Ok, so I went to Globe telecom today. Being in dire need of cash to fund a rush shipment, I needed to cash-out all of my G-Cash. I knew the I.D. I was carrying is expired, but I took my chances. All my other valid and "unexpired" I.D.'s are conveniently being held hostage in my husbands wallet. Anyway, I thought to myself, they only needed it to validate that I was infact who I say I am -- ***(my name)***.
I guess, I should have expected it, but I was so desperate to have that cash today that I was ready to go to war with just about anybody. Ofcourse, I was turned down. Apparently, the PRC I.D. I had with me is "not valid" as it has expired early this year. I'm sure I frowned fiercely and gave the not-so-pleasant Globe personnel some piece of my mind.
I.D.-- An identity document (also called a piece of identification or ID, or colloquially as one's '"papers"') is any document which may be used to verify aspects of a person's personal identity. What does my expired PRC I.D. represent? It's saying that the person on the I.D. is named ***(my name)*** and that he/she is a licensed CPA. This means that for the time that the ID is valid, the person on the I.D. can practice his/her profession, that she is capable and qualified to practice it, and is governed by the rules of her profession and that of the PRC body itself.
Let's go back to Globe Telecom. When Globe Telecom asks for I.D. for purposes of cashing-out G-Cash, what is their exact purpose? To identify that the person standing in front of them is in fact the same person on the I.D. and that the person's name has in fact the same name registered on the post paid mobile number he/she has. So, since my I.D. is expired, does it change the fact that I am who my I.D. says I am? Does the expiration date on my I.D. indicate that I cease to be ***(my name)***? Does having an expired I.D. spur on the suspicion that it is fake, forged or "Recto-made"? The fact is, they need my I.D. only for purposes of identification. They do not need me to be a licensed CPA. They don't need me to be a licensed driver. They don't need me to be an SSS member. They just need to know two things -- first, that the I.D. I presented is authentic, and second, that I am who I say I am. So, what does it matter that the I.D. is expired?
Here's a nice picture... Say I was found dead in some slum somewhere in Vegas. Why Vegas? You'll see in a bit. hahaha... I carry nothing, no cellphone, no wallet, no money. I only have my clothes on and one I.D. The I.D. I have in my pocket says I am ***(my name)***. Imagine Catherine Willows saying, "Our Jane Doe, is Jane Doe no more! But, uh oh! This I.D. is expired! I guess this is not her afterall. We have a Jane Doe in our hands. TOD? COD? Run her fingerprints maybe we'll get a hit and be able to identify her. hahahaha... Get my drift?
I know. I know. I'm making excuses, and it's not really Globe Telecoms fault. But hey, I do make a very interesting and VALID argument, right?
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Monday, May 09, 2011
The story of Gab
Once, words came to me in a steady stream, thus the title "Streaming Thoughts". In troubling times, I was left at a blank. Blank, like the steady beeping sound that comes after when a television station signs off. But ever since I gave birth and became a mother, my mind has become a clutter, a noisy blur. I have become a hoarder -- a hoarder of memories, lists to do, feelings of joy, hurt, worry and relief. Why if I were Harry Potter, I'd be long dead before I can summon a decent patronus to scare away soul-sucking dementors! Oh Oprah, help me declutter!!!
Let's see. Where should I start? A pensieve perhaps to help me single out memories in a single hair-like strand? Arrrggghhh! Enough Harry Potter!!!
I guess, it's best to start where I left off. The day I gave birth. Two years. Two years of backlog! This is going to be long and grueling...
April 2, 2009: Me, Myke and Lola went to my OB's clinic for yet another check-up. I was initially scheduled for a C-section on May30, but since my little Gabby, being her l'il ol' cooperative self (as I know her now), has finally settled and decided to position herself head down, we were back to the more scary and a-million-uncertainties way of giving birth -- normal delivery. My OB checked me out, and I was already 3cm dilated. Gab has not moved down enough though to satisfy my OB's taste and so she scraped...ahhhhh ... something! hahahaha.... (ok, ok... googling!) She scraped the uterine lining to induce labor. =) Was a little uncomfortable, but nothing I can't handle. I am one tough mama!
Later that afternoon, Myke and I decided to walk it out at the nearest mall. Myke even wanted to watch the movie "Monsters vs Aliens", but I declined. I guess, I was too excited and too worried to concentrate on any movie at that time.
