination, or perhaps. . . (though I don’t even want to think about it), whoever or whatever Myke felt last night was not my brother but someone or something else. Whatever is the truth, it really doesn’t matter. I know for a fact that God watches over my family every second of every day. I know for a fact that my brother is somewhere out there watching and praying for us. And so as I prayed in church today I talked to my brother. I asked him to pray for us. . . for our safety, for our good health, for each of us to have a bit of happiness in our lives

Never again!

I know it's been a while. I've been meaning to tell you, but . . . I guess I'm just too tired. November, can't believe how this year has changed my life so much. Two months to go, and it seems destiny has so much more in store for me. Looking back, simply saying that this year has been a roller coaster may still be an understatement. I can't even start to describe how it has changed me. I am fatigued. Nope, well. . . yes probably physically but more so emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes whenever I get the chance to stop and think, I wonder why I feel so tired. I want to get away -- for time to stop, for the world to desist from turning. To be invisible and just watch, without worry of disappointing, of hurting.

I have this ridiculous thought that I fancifully believe in my insane existence (as my husband gracefully puts it: twisted). Do you think I would die early? Sometimes I wish I would. Haha, morbid I know. But I guess that's how twisted minds think. My husband often push the stupid though aside, like it's an impossibility (is this even a word? whatever!) I sometimes think what He'd do if I actually did die early? That would be a laugh! Can you imagine if I do manage to "outdie" all the people I care about? My God! My insanity is going worse every minute!

I guess what I'm saying is I have always lived in fear that I would lose everything and everyone I hold dear. Probably this was brought on my the early death of my brother, that at a very young age I was forced to understand how quickly deadth comes and how it is irreversible no matter how hard we theaten God to bring them back. And though now, I still live in the same fear. I still call my mom every night to tell her I love them ( my family I left at home), believing I cannot take the chance. Knowing I cannot live the rest of my life if something did happen to them (knock, knock, knock) as I slept soundly at night. Every since I was a child, I have always been conscious of the fact that my parensts are older than most of my friends' parents. And because of this, I always feel as if I'm running out of time . . .that every minute of everyday, I must let them know that I love them. . . that I could lose them anytime. My husband always tell me how differently we were raised. That they have never been too "showy" in their family. For me, it's not about how we were raised. It's because we have already lost someone in our family, that made us love and appreciate each other more. Death has unexpectedly knocked on our door once. . . we will never be caught unprepared again.

I can still remember that night at the hospital. I only remember fragments though. I was so young, at 9. I knew something was wrong, we were in a hospital afterall. I remember my brother (our 2nd) sleeping inside the closet, waiting for him to wake up. I remember seeing the doctors and nurses lifting his body off the bed to change the sheets beneath him. I remember feeling his skin. . . it was cold. . . he was lifeless. He had bruises, and still I pinched him. I wanted him to stop this joke. Perhaps I too wanted to cry, or perhaps I was still too young to feel the gravity of the situation. Even when I was so young, I always believed I had to be strong for them, for her. She was crying non-stop. She cried as the pain in her legs kept her awake. She walked in circles wishing for the pain to stop. Perhaps it was not the pain in her legs, perhaps it was more from losing him. I tucked my tears, I held her legs, and tried to ease the pain away. I remember the darkness settling over our home. I felt the silence. I felt the cold. Sometimes I can still feel it when I am here.

Anyway, ever since then I knew I can lose any of them in an instant, and never again will I be caught unprepared. Sometimes, when I feel so tired like I am now, I wonder how it feels like to die. To finally return to my home, to be at peace with Him. But again, just thinking about the tears whe'll cry, and pain that will reutn tenfold, I cannot do that to her. I simply cannot bear it to see her like that again. I can't, and I refuse to be the reason for her to cry like that again, even watching from beyond.

And so, I am tired but I cannot rest. I can't rest while she has not rested. And though I dread that day to come, I know eventually it will. Until that day comes, I will make them know and feel every minute of everyday that I love each of them more than my own. And no matter how tired, sad, frustrated and angry I am, my smile and my laughter will always sound true to them.

Kuya Marlowe, you and I, we are connected. I may not had the chance to shed a million tears then, but I know you know that I express my love for you everyday whenever I share a hug, a kiss, a smile and a laughter with each of them. When my day finally comes, will you show me around?

