Never again!

I know it's been a while. I've been meaning to tell you, but . . . I guess I'm just too tired. November, can't believe how this year has changed my life so much. Two months to go, and it seems destiny has so much more in store for me. Looking back, simply saying that this year has been a roller coaster may still be an understatement. I can't even start to describe how it has changed me. I am fatigued. Nope, well. . . yes probably physically but more so emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes whenever I get the chance to stop and think, I wonder why I feel so tired. I want to get away -- for time to stop, for the world to desist from turning. To be invisible and just watch, without worry of disappointing, of hurting.

I have this ridiculous thought that I fancifully believe in my insane existence (as my husband gracefully puts it: twisted). Do you think I would die early? Sometimes I wish I would. Haha, morbid I know. But I guess that's how twisted minds think. My husband often push the stupid though aside, like it's an impossibility (is this even a word? whatever!) I sometimes think what He'd do if I actually did die early? That would be a laugh! Can you imagine if I do manage to "outdie" all the people I care about? My God! My insanity is going worse every minute!

I guess what I'm saying is I have always lived in fear that I would lose everything and everyone I hold dear. Probably this was brought on my the early death of my brother, that at a very young age I was forced to understand how quickly deadth comes and how it is irreversible no matter how hard we theaten God to bring them back. And though now, I still live in the same fear. I still call my mom every night to tell her I love them ( my family I left at home), believing I cannot take the chance. Knowing I cannot live the rest of my life if something did happen to them (knock, knock, knock) as I slept soundly at night. Every since I was a child, I have always been conscious of the fact that my parensts are older than most of my friends' parents. And because of this, I always feel as if I'm running out of time . . .that every minute of everyday, I must let them know that I love them. . . that I could lose them anytime. My husband always tell me how differently we were raised. That they have never been too "showy" in their family. For me, it's not about how we were raised. It's because we have already lost someone in our family, that made us love and appreciate each other more. Death has unexpectedly knocked on our door once. . . we will never be caught unprepared again.

I can still remember that night at the hospital. I only remember fragments though. I was so young, at 9. I knew something was wrong, we were in a hospital afterall. I remember my brother (our 2nd) sleeping inside the closet, waiting for him to wake up. I remember seeing the doctors and nurses lifting his body off the bed to change the sheets beneath him. I remember feeling his skin. . . it was cold. . . he was lifeless. He had bruises, and still I pinched him. I wanted him to stop this joke. Perhaps I too wanted to cry, or perhaps I was still too young to feel the gravity of the situation. Even when I was so young, I always believed I had to be strong for them, for her. She was crying non-stop. She cried as the pain in her legs kept her awake. She walked in circles wishing for the pain to stop. Perhaps it was not the pain in her legs, perhaps it was more from losing him. I tucked my tears, I held her legs, and tried to ease the pain away. I remember the darkness settling over our home. I felt the silence. I felt the cold. Sometimes I can still feel it when I am here.

Anyway, ever since then I knew I can lose any of them in an instant, and never again will I be caught unprepared. Sometimes, when I feel so tired like I am now, I wonder how it feels like to die. To finally return to my home, to be at peace with Him. But again, just thinking about the tears whe'll cry, and pain that will reutn tenfold, I cannot do that to her. I simply cannot bear it to see her like that again. I can't, and I refuse to be the reason for her to cry like that again, even watching from beyond.

And so, I am tired but I cannot rest. I can't rest while she has not rested. And though I dread that day to come, I know eventually it will. Until that day comes, I will make them know and feel every minute of everyday that I love each of them more than my own. And no matter how tired, sad, frustrated and angry I am, my smile and my laughter will always sound true to them.

Kuya Marlowe, you and I, we are connected. I may not had the chance to shed a million tears then, but I know you know that I express my love for you everyday whenever I share a hug, a kiss, a smile and a laughter with each of them. When my day finally comes, will you show me around?

It just simply wouldn't be me if it does not end TWISTED!