April3, 2009: It was 1:30am when I finally decided to pack it all up and hit the bed. I was making those black, white and red abstract figures that's told to stimulate babies' brains. 'Was making one into a mobile. Yes, I was still nesting until the last minute of my pregnancy! Hahaha... Anyway, got into bed and tried to sleep. By 3am, I still couldn't sleep. I was having one of those dysmenorrhea-like pains. I did not think anything of it though 'coz ever since my OB scraped that "something", a subtle pain started there and stayed on. I decided to check up on my mom, who's always awake at the wee hours of night watching one of her Korean novelas. She was asleep but the TV was on, and so a slumped back on one of the more comfortable sofas and watched a little. After some time, my mom awakened and was surprised to see I was there. I told her, I was experiencing some pain. She told me that it was nothing and that it would take hours or even days before I start to go on labor. I believed my mom (she is a midwife after all and has given birth to 4 children). For experiments sake though, I tried to count the minutes in between the onsets of pain. Ok go! Pain ... pain ... pain ... ouch ... ouch ... ouch ... stop! -- 3:30am. 3:35am --Pain ... pain ... pain ... ouch ... ouch ... ouch ... stop! -- 3:40am -- Pain ... pain ... pain ... ouch ... ouch ... ouch ... stop! -- 3:45am. Oh...my...God! It was happening every 5 minutes! I thought to myself, could this be it? Consulted my mom ofcourse, and once again she assured me that I was not in labor, that if I were, I'd be squirming in pain! My OB told me that I should text or call her as soon as the bouts of pain are 5 minutes apart. I was a little irritated at my mom by then. I felt as if she was belittling the pain I was experiencing! Anyway, I'm one obedient patient, and so I texted my OB. I was afraid to call her and wake her up so early in the morning only to find out it was in fact nothing. She instructed me to go to the hospital. I woke up Myke, told him we must go. I took a quick bath and then we're off!
In the car, the pain was becoming more intense -- had to put more concentration into it. In between the pain though, I was smiling, laughing even, and instructing Myke to slow down. He was acting more nervous than I was! Got admitted at St. Lukes, got hooked to a machine (I think it measured the intensity of the labor pains) and was informed I was .... hmmmm... this one's a toughy (can't remember exactly) .... let's say I was 5cm along. What do you think? Is that believable? hahahaha.... It was 5am, waited a while in a small enclosed area... was becoming harder to concentrate at that time. I did not squirm. I did not cry. I did not talk. I just closed my eyes and concentrated.
By 6am, my OB arrived. I was transferred to the labor room. There were other soon-to-be-mommy's in there. Oh, they did not look too good! hahaha... My OB got me settled on a bed, hooked me up on the machine and some dextrose, I believe. My OB asked me if I wanted to her to inject some sort of pain killer in my tube, as my anesthesiologist has not arrived yet. I said yes, and tried to stay as comfortable as I can. My OB, sat beside me the whole time. Talking to some of the nurses and doctors in the labor room. By 7:30am, the anesthesiologist arrived and they took me to an empty delivery room. 'was stripped, the injection site sterilized and my anesthesiologist did his wonders. He was a very good-looking guy...very friendly too! hahaha... (not the best time and way to meet a good-looking man, I know! But he was. Really! And a doctor! hahaha Stop it!) Anyway, he was babbling on about how other women wanted to feel the pain, and how some believe it would have effects on the baby. Ofcourse, he believed otherwise, and I agree with him, totally! hahahaha... Not only because he's eye-candy (may only talaga noh?) but because my birthing experience was just so wonderful. Can't begin to describe it. Anyway, moving forward. I was moved back to the labor room. I was pain-free and happy! I did not sleep though, was too excited for that. By 9:30, my OB said I was ready. Don't ask me how far along I was, I surely don't remember. I guess I was 10cm? Isn't that when the doctors say you're ready? hahahaha...
I was brought back to the empty delivery room, more nurses, the cute doctor was there too. They were looking for Myke. Where on earth could he be? I later discovered that he forgot the video camera in the car! He ran to the car and got it. By the time he got to the delivery room, I was already pushing .... and yes, smiling! I told you, it was a wonderful experience! I was posing for a picture in between pushes! I was deliriously pain-free! By 10:01am, little Gabby was finally out! They cleaned her a little, gave her to me, and instructed me to try breastfeeding her. She sucked a little, but I'm pretty sure did not get any. They took her to the nursery, and I was taken to the recovery room. I was still pain-free and happy...and asleep.