It just simply wouldn't be me if it does not end TWISTED!

If you would remember, we celebrated Myke 30th birthday last year with a kiddie party held at McDonalds. This year however, though I started thinking and planning, and ended up thinking again as early as August, I ended up with nothing. Yes, there are a million things I wanted to do for him. But having had almost ZERO salary for three months now, I am left desperate and with absolutely ZERO ideas.

First, I thought of doing something creative, a do-it-yourself something that would mean everything he is to me. After racking my brains and doing some research over the net, still I was left with nothing. Yeah, I did have a few ideas, but they were simply not do-able for lack of – #1 – funds; #2 – equipment; and #3 – supplier/s.

I was obsessed for a while with the idea of us traveling together. I found some very good deals from PAL, particularly their Swingaround packages for Bohol, Puerto Princessa or Hong Kong. But at the time, I was not even sure I’d still get my quarter bonus, and even if I did get it. . . my head spins just thinking of the many obligations I had to allot for when I do get some money. In the end, I decided against the idea. . . though I desperately wanted to. Perhaps when we are not this pressed financially.

After these thinking and useless preparation, I ended up buying him
1. a book – “Chicken Soup for the Golfer’s Soul” – He always gets frustrated when he plays badly. Though, in my opinion, it probably can be attributed most to the fact that he gets no practice at all!!! That 100k is slipping from our hands bebe!!! Give them a little competition, will yah!!! Hehehehe
2. a sign (the kind you can stick on your car windshield) that says “Wanted Horny Golfer.” I dunno about the golfer part but horny, we already have. Naughty!!! =)
3. a laptop bag – He was so excited about it that he paraded and danced carrying it, imitating the 26 girls on Kris’ Deal or no Deal. I would have wanted to upload the video on this blog, but its sorta R18. . . for my eyes only. . . hehehe =)
4. a simple bouquet of flowers which was delivered to his office on the day of his birthday.

Last night, on the eve of his birthday, we bought our first and very own Christmas tree. It’s small and simple. We still do not have enough money to buy decorations to hang on it, so I guess we have to put that lovely task on hold. Still, our excitement is incomparable. Myke says he’s gonna replace the top ring with one of Blue Magic’s fake “pupu” thingies. Kadiri noh?!!

I guess it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t save the best for last. Today, on Myke’s 31st birthday, we watched the GINEBRA vs. AIR 21 game at the Araneta Coliseum. We watched a few PBA games in the past, but this one is special. Not only is it special because it is Myke’s birthday, but also because this is the first time we actually watched GINEBRA WIN!!!!! The game was absolutely amazing!!!! GINEBRA led the whole 3 quarters (gogo papa Rudy and Eric!!!), but come the 4rth quarter when the clock is rounding down to the last 2 minutes of the game. . . AIR 21 catches up and led by a point. We were all at the edge of our seats and to the last second, we were shouting our cries of relief as Dimaunahan and Tubid missed their shots. Hay, sobrang saya talaga. You can bet we’ll take every chance we get to watch every GINEBRA game this season. Did I mention we even bumped into Hathfield in the parking lot as he was going in? My God, papa!!!! Hehehe

This was Myke 31st birthday. Perhaps not as grand as last year’s, but definitely just as special and memorable.

I hope you enjoyed your birthday bebe!!! I love you!!!

Our Wedding Album

I wonder what goes though their minds. . .

For the first time in a long time, I took the bus going home. I’ve always valued my long trips . . . going anywhere. Living so far away from everything, it gets so frustrating. But it’s always during those long trips that I find myself. To think and look back on my life, on everything I’ve been through, to remember all the people who I’ve missed, and plan the life I have ahead.

Today, I wondered about the people who die young. I’m one of those foolish few who do not fear death. Perhaps I am indeed disillusioned, but it’s the way I am. . . it’s who I am. What runs through the minds of people who are about to die? Can they feel their death? Do they feel fear? Will I die young? Will I always travel the longest, even in life?

Thinking about death always makes me look back on the few things I regret. Being a believer of God’s plan, there is no decision I’ve made that I regret. . . My husband and I just recently went into a fun debate on how to distinguish man’s free-will and God’s plan. My husband believes in both, as do I. But the tricky part in the analogy, I think, is defining the boundary between free-will and God’s plan. How will you explain it? I had to take a bath before I can finally figure it out.

