For the first time in a long time, I took the bus going home. I’ve always valued my long trips . . . going anywhere. Living so far away from everything, it gets so frustrating. But it’s always during those long trips that I find myself. To think and look back on my life, on everything I’ve been through, to remember all the people who I’ve missed, and plan the life I have ahead.
Today, I wondered about the people who die young. I’m one of those foolish few who do not fear death. Perhaps I am indeed disillusioned, but it’s the way I am. . . it’s who I am. What runs through the minds of people who are about to die? Can they feel their death? Do they feel fear? Will I die young? Will I always travel the longest, even in life?
Thinking about death always makes me look back on the few things I regret. Being a believer of God’s plan, there is no decision I’ve made that I regret. . . My husband and I just recently went into a fun debate on how to distinguish man’s free-will and God’s plan. My husband believes in both, as do I. But the tricky part in the analogy, I think, is defining the boundary between free-will and God’s plan. How will you explain it? I had to take a bath before I can finally figure it out.
Man’s free-will and God’s plan is best distinguished by liking life to a free-way road. Like life, everything rushes through the free-way. The most disastrous road accidents happen on the freeway, just like life. We are the drivers, our decisions are the vehicles. Driving on this long wide road of life, I get to make the decision to stop, to go back, to move to the lane on the right, or move back to the left lane. Ofcourse, people who stop and/or go back do not go far in life. They learn little, they don’t grow much. People who drive so fast, they are bound to either cause or get into accidents. These accidents often affect other drivers on the road, so do our decisions. Where does God’s plan fit in all these? Don’t you forget, God is always the designer, the mastermind. He is the great engineer who built the great road of life. On this road, there are curves and turns – directions on the road where we are only faced with the decision either to move forward (to follow the curve/turn), to come to a halt, or to move backwards. This is how I can best explain God’s plan. In life, when we come across situations where we are left with no choice but accept, these are the curves of life God designed for us. They were not placed there to hurt us, rather they were intentionally and uniquely planned for each one of us -- for us to learn.
I used to tell this story about my childhood to my husband that he always found so peculiar. When I was still a child and learning how to ride a bicycle, I’d ride my bike in circles around our garage, only I place little obstacles along the way – a thick piece of wood, a fallen branch, a broomstick. . . anything I can find that can act as a hump, a bump, a hole on the road. For some reason or another, just going around in circles with nothing but a smooth road did not give me as much satisfaction as successfully going through my fake obstacles. Weird, I know.
Speaking about weird. I’m not sure if this is even related, but my husband find this fact about me funny and equally as peculiar as the “hump” thing. How do you eat cake? Do you eat it cutting through the piece vertically, cutting a small portion of each layer of cake and icing? I guess most people eat cake the same way. I don’t. I eat cake, layer by layer. I start from the bottom. . . usually with the least amount of icing, making my way layer per layer of cake and icing to the top, where the thickest and the most delicious toppings are. Saving the best for last, I always tell him. He would just laugh at me, like I’m an alien from some planet who painstakingly enjoys torturing oneself. I guess, I’d just rather deal with the hard stuff now, to get it over and done with. . . so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor without worry in the future. =)
Anyway, going back to my reflection on life. While I was traveling home today, I thought of two people who, at some point in my life, have caused me, or I caused them some pain. And I was happy to discover that remembering them now, I only look back with little sadness and always with some hope.
Rina, who I have been closest to since college. Until now, I honestly don’t know what went wrong between us. Thinking about her and our falling out, remembering how we used to be always brought me pain and regret. I just thought friends never give up on each other. Remembering her today, I just hope one day she’ll learn to forgive me, for whatever reason and for whatever I did to hurt her. If I die now and if somehow this reaches you, know that I have forgiven you and will always remember you as Rina, my dearest friend who had the weirdest type in men (extremely intelligent, balding and should definitely have a visayan accent), my dearest friend who’d pay thousands to watch a Westlife concert, my dearest friend who wanted nothing more than to live in London and develop a British accent. If by chance you do read this and you are now living in London, I don’t mind if you do decide taking me there, afterall you did promise me. Hehehe =)
Diane, who I have been closest to since highschool. God knows my intentions were pure, and every action I took was only to protect her. But her anger is understandable and completely acceptable. I guess when I decided to do what I did, I knew I will lose her. I just didn’t expect I’d lose so much more. Looking back, perhaps my decision was not the best choice, or perhaps it just made things worse for her. But there was no way I could have predicted things, any true friend would not have stood by and watch. I just can’t bring myself to stand by and watch you, Diane. I am sorry. If I die now, know that will always hold you and your family close to my heart.
Actually, I also thought about my father. Our story has already been told and a reconciliation has been issued. I love you always and forever. No matter what you do or say my love will never waver. If I die now, know this.