By 12:30pm, I was awake and wondering when I can see Gabby and be transferred to my room. Apparently there was no doctor available to release me from recovery. The pediatrician on duty approached me and informed me that they were performing tests on Gabby. He was a ...hmmmmm... how do you call a pediatrician who specializes in cardio? Well, that's what he was. He said that he found something irregular with her heartbeat, and that he'd continuously monitor it for the rest of the day. What is the worst day that you can come down w/ colds? Well, that was the day! I had slight fever from colds. And so, they opted not to let Gabby stay w/ me in my room. I was finally transferred to my room around 3pm, I think. Myke and Lola were there waiting. Ofcourse, Myke was comfortably watching TV (Ano pa nga ba?). I was beginning to feel the pain from my episiotomy, but not overly much. I slept maybe around 6:30pm, and paid Gab a visit. I walked to the nursery w/ Myke. Was painful, but nothing I couldn't handle. I am afterall, the mommy who laughed all through labor and delivery! hahaha.... Saw her, so small, so beautiful and asleep. Since I had a fever, they advised not to have me breastfeed her. Lola went home w/ Myke's parents that night. Myke stayed with me, well he'd better! =)
April4, 2009: Overnight, the nurse came to sponge me down and give me my meds. By morning, my fever was gone. My OB gave me a visit and just wanted to make sure everything was A-ok. I went back to the nursery and started breastfeeding. A nurse instructed me how. It was not much of a problem. You know Gab, always a fast learner. She drank right on! By early afternoon, Lola has not come back. I called home and was able to talk to my sister. She told me my dad suffered a stroke the previous night and that they'd taken him to the hospital. He was not doing too well. I did not know how to receive that news. I was happy and devastated at the same time. I read somewhere before that you should not give in to feelings of sadness or anger while breastfeeding. I'm not sure if there is any scientific proof into that, but I guess babies can be very sensitive and intuitive too. So, I decided to put my worries aside and concentrate on the baby that needs me. By late that afternoon, I wanted Gab to be transferred to my room. The pediatrician, allowed it, finally! It was almost 6pm by then, and it was the first time Myke was able to touch and carry Gab. The nurse instructed us as to the basics of caring, but nothing could really prepare us, is there? It takes hands-on practice. If I had known beforehand that taking care of a baby required months and years of sleepless nights, I'd have let Gabby sleep in the nursery for just one more night. hahaha... Am I a bad mommy now? It's just that, looking back, I could have used a little more rest. Myke slept, I didn't.
April 5, 2009: The following morning, Sunday, the pediatrician assured us that that Gab's heart is doing great and so we were released from the hospital. Lola and Ta Ly were still in the other hospital watching over my dad. And so when Gab got home, there was nobody to greet her. It was just an empty house with just me, Myke and ... Gab.
To be continued....
Let's see. Where should I start? A pensieve perhaps to help me single out memories in a single hair-like strand? Arrrggghhh! Enough Harry Potter!!!
I guess, it's best to start where I left off. The day I gave birth. Two years. Two years of backlog! This is going to be long and grueling...
April 2, 2009: Me, Myke and Lola went to my OB's clinic for yet another check-up. I was initially scheduled for a C-section on May30, but since my little Gabby, being her l'il ol' cooperative self (as I know her now), has finally settled and decided to position herself head down, we were back to the more scary and a-million-uncertainties way of giving birth -- normal delivery. My OB checked me out, and I was already 3cm dilated. Gab has not moved down enough though to satisfy my OB's taste and so she scraped...ahhhhh ... something! hahahaha.... (ok, ok... googling!) She scraped the uterine lining to induce labor. =) Was a little uncomfortable, but nothing I can't handle. I am one tough mama!
Later that afternoon, Myke and I decided to walk it out at the nearest mall. Myke even wanted to watch the movie "Monsters vs Aliens", but I declined. I guess, I was too excited and too worried to concentrate on any movie at that time.