Man’s free-will and God’s plan is best distinguished by liking life to a free-way road. Like life, everything rushes through the free-way. The most disastrous road accidents happen on the freeway, just like life. We are the drivers, our decisions are the vehicles. Driving on this long wide road of life, I get to make the decision to stop, to go back, to move to the lane on the right, or move back to the left lane. Ofcourse, people who stop and/or go back do not go far in life. They learn little, they don’t grow much. People who drive so fast, they are bound to either cause or get into accidents. These accidents often affect other drivers on the road, so do our decisions. Where does God’s plan fit in all these? Don’t you forget, God is always the designer, the mastermind. He is the great engineer who built the great road of life. On this road, there are curves and turns – directions on the road where we are only faced with the decision either to move forward (to follow the curve/turn), to come to a halt, or to move backwards. This is how I can best explain God’s plan. In life, when we come across situations where we are left with no choice but accept, these are the curves of life God designed for us. They were not placed there to hurt us, rather they were intentionally and uniquely planned for each one of us -- for us to learn.

I used to tell this story about my childhood to my husband that he always found so peculiar. When I was still a child and learning how to ride a bicycle, I’d ride my bike in circles around our garage, only I place little obstacles along the way – a thick piece of wood, a fallen branch, a broomstick. . . anything I can find that can act as a hump, a bump, a hole on the road. For some reason or another, just going around in circles with nothing but a smooth road did not give me as much satisfaction as successfully going through my fake obstacles. Weird, I know.

Speaking about weird. I’m not sure if this is even related, but my husband find this fact about me funny and equally as peculiar as the “hump” thing. How do you eat cake? Do you eat it cutting through the piece vertically, cutting a small portion of each layer of cake and icing? I guess most people eat cake the same way. I don’t. I eat cake, layer by layer. I start from the bottom. . . usually with the least amount of icing, making my way layer per layer of cake and icing to the top, where the thickest and the most delicious toppings are. Saving the best for last, I always tell him. He would just laugh at me, like I’m an alien from some planet who painstakingly enjoys torturing oneself. I guess, I’d just rather deal with the hard stuff now, to get it over and done with. . . so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor without worry in the future. =)

Anyway, going back to my reflection on life. While I was traveling home today, I thought of two people who, at some point in my life, have caused me, or I caused them some pain. And I was happy to discover that remembering them now, I only look back with little sadness and always with some hope.

Rina, who I have been closest to since college. Until now, I honestly don’t know what went wrong between us. Thinking about her and our falling out, remembering how we used to be always brought me pain and regret. I just thought friends never give up on each other. Remembering her today, I just hope one day she’ll learn to forgive me, for whatever reason and for whatever I did to hurt her. If I die now and if somehow this reaches you, know that I have forgiven you and will always remember you as Rina, my dearest friend who had the weirdest type in men (extremely intelligent, balding and should definitely have a visayan accent), my dearest friend who’d pay thousands to watch a Westlife concert, my dearest friend who wanted nothing more than to live in London and develop a British accent. If by chance you do read this and you are now living in London, I don’t mind if you do decide taking me there, afterall you did promise me. Hehehe =)

Diane, who I have been closest to since highschool. God knows my intentions were pure, and every action I took was only to protect her. But her anger is understandable and completely acceptable. I guess when I decided to do what I did, I knew I will lose her. I just didn’t expect I’d lose so much more. Looking back, perhaps my decision was not the best choice, or perhaps it just made things worse for her. But there was no way I could have predicted things, any true friend would not have stood by and watch. I just can’t bring myself to stand by and watch you, Diane. I am sorry. If I die now, know that will always hold you and your family close to my heart.

Actually, I also thought about my father. Our story has already been told and a reconciliation has been issued. I love you always and forever. No matter what you do or say my love will never waver. If I die now, know this.

I’m still not sure what runs through the mind of those who die young, or those who are about to encounter death, but if I die now. . . I die with no regret, and absolutely no fear.

KOREA, Here I come!!!