I’m still not sure what runs through the mind of those who die young, or those who are about to encounter death, but if I die now. . . I die with no regret, and absolutely no fear.
Today, I wondered about the people who die young. I’m one of those foolish few who do not fear death. Perhaps I am indeed disillusioned, but it’s the way I am. . . it’s who I am. What runs through the minds of people who are about to die? Can they feel their death? Do they feel fear? Will I die young? Will I always travel the longest, even in life?
Thinking about death always makes me look back on the few things I regret. Being a believer of God’s plan, there is no decision I’ve made that I regret. . . My husband and I just recently went into a fun debate on how to distinguish man’s free-will and God’s plan. My husband believes in both, as do I. But the tricky part in the analogy, I think, is defining the boundary between free-will and God’s plan. How will you explain it? I had to take a bath before I can finally figure it out.
Man’s free-will and God’s plan is best distinguished by liking life to a free-way road. Like life, everything rushes through the free-way. The most disastrous road accidents happen on the freeway, just like life. We are the drivers, our decisions are the vehicles. Driving on this long wide road of life, I get to make the decision to stop, to go back, to move to the lane on the right, or move back to the left lane. Ofcourse, people who stop and/or go back do not go far in life. They learn little, they don’t grow much. People who drive so fast, they are bound to either cause or get into accidents. These accidents often affect other drivers on the road, so do our decisions. Where does God’s plan fit in all these? Don’t you forget, God is always the designer, the mastermind. He is the great engineer who built the great road of life. On this road, there are curves and turns – directions on the road where we are only faced with the decision either to move forward (to follow the curve/turn), to come to a halt, or to move backwards. This is how I can best explain God’s plan. In life, when we come across situations where we are left with no choice but accept, these are the curves of life God designed for us. They were not placed there to hurt us, rather they were intentionally and uniquely planned for each one of us -- for us to learn.
I used to tell this story about my childhood to my husband that he always found so peculiar. When I was still a child and learning how to ride a bicycle, I’d ride my bike in circles around our garage, only I place little obstacles along the way – a thick piece of wood, a fallen branch, a broomstick. . . anything I can find that can act as a hump, a bump, a hole on the road. For some reason or another, just going around in circles with nothing but a smooth road did not give me as much satisfaction as successfully going through my fake obstacles. Weird, I know.
Speaking about weird. I’m not sure if this is even related, but my husband find this fact about me funny and equally as peculiar as the “hump” thing. How do you eat cake? Do you eat it cutting through the piece vertically, cutting a small portion of each layer of cake and icing? I guess most people eat cake the same way. I don’t. I eat cake, layer by layer. I start from the bottom. . . usually with the least amount of icing, making my way layer per layer of cake and icing to the top, where the thickest and the most delicious toppings are. Saving the best for last, I always tell him. He would just laugh at me, like I’m an alien from some planet who painstakingly enjoys torturing oneself. I guess, I’d just rather deal with the hard stuff now, to get it over and done with. . . so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor without worry in the future. =)
Anyway, going back to my reflection on life. While I was traveling home today, I thought of two people who, at some point in my life, have caused me, or I caused them some pain. And I was happy to discover that remembering them now, I only look back with little sadness and always with some hope.
Rina, who I have been closest to since college. Until now, I honestly don’t know what went wrong between us. Thinking about her and our falling out, remembering how we used to be always brought me pain and regret. I just thought friends never give up on each other. Remembering her today, I just hope one day she’ll learn to forgive me, for whatever reason and for whatever I did to hurt her. If I die now and if somehow this reaches you, know that I have forgiven you and will always remember you as Rina, my dearest friend who had the weirdest type in men (extremely intelligent, balding and should definitely have a visayan accent), my dearest friend who’d pay thousands to watch a Westlife concert, my dearest friend who wanted nothing more than to live in London and develop a British accent. If by chance you do read this and you are now living in London, I don’t mind if you do decide taking me there, afterall you did promise me. Hehehe =)
Diane, who I have been closest to since highschool. God knows my intentions were pure, and every action I took was only to protect her. But her anger is understandable and completely acceptable. I guess when I decided to do what I did, I knew I will lose her. I just didn’t expect I’d lose so much more. Looking back, perhaps my decision was not the best choice, or perhaps it just made things worse for her. But there was no way I could have predicted things, any true friend would not have stood by and watch. I just can’t bring myself to stand by and watch you, Diane. I am sorry. If I die now, know that will always hold you and your family close to my heart.
Actually, I also thought about my father. Our story has already been told and a reconciliation has been issued. I love you always and forever. No matter what you do or say my love will never waver. If I die now, know this.
I’m still not sure what runs through the mind of those who die young, or those who are about to encounter death, but if I die now. . . I die with no regret, and absolutely no fear.
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