April3, 2009: It was 1:30am when I finally decided to pack it all up and hit the bed. I was making those black, white and red abstract figures that's told to stimulate babies' brains. 'Was making one into a mobile. Yes, I was still nesting until the last minute of my pregnancy! Hahaha... Anyway, got into bed and tried to sleep. By 3am, I still couldn't sleep. I was having one of those dysmenorrhea-like pains. I did not think anything of it though 'coz ever since my OB scraped that "something", a subtle pain started there and stayed on. I decided to check up on my mom, who's always awake at the wee hours of night watching one of her Korean novelas. She was asleep but the TV was on, and so a slumped back on one of the more comfortable sofas and watched a little. After some time, my mom awakened and was surprised to see I was there. I told her, I was experiencing some pain. She told me that it was nothing and that it would take hours or even days before I start to go on labor. I believed my mom (she is a midwife after all and has given birth to 4 children). For experiments sake though, I tried to count the minutes in between the onsets of pain. Ok go! Pain ... pain ... pain ... ouch ... ouch ... ouch ... stop! -- 3:30am. 3:35am --Pain ... pain ... pain ... ouch ... ouch ... ouch ... stop! -- 3:40am -- Pain ... pain ... pain ... ouch ... ouch ... ouch ... stop! -- 3:45am. Oh...my...God! It was happening every 5 minutes! I thought to myself, could this be it? Consulted my mom ofcourse, and once again she assured me that I was not in labor, that if I were, I'd be squirming in pain! My OB told me that I should text or call her as soon as the bouts of pain are 5 minutes apart. I was a little irritated at my mom by then. I felt as if she was belittling the pain I was experiencing! Anyway, I'm one obedient patient, and so I texted my OB. I was afraid to call her and wake her up so early in the morning only to find out it was in fact nothing. She instructed me to go to the hospital. I woke up Myke, told him we must go. I took a quick bath and then we're off!
In the car, the pain was becoming more intense -- had to put more concentration into it. In between the pain though, I was smiling, laughing even, and instructing Myke to slow down. He was acting more nervous than I was! Got admitted at St. Lukes, got hooked to a machine (I think it measured the intensity of the labor pains) and was informed I was .... hmmmm... this one's a toughy (can't remember exactly) .... let's say I was 5cm along. What do you think? Is that believable? hahahaha.... It was 5am, waited a while in a small enclosed area... was becoming harder to concentrate at that time. I did not squirm. I did not cry. I did not talk. I just closed my eyes and concentrated.
By 6am, my OB arrived. I was transferred to the labor room. There were other soon-to-be-mommy's in there. Oh, they did not look too good! hahaha... My OB got me settled on a bed, hooked me up on the machine and some dextrose, I believe. My OB asked me if I wanted to her to inject some sort of pain killer in my tube, as my anesthesiologist has not arrived yet. I said yes, and tried to stay as comfortable as I can. My OB, sat beside me the whole time. Talking to some of the nurses and doctors in the labor room. By 7:30am, the anesthesiologist arrived and they took me to an empty delivery room. 'was stripped, the injection site sterilized and my anesthesiologist did his wonders. He was a very good-looking guy...very friendly too! hahaha... (not the best time and way to meet a good-looking man, I know! But he was. Really! And a doctor! hahaha Stop it!) Anyway, he was babbling on about how other women wanted to feel the pain, and how some believe it would have effects on the baby. Ofcourse, he believed otherwise, and I agree with him, totally! hahahaha... Not only because he's eye-candy (may only talaga noh?) but because my birthing experience was just so wonderful. Can't begin to describe it. Anyway, moving forward. I was moved back to the labor room. I was pain-free and happy! I did not sleep though, was too excited for that. By 9:30, my OB said I was ready. Don't ask me how far along I was, I surely don't remember. I guess I was 10cm? Isn't that when the doctors say you're ready? hahahaha...
I was brought back to the empty delivery room, more nurses, the cute doctor was there too. They were looking for Myke. Where on earth could he be? I later discovered that he forgot the video camera in the car! He ran to the car and got it. By the time he got to the delivery room, I was already pushing .... and yes, smiling! I told you, it was a wonderful experience! I was posing for a picture in between pushes! I was deliriously pain-free! By 10:01am, little Gabby was finally out! They cleaned her a little, gave her to me, and instructed me to try breastfeeding her. She sucked a little, but I'm pretty sure did not get any. They took her to the nursery, and I was taken to the recovery room. I was still pain-free and happy...and asleep.