Stranded. Alone. With nothing to do. How pathetic can a day be? I should be celebrating. I cannot remember a day when work was last cancelled. Yet, I am alone at home with nothing to do. Power has been gone for I don’t know how long. The sky looks fierce with anger. The wind howls with as much vigor. The picture outside is all a haze. Noting but anger. Its rage trashes everything in sight.

My love, you should be home by now. Where are you? Why have you not come? I’ve waited days for you to return. How unfortunate! Nature’s wrath, calm and be still! My baby is coming, please dry your tears.

As the rain outside washes away the memories of yesterday, a new life is unfolding. Tomorrow, I wonder what you are like. Let the flood wash away the pains of yesterday and drown out my cries and hurts. Tomorrow is a time for laughter and memories I will take to forever.

Ops, teka. . . this didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. =) All I wanted to say was. . .


I’m going to KOREA!!! KOREA!!! KOREA!!! Joo Yu Rin, here I come!!! (all this while doing my happy dance!!!)

Coming real soon!!!


. . . . hehehe. . . walang kwenta!

In memory of those who touched my life . . .

Our Father, may everything I do begin with Your Inspiration, continue with Your Help, and reach perfection under Your Guidance. With Your loving care guide me in my daily actions. Help me to persevere with love and sincerity. Teach me to judge wisely the things of earth and to love the things of Heaven. Keep me in Your presence and never let me be separated from You. Your Spirit made me Your child, confident to call You Father. Make Your Love the foundation of my life. Teach me to long for Heaven. May its promise and hope guide my way on earth until I reach eternal life with You.

In memory of Steve and Sui who inspire me to be a better person...

Bravo to You, Lord

I’ve always been a believer of the “divine will.” Que Cera, Cera! Whatever will be, no matter how you resist it. . . it shall be. It’s like pushing against a wall, unless you’re THE man in bright blue tights and blood red briefs. . . you’re in for a big disappointment.

My life. I always tell my husband: God may take me now, I am not afraid. I honestly don’t know if its mere naivety, or is that I simply refuse to believe that God is someone to be feared of. Why should I fear my friend? Twisted, perhaps. . . but that is who I am. That is how He made me.

As I think about it now, it all makes perfect sense to me. It’s like a million puzzle pieces falling into place, with all the sparks and magnificence of witnessing an actual miracle. What are the odds! My God! For the first time in my life, my life is perfect. Yes, there’s a thing or two I’d want, but just evaluating the things and people I have now – They’re absolutely perfect! If I could just stand still and not move. Will everything just stay as it is now? Oh, please God. . . hold still! You’ve waved Your hand and made magic, please wave it somewhere else now. Please let me bask in the happiness of Your miracle first. I have been crying for so long God. You have looked my way and blessed me. I am eternally grateful, but. . . is it ok if You could look away now and define the destiny of someone else? My God, why did make me so twisted! =)

Dear reader, don’t judge me so harshly. God knows me, we are friends. He understands how I think. He knows and He feels exactly how happy and thankful I am for all the things he has blessed me with. I am not an ingrate. A private joke between confidants, that’s all it is.

I am happy. I am excited. I am free. Thank you God, for not forgetting me!

Without thought

Should I go or not go. Should I go now, or should I wait? Should I take the risk? Is it worth risking? Is there a risk? Am I overreacting? Do we really want this now, or is it only me who wants this as badly? If I wait and take my chances, what are the odds of it being successful? Oh, I don't want to go through it again! Look at them, they have travelled farther than I. Should I want what they have? Should I explore and pursue what I can be? Should I do it now, can I do it later? Will have the same chances I have then? What will they think if I go? Will they think me a coward? Am I just afraid? Am I doing this for myself? Oh! I want to do this for us. How can I know? What should I do? I want to take them away, to make a memory before they leave. Can I afford it now? Will I ever afford it? When I am able, will they be here? How long can they wait? I want to give him something special? What can I get him this year? What does he want? What will mean to him most? Can I afford it? Will I make it? I need to save! God knows the rainy days are coming. Will it be enough? Can we have our family and still be able to take them away? It says I have to complete it. Will I ever complete it? When should I go back? If I go now, can I go back while I wait? They are so wonderful, four little miracles. I want one. Do I want it now? Does God want me to have it now? Why are they treating me like this? What have I ever done to them? Am I a bad person? Do I curse them and wish them ill? Can I withstand it? Am I leaving because of them? Should I take her offer? Should I go for it? Am I qualified for it? Am I ready for another change? Should I do it now? Why can't they understand me? Am I being negative? Have I not been through enough? I am way over my head. Will I survive? Oh, why am I so twisted!

God do not look upon me!

God do not look upon me.

If only I can make myself invisible to You. I dread the times You look upon me, remember my existence and wave your hand in command. Sometimes I lay at night crying, wishing the world will forget. . wishing I could just magically vanish into thin air and never be. Do good things happen when you remember me, Lord? Or is it when You do that things go astray. Oh, why do I think this way?

Perhaps sometimes You feel invisible to me. Do You think I forget when I don’t call? Do You think I care less when I don’t wish You goodnight? Do You think I am comforted more by their words of comfort and pity? Do You wish sometimes I too would look upon You and remember?

Oh God and my twisted sense of understanding!

I know You. I remember. There is no sense in hiding, for you are in me. I do not need my attendance acknowledged in church, for I know You are aware of me, as I am You. I can feel your touch, when I cry. I can see Your face in the eyes of all I love. You wave Your hand not for me to remember. Not because You believe I have forgotten. You look at me with Your proud eyes and shout out to the world – “She will pull through because she is mine!”

Oh, what if one day I do not make it Father? Will you turn Your back on me like my father did? Will you look at me with disgust and forget? Will you ignore me then and never look my way? I will be invisible, as I always wanted.

Invisible and be nothing!

God look upon me. Make my life matter to You and the people that surrounds me. Wave Your hand and be proud. Use me. Test me. Break me. I may not succeed all the time, but I will never give up. My life is Yours. Remember me, oh Lord.

Our little angel

I don't know where to start. Should I even begin? Once begun, can I continue without shedding a tear? If I do tell my story, will my agony end then?

I guess I should start from the day when my life ended, and our life began -- our wedding. Truth is, I'm finding it difficult concentrating on working on this entry. . . writing in a room full of people, and the stench of old cigar trapped in an air-conditioned room is making me a little dizzy. But I have postponed writing about this for much too long, soon my poor memory will win over and everything that has happened will be worthless and forgotten. Just like too many moments in my life that I now regret not remembering. Moments that I should have treasured. Moments that I can now only remember as a faint recollection of a taste, a feeling . . . nothing more.

Our wedding. It was truly wonderful. Excited? I guess I was . . . but being an introvert to the core, I hated the attention. If only I could watch the beauty of it all from afar, and admire every detail of it. . . perhaps I would have been happier, after all Myke and I prepared every detail and event that transpired during that day. It was a day we created, produced and directed together. If there's an award for non-pro wedding planning, I'm pretty sure Myke and I would bag all the trophies. That's how proud I am at how wonderful it was.

Haha, I never thought I'd ever be in a position where I'd be so nervous that I'd forget to walk and just simply be rooted to the ground. Well that's what happened as I marched down the long aisle of San Agustin. The shoes and my heavy gown did not help me one bit. I didn't know what to do or feel. I wanted to savour the moment as much as I can. The only problem was, I didn't know how. Should I walk slowly or fast? Should I smile or cry? Should I look straight ahead or should I look at the guests? After all the preparations, this part I failed to prepare for. And so, walking down the aisle, I probably looked more like a blushing "Sisa" rather than a radiating bride. Hehehe Thanks to Veluz, I was able to save a little of my dignity . . . I dunno how she did it but every time I looked at the guests, she managed to be there and flashed me her pearly whites, that's when I remember to smile.

Smartshot was a pain-in-the-ass. Hehehe.. what I mean is for someone who's as shy and unconfident as I am, doing all those silly poses was torture. They started torturing me early that morning, even before I had my wedding dress on. I had a slight break when they left and went after Myke. . . but to my dismay they were gone only for 15 minutes, and they began torturing me again, making me smile without fluttering my eyes. Anyhow, the pictures were absolutely wonderful. Those pictures and the painstaking poses Myke and I had to undergo will be one of the most memorable moments I will treasure that day. Thanks for digital photos!

My life with Myke started that day. It's sad that after that God-blessed event, everything that followed came as a whirlwind of changes, happiness, sadness, grief, recovery and faith.