By 12:30pm, I was awake and wondering when I can see Gabby and be transferred to my room. Apparently there was no doctor available to release me from recovery. The pediatrician on duty approached me and informed me that they were performing tests on Gabby. He was a ...hmmmmm... how do you call a pediatrician who specializes in cardio? Well, that's what he was. He said that he found something irregular with her heartbeat, and that he'd continuously monitor it for the rest of the day. What is the worst day that you can come down w/ colds? Well, that was the day! I had slight fever from colds. And so, they opted not to let Gabby stay w/ me in my room. I was finally transferred to my room around 3pm, I think. Myke and Lola were there waiting. Ofcourse, Myke was comfortably watching TV (Ano pa nga ba?). I was beginning to feel the pain from my episiotomy, but not overly much. I slept maybe around 6:30pm, and paid Gab a visit. I walked to the nursery w/ Myke. Was painful, but nothing I couldn't handle. I am afterall, the mommy who laughed all through labor and delivery! hahaha.... Saw her, so small, so beautiful and asleep. Since I had a fever, they advised not to have me breastfeed her. Lola went home w/ Myke's parents that night. Myke stayed with me, well he'd better! =)
April4, 2009: Overnight, the nurse came to sponge me down and give me my meds. By morning, my fever was gone. My OB gave me a visit and just wanted to make sure everything was A-ok. I went back to the nursery and started breastfeeding. A nurse instructed me how. It was not much of a problem. You know Gab, always a fast learner. She drank right on! By early afternoon, Lola has not come back. I called home and was able to talk to my sister. She told me my dad suffered a stroke the previous night and that they'd taken him to the hospital. He was not doing too well. I did not know how to receive that news. I was happy and devastated at the same time. I read somewhere before that you should not give in to feelings of sadness or anger while breastfeeding. I'm not sure if there is any scientific proof into that, but I guess babies can be very sensitive and intuitive too. So, I decided to put my worries aside and concentrate on the baby that needs me. By late that afternoon, I wanted Gab to be transferred to my room. The pediatrician, allowed it, finally! It was almost 6pm by then, and it was the first time Myke was able to touch and carry Gab. The nurse instructed us as to the basics of caring, but nothing could really prepare us, is there? It takes hands-on practice. If I had known beforehand that taking care of a baby required months and years of sleepless nights, I'd have let Gabby sleep in the nursery for just one more night. hahaha... Am I a bad mommy now? It's just that, looking back, I could have used a little more rest. Myke slept, I didn't.
April 5, 2009: The following morning, Sunday, the pediatrician assured us that that Gab's heart is doing great and so we were released from the hospital. Lola and Ta Ly were still in the other hospital watching over my dad. And so when Gab got home, there was nobody to greet her. It was just an empty house with just me, Myke and ... Gab.
To be continued....
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Back to Normal and Early Gift-givers
Back to Normal
So baby, for a while now my OB has been telling me that I may be delivering you via C-section because my little Gab prefers to sit on her little hinny all the time. This means that the nice doctor is going to make a small insicion on Mommy's tummy and take you out from there, much similar to what they did to the big bad wolf to take little red riding hood out safely. Actually, Daddy has even consulted Feng Shui experts in Shanghai to determine the luckiest date and time for us to finally welcome you. March 31, 9 a.m. would have been the big day, baby. However, during my last visit to the doctor, March 12, she takes a very brief peek at you via her magic wand and you gave us all a very shocking surprise! Why my little Gab has performed a perfect summersault and has finally decided to settle head-down. I didn't know exactly how to feel in all honesty, as Mommy has already set her mind into undergoing the operation. We had it all planned. Even Daddy has been mentally preparing himself for the gory scene he would be witnessing firsthand as he holds my hand during the entire procedure, promising to only take clips and photos of you and not of the "carnage" that would be taking place behind the green curtains. Now that we're back to normal, I am forced to face a whole lot of new fears and unknowns that I have said goodbye to not so long ago. My blood began to drain from my head down to my feet!
Early Gift-givers
Whenever Daddy and I pass by a baby shop, Daddy obsesses over each brand's car seat and stroller. He doesn't care for clothes or baby bottles. He o
nly has eyes for three things: crib, car seat and stroller. Trust that Daddy has done a thorough research of the pros and cons of each brand, and of each model. I think he did pretty well. Only the best for his little Gab. Shocks for a baby stroller??? Well to Daddy all those extras count for something, no matter the price.
Lola Coring was likewise obsessed over this rocker ever since she first saw it. Compared to the abaca "duyan" that your cousins used back in their days....I believe, this is a vast improvement, plus the fact that it is pink!