Myke and I had our honeymoon in Thailand. It was amazing, after all it was my first travel abroad. I love Thailand. They really are blessed with an amazing history, a rich, lustrous culture, and such warm and friendly people. We have ref magnets to signify this conquer. Hehehe

We stayed in my house for a month, as I also didn't want to push so big a change on my family so abruptly. My family needs me more than they claim, I know that. I have always believed I am the clown in the family, and sometimes I feel that they are expecting the same from me until now. Even when my nieces lived with us, I felt the same pressure. It's funny and flattering actually when I look back on it, but being the clown always had its downsides. I remember a time, I guess I was still in college then, when I used to wake up late in the morning. My nieces would open the door to my room several times and close the door with a little more noise than the one before. Then my mom would scold me because apparently my nieces were waiting for me to wake up. It was so ridiculous! Their mother was just upstairs doing nothing, and they were there waiting outside my room waiting. . . waiting for me to think of something interesting to do. I often tell Myke about the funny things my nieces and I come up just to occupy our day. Sometimes we'd watch anime, and I'd pause the show in one of our favourite characters or scenes, and we'd just draw. I think there was a day we melted candles on our drawings. . . . Anyway, the problem with being the clown, the life, the spark, whatever one may want to call it is that. . . I am not allowed to be sad, to be angry, to have a bad day. I guess that's how a mastered the art of masking my feelings. I am happy and bright on the outside, but somewhere inside I am suppressing my disappointments, my grief and anger. I believe this is the same reason why I sometimes blow-up my fights with Myke out of proportion. Because, he is my spark. And with him, I don't have to pretend. With him, I don't have to be strong, because he is my strength.

After a month, we transferred to our condo, just along Pioneer street. I guess more than Myke, all these changes affected me most, as I am very close and attached to my family. I had to deal with the loneliness, plus I had to fulfil my dream of being the ideal wife. . . to cook, to clean, to serve him and take care of him at all times. You know me, you know my crooked priorities. I don't know how, but during this time, I experienced a lot of problems with work... and more than anything, this disappointed me. I claim to care only about myself and my family, and as long as I am doing tremendously well with that, I am fine. But I guess, something about people judging you and how disappointed they are despite your best efforts hits something hard and personal with any victim. I cried, a lot. I am comforted by the fact that everything else was perfect except that which meant to me least. But just the same, I cried.

I knew something new was coming. I can feel it within myself and I have no doubt in my mind the test would come out positive. The first time it did not work as it should have. I was not sure if I was simply imagining the lines on that litmus-like paper. The next two, I knew nobody on this earth can dispute it. Myke and I were so happy. We went to mass and cried in thanksgiving to the wonderful gift of life God has given us.

Myke and I have always talked about our children. We would often discuss and ponder on how to properly raise a child at this time and generation. We'd pledge that our kids will not grow up spoiled and that they would grow up with great appreciation for the things that they have. We'd say that our kids would be smart but never konyotic. We have even thought of which school to enrol them in. We have promised that we would love and look after our children as if they were our friends, that we'd be involved in everything they are into... whether it be toys, computers, cars, fashion, girls, boys. We swore, we will never be strangers to out children... never how my nieces were raised. Our children would have God in their lives, never to fear Him but to have him as his dearest closest friend, as Myke and I have...

At lot of dreams, for a child who lived only in my womb for less than two months. Yes, you will ask how it happened. What could have happened to our child whose heart beat only for a while, then stopped simply for no reason. Honestly, I also do not know. Myke and I have asked every possible question we can think of to explain why we lost our baby. We cried, we prayed, I even hoped that the doctor was somehow wrong. But God has waved His hand in command, and we can't do anything else but accept. I have told my friends this several times, and my feelings remain the same. I am happy, actually... I think my faith could not be any stronger as it is now. Yes, I am not able to go to mass every Sunday as I should, and yes, I often forget to pray to Him at night before I sleep. But God and I... there is a steady rhythm in my heart that assures me, He is with me always. It did hurt when Myke told me not to blame God. Never, throughout everything that has happened, did I blame God or ask Him why this has to happen. Yes, I asked myself what I could have done to hurt my baby, what I could have done to jeopardize his/her health. Yes, I asked myself why he/she was given to me only to be taken away. I am a great believer of God and His purpose. I believe that everything that happens in my life, good or bad, has a reason. And I guess, this, this peace I am feeling inside humming inside my heart, my life, is the reason. My little angel has given me peace, something that I have not had for a very long time. My little angel has given me this awareness that God is watching me and that I am not forgotten.

That night I prayed and begged God to bless our life with children, as I bled in bed crying, afraid that something has gone astray with my operation. When I opened my eyes after a nightmare-filled sleep, I received His answer.

He said YES.

Changes that rock your world!

It has been an earth-shaking, ground-breaking, roller-coaster experience, these last couple of months. If I could simply shout out to the world and ask it to "STOP!!!! I NEED A BREAK!!!!" Sometimes I wish I could be that squirrel (at least I think he is) in the movie "Over The Hedge" who drinks a can of . . . hmm was it cola, coffee or some sort of power drink? Well whatever it was. . . it seemed to him that the world moved in slow motion relative to him . . . and he speeded away watching as the others froze and time stood still. Can I have some of what he had? Can I have time? Time to think? Time to feel? Time to live?

To live. It seems as if to have the luxury of living is too expensive nowadays. Can I live and stop working? To be exactly what I want and simiply be a wife and mother? Can I just work and not be a wife and mother, a daughter and sister, a friend? It's insulting that others view my dream as one inferior to theirs. Who measures the worth of one's life? of one's dreams? How is it measured? Is it by the number of medals and awards one wins? Is it measured by the amount of money one earns? Is it measured by one's position or power? Is it measured by the number of friends one has?

Again, I ask the question. . . Is the there a formula for self-fulfillment? I am a simple soul with dreams not of gold nor fame. I am a sould blessed by God, beyond any earthly measures. For I am loved and I am in love.

Stressful yet a memory to last forever.

One down, a million more to go!

Dodi Li V'Ani Lo

(I Am My Beloved's And My Beloved Is Mine)

Our very own Save the Date!!!

Joy's cake at Peachy's wedding. Sana ganyan din kaganda sa amin!

Joy's cake at Peachy's wedding. Sample lang. . .

So many things to do in 2 month and 1 week!!!

OK, another update. I have only 2 months 1 week and 1 day. Brrrrr... My hands and feet are always wet now... I get less and less sleep... and my diet has just begun, hehehe... I guess you can now describe me as in an official panic stage. I can't think straight anymore!!! I'm so overwhelmed!!!

CHURCH VENUE: San Agustin Church - Reserved (March 18, 2006 @ 3pm)
Documents/Seminars required by San Agustin
Birth Certificate (from NSO) ==> OK
Baptismal Cerificate (from church where baptized, within 4 months prior) ==> OK
Confirmation Cerificate (from church where confirmed, within 4 months prior) ==> TO DO NOW!!!
Marriage License (City Hall) - Form obtained, requires family planning seminar ==> TO DO NOW!!!
Canonical Interview (SAC) - Interview scheduled at 1/18/06 at 9am
Ecclesiastical Banns (SAC) - Obtained during canonical interview
Permit (Parish of bride) - Form obtained during canonical interview
Names/Address of Primary Sponsor - For finalization. Max of 6 pairs. ==> TO FINALIZE NOW!!!
Priest: Father Jerry Tapiador - Personally gained permission. ==> OK, HONORARIUM???
GET PHOTOCOPY OF LICENSE NOW!!!

RECEPTION VENUE: Hyatt Hotel and Casino ==> SCHEDULED MTG JAN.14, 10AM.
Food (Hyatt) - Reserved. DP paid. ==> CHANGE OF AE
Drinks (Hyatt) - Reserved. DP paid. ==> CHANGE OF AE
Seat Plan - OK. EXPECT MINOR CHANGES.
Delagation of responsibility to ento - OK. TO EXPLAIN ROLE IN EVENT TO KEY MEMBERS.