I know it's not much but Mommy had to keep her hands busy or else she'd go insane doing nothing. I promise to improve on it some other time. Besides your cousin Annie did promise she'll paint you a cute mural for your room...I just don't know when she'll ever find the time. I do hope you'll like it, even just a little....please?
Any excuse to buy one of his gadgets, Daddy will surely take advantage of. I kept on telling him we can use the video cam Mommy borrowed from your Ninang Rica, still Daddy bought this behind my back! Daddy, say goodbye to your air conditioner!
Daddy's colleague in China, Candy, gave you this jewelry set in keeping with the Chinese tradition where grandparents give their grandchildren this set of silver bracelets and necklace. I guess, this makes her your Lola Candy??? You will soon meet her when we visit Daddy in Shanghai, and she promises to take us to Harbin and see the beautiful ice palaces, hotels and bars.
Since the time I first saw this sleepy turtle on the net, I have fallen in love with it and swore I'd get one for you. But since it was under my "want to have" list instead of my "baby essentials" list, I have postponed getting it for you. One of Daddy's very sweet friend in China, Julia, surprisingly knew about this turtle and gave this to you as a gift. It was one pleasant coincidence, and I can't wait for you to see and marvel at the many constellations on your ceiling being projected by this cute little turtle.
So baby, for a while now my OB has been telling me that I may be delivering you via C-section because my little Gab prefers to sit on her little hinny all the time. This means that the nice doctor is going to make a small insicion on Mommy's tummy and take you out from there, much similar to what they did to the big bad wolf to take little red riding hood out safely. Actually, Daddy has even consulted Feng Shui experts in Shanghai to determine the luckiest date and time for us to finally welcome you. March 31, 9 a.m. would have been the big day, baby. However, during my last visit to the doctor, March 12, she takes a very brief peek at you via her magic wand and you gave us all a very shocking surprise! Why my little Gab has performed a perfect summersault and has finally decided to settle head-down. I didn't know exactly how to feel in all honesty, as Mommy has already set her mind into undergoing the operation. We had it all planned. Even Daddy has been mentally preparing himself for the gory scene he would be witnessing firsthand as he holds my hand during the entire procedure, promising to only take clips and photos of you and not of the "carnage" that would be taking place behind the green curtains. Now that we're back to normal, I am forced to face a whole lot of new fears and unknowns that I have said goodbye to not so long ago. My blood began to drain from my head down to my feet!
Early Gift-givers
Whenever Daddy and I pass by a baby shop, Daddy obsesses over each brand's car seat and stroller. He doesn't care for clothes or baby bottles. He o
nly has eyes for three things: crib, car seat and stroller. Trust that Daddy has done a thorough research of the pros and cons of each brand, and of each model. I think he did pretty well. Only the best for his little Gab. Shocks for a baby stroller??? Well to Daddy all those extras count for something, no matter the price.
Lola Coring was likewise obsessed over this rocker ever since she first saw it. Compared to the abaca "duyan" that your cousins used back in their days....I believe, this is a vast improvement, plus the fact that it is pink!
I know it's not much but Mommy had to keep her hands busy or else she'd go insane doing nothing. I promise to improve on it some other time. Besides your cousin Annie did promise she'll paint you a cute mural for your room...I just don't know when she'll ever find the time. I do hope you'll like it, even just a little....please?
Any excuse to buy one of his gadgets, Daddy will surely take advantage of. I kept on telling him we can use the video cam Mommy borrowed from your Ninang Rica, still Daddy bought this behind my back! Daddy, say goodbye to your air conditioner!
Daddy's colleague in China, Candy, gave you this jewelry set in keeping with the Chinese tradition where grandparents give their grandchildren this set of silver bracelets and necklace. I guess, this makes her your Lola Candy??? You will soon meet her when we visit Daddy in Shanghai, and she promises to take us to Harbin and see the beautiful ice palaces, hotels and bars.
Since the time I first saw this sleepy turtle on the net, I have fallen in love with it and swore I'd get one for you. But since it was under my "want to have" list instead of my "baby essentials" list, I have postponed getting it for you. One of Daddy's very sweet friend in China, Julia, surprisingly knew about this turtle and gave this to you as a gift. It was one pleasant coincidence, and I can't wait for you to see and marvel at the many constellations on your ceiling being projected by this cute little turtle.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Bibi ko!