COUTURIER
Bridal Gown: Veluz Reyes ==> 50% PD, 3rd FITTING ON JAN.14
Barong: Caneri - Lolo, De, Ivan ==> PAID, HAVE MEASUREMENTS TAKEN NOW!!!
Myke (Pina Raya)==> DP PAID . . . FULL PAYT & MEASUREMENTS TAKEN NOW!!!
Arnel/Johnel?? ==> RENT/BORROW?
Entourage: Tina Venzon
Measurements taken: Sara, Anne, Teret, Polly, Lola, Ma, Michelle, Ja, Liza, Golda, Pao
Pending measurements: Myla, Rica, Julianna
Dresses finished: Lola, Polly, Anne, Sara, Golda, Michelle, Ma, Teret

FLORIST
Church: San Agustin Church - Flowers included in church package.
Bouquets: Dangwa - Mang Boy ==> TO CANVASS !ST WK OF FEB.
Reception: Hyatt Hotel and Casino - Centerpiece included in package. ==>FINALIZE DESIGN W/ AE

PRINTER
Invitations: Printed Matter - Style: Booklet. ==> FINALIZED.
TARGET PRINTING: 3RD WEEK OF JANUARY
TARGET DISTRIBUTION: 1ST WEEK OF FEBRUARY
Save the Date: Printed Matter ==> OK, PRINTED. PARTIAL DISTRIBUTION ONGOING
Missalettes: DIY - ==> OBTAINED MASTER COPY FROM SAC. TO FINALIZE W/ FR. JERRY NOW!!!
Guestbook: Hyatt Hotel and Casino - Guestbook comes with hotel package.
Table games sheet: DIY==> OK. XEROX 150 COPIES NOW!!!

PHOTOGRAPHER
Wedding album (11x14): SmartShot Studio - Reserved. DP paid
Parents album (2): SmartShot Studio - Reserved. DP paid
Portrait (16x20): SmartShot Studio - Reserved. DP paid
Signature Frame: SmartShot Studio - Reserved. DP paid
Pre-nuptial Picture Taking: SmartShot Studio ==> OK. CHOOSE 100PIX FOR AVP, TOG W/ OLD PIX
VIDEOGRAPHER: SmartShot Studio - Reserved. DP paid. Non-liner in DVD format
AUDIO-VIDEO PRESENTATION: Smart/Hyatt - Projector provided by Hyatt.
AVP ABOUT COUPLE (DIY) ==> FINALIZE INTERVIEWS NOW!!!
AVP OF THANX TO PARENTS (DIY) ==> GATHER MATERIALS NOW!!!

MUSICIANS
Church: San Agustin Church ==> GOT LIST OF SONGS. GOT MINUS ONE OF BRIDAL MARCH. TO CHOOSE SONGS AND FINALIZE WITH ORGANIST NOW!!!
Reception: Hyatt Hotel and Casino ==> DISCUSS W/AE DURING JAN14 MTG. CHOOSE LIST OF SONGS. FINALIZE W/ BERNIE PASAMBA.


CAKE: Joy San Gabriel ==> ORDER 1 MODERATE SIZED CAKE FOR CAKE CUTTING NOW!!!

SOUVENIRS: Joy San Gabriel - Minicakes. ==> OK. FINALIZE W/ JOY MATERIALS (ribbons&flowers)

GIFTS FOR SPONSORS: Excel Frames ==> OK. GET FROM SONNY 3RD WEEK OF JANUARY. FOR DISTRIUTION W/ INVITES (Primary Sponsors).

BRIDAL CAR: Hyatt Hotel and Casino - Lincoln provided by hotel with package ==> OK

HAIR & MAKEUP: Eddie Bruan - Paid DP. Package for 5 pax till reception. ==> OK

HOST/ENTERTAINER: Christopher Petras - Confirmed. Cathy Verga - Confirmed. ==> MYLA TO FINALIZE RECEPTION PROGRAMME.

WEDDING RINGS: Hearts & Arrows ==> FOR FULL PAYMENT THIS JANUARY. CHOOSE ENGRAVE TEXT NOW!!!

HONEYMOON: Hyatt Hotel and Casino - Overnight stay is provided.
BOOK TRIP. FINALIZE W/ CYRIL??? =)
PROCESS AND GET PASSPORT - GOLDA

I have so many things to do NOW!!!!! Waaaahhhh. . . I dunno which to do first!?!?!? Hay. . . whusha!!! hehehehe. . . . I guess I wasn't ahead afterall. . . preparing the little things takes forever!!!! GOD, a little help. . . please! =)

Ento Gowns Update

Bridesmaids dresses all in pomelo pink chiffon.

For my junior bridesmaid, still in pomelo pink.

For our Flower Girls, in eggyolk yellow.