Bibi ko,
First and foremost, HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY! You’re right, we barely noticed that the time flew just like that... Guess it’s true that it really flies when you’re having fun. And yeah, we’ve been through a lot, both good and bad. But we endured by.. And we learned a lot from all those.. Still, God is very kind to us.. And pretty soon, we’re gonna be complete with the first (of many to come hehe).
Being away from you by is a bit difficult as I’m not used to being away from you for long periods of time. I try to think more for our family and our coming baby... and this makes it a bit easier for me. With the coming of baby Gab, any sacrifice is worth it.
On our 3rd year, know that my love for you has grown and blossomed more and more. And being apart from you just kept my heart long for you and makes it beat faster knowing that the time is getting nearer and nearer for us to be together again.
I also pray to God every night to guide our family always and that he shower us with all of his love and blessings.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH baby and nothing can ever dampen my love for you. I love you then, I love you now and forever I always will.
Bibi mo
P.S. Email ko nlang po kasi nauna na ung flowers ko e. I love you
First and foremost, HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY! You’re right, we barely noticed that the time flew just like that... Guess it’s true that it really flies when you’re having fun. And yeah, we’ve been through a lot, both good and bad. But we endured by.. And we learned a lot from all those.. Still, God is very kind to us.. And pretty soon, we’re gonna be complete with the first (of many to come hehe).
Being away from you by is a bit difficult as I’m not used to being away from you for long periods of time. I try to think more for our family and our coming baby... and this makes it a bit easier for me. With the coming of baby Gab, any sacrifice is worth it.
On our 3rd year, know that my love for you has grown and blossomed more and more. And being apart from you just kept my heart long for you and makes it beat faster knowing that the time is getting nearer and nearer for us to be together again.
I also pray to God every night to guide our family always and that he shower us with all of his love and blessings.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH baby and nothing can ever dampen my love for you. I love you then, I love you now and forever I always will.
Bibi mo
P.S. Email ko nlang po kasi nauna na ung flowers ko e. I love you
Friday, February 20, 2009
A scratch on the gem
It hurts to fall from the pedestal you once sat on. You see, love is like a drug. It flatters you. It sends you to the highest of high. It makes you believe that you are the rarest of gems, to be cared for and treasured.
It's no secret that I have been terribly spoiled by my husband. I never realized this, and simply accepted that this is how everybody loved. I did not know no other way to love other than in this extreme fashion, as I have not loved nor been loved before. And so, I loved him as if he were my life, and I expected him to love me as much. I smirked upon other relationships which I thought had a lesser "carat" of love than the pure and perfect one that I had.
Today I realized a scratch. A scratch on our most precious gem. I cried, screamed, threw a tantrum on the floor for my husband to do something to make it as perfect as it once was. Yet, no matter how hard he tried and no matter how hard I insisted, there was just no way. I cried and I begged until I came to a very striking realization. The gem was never perfect. I just thought it was, and the value that I once thought it deserved was just a terrible misconception. It was just terribly overpriced, and now it is undergoing a very disappointing reappraisal.
It puzzled me for days why it was so hard. Why after all the crying, fighting and begging, it still did not come. I have been reappraised. I have fallen flat on my face from the pedestal I once sat on. The drug has ceased, and reality was put me in my rightful place. I am ashamed. My father knew what my value was, how could I have been led to believe that I could be assessed any better?
I am ashamed.
It's no secret that I have been terribly spoiled by my husband. I never realized this, and simply accepted that this is how everybody loved. I did not know no other way to love other than in this extreme fashion, as I have not loved nor been loved before. And so, I loved him as if he were my life, and I expected him to love me as much. I smirked upon other relationships which I thought had a lesser "carat" of love than the pure and perfect one that I had.
Today I realized a scratch. A scratch on our most precious gem. I cried, screamed, threw a tantrum on the floor for my husband to do something to make it as perfect as it once was. Yet, no matter how hard he tried and no matter how hard I insisted, there was just no way. I cried and I begged until I came to a very striking realization. The gem was never perfect. I just thought it was, and the value that I once thought it deserved was just a terrible misconception. It was just terribly overpriced, and now it is undergoing a very disappointing reappraisal.
It puzzled me for days why it was so hard. Why after all the crying, fighting and begging, it still did not come. I have been reappraised. I have fallen flat on my face from the pedestal I once sat on. The drug has ceased, and reality was put me in my rightful place. I am ashamed. My father knew what my value was, how could I have been led to believe that I could be assessed any better?
I am ashamed.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Korona ng Patay
So this incredibly enormous arrangement of flower arrived today (Feb. 17). It is supposed to be the gift I earned from making a drama out of and begging my husband for a little of his precious attention and affection on the supposed day of love. In short, it’s my post valentine gift of consolation. Truth is, I already had a feeling that he'd make his great gesture today afterall, I have been crying and begging for days. I absolutely have no idea what he thinks he'd earn or resolve by sending me these flowers. Actually when I saw them, the first thing that came to my mind was... "Oh no, magkano na naman ginastos nya para sa mga yan!" The second, "Ang laki naman nyan, parang korona ng patay!" It's not that I don't like flowers but, the thing is, it was not what I was asking for. Why are men’s skulls so thick that it's so damn hard to get through to them? Are they really that stupid, or are they just pretending to be so?
Myke and I did agree not to spend during this Valentines Day, as we need to save as much as we can as part of our preparation for our baby's delivery. We said we'd just give each other cards on love day, and that would be it. But I felt guilty because I was not able to mail his card. All I had was a scanned copy of the card I had promised. So I thought, how can I not do something for him on a day when everybody else is celebrating love while he'd be alone in a foreign land (in Vietnam on a business trip) with only himself to celebrate with? So yes, I did spend a little. I sent him a simple bouquet of roses...but that was not my great gesture. If it were so, I would have sent him the most expensive and most beautiful bouquet they had. What I had hoped he'd appreciate was the spontaneity of the act and the effort I exerted in ordering and in finding out the address that he'd be at at that specific day and time. I regretted making the effort as soon as it arrived, for he received it as he would any letter of no significance whatsoever. "They are flowers. They are red. I have put them in a vase. Thank you." That was all. Next thing I knew he was off on a lunch meeting, dinner in a bar owned by some COO (Child Of Owner), then the following day, playing golf on a not so expensive fairway (for pleasure, ofcourse).
Yes, I am selfish because I expected to receive something in return. Ofcourse, never in a million years would I have expected to receive this “korona ng patay” of an arrangement. If I had expected to receive flowers in return, then I would have just told him not to bother…quits na lang! What I wanted from him does not even have a price tag on it. I wanted to feel that he appreciated my gesture. I wanted to feel that he cherished my gift. I wanted him to repay me with his time and sweet words of love. I wanted him to ask me how my day went, and to comfort me and reassure me that I am not alone and that everything will be alright. I wanted him to ask how our baby has grown, and how active she has been. None of that ever came, not even the card we promised each other. And so, I spent love day more alone than he was while I was at home and he was in a foreign land on business trip.
I have been crying for days now. The card he promised finally arrived with this expensive and enormous gift of shame. As expected, the card didn’t say much of anything other than the message originally printed on it. It says: “This card says everything I want to say.” I don’t even know what these flowers mean. They are beautiful but meaningless. I bet he just asked his secretary to order them and have it delivered here (a fact which I confirmed today). He does not even have a clue what on earth he sent to me. Where is the effort in that? I am pissed and disappointed. I can’t believe I was once so proud of the love he and I share. It was a fallacy, a figment of my imagination, an illusion that I made up in my mind, a dream that I made so perfect.
My mother is right. Life is unfair. I wake up every day to a father who is growing weaker each day that passes, to a mother who tries her best to comfort a husband who has been by her side for the last 52 years, a sister who has abandoned all roads to forgiveness, and a husband who is out of sight…and, just recently I find out, also out of love. Everything is falling apart in my life. Somehow I need to stop the tears from falling. Does my baby cry with me? Does my baby hear my heart break? Oh God, why is life so full of drama!
I sleep and wish for time to fly. Life is cruel, for there is no sleep. Even sleep has abandoned me, an open-heart surgery without anesthetics. I close my eyes and cry, wishing the excruciating pain would send me into the oblivion of numbness.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What have you been up to, Mommy?
Ok, so everybody's been asking me what I have been up to all these 7 months since I returned from Shanghai. Yes, I did my own share of bumming and lazing around, doing nothing but to eat, sleep and watch a whole lot of TV. But a major part of my time was spent preparing for you, my dear little Hannah Gabrielle (ask your dad if this name is his final answer!).
Some say that nesting is a natural instinct for mothers. As a mother bird prepares a cozy and secure nest for her little hatchlings, the same is true for human mothers. It wasn't all me ofcourse. Mommy was, most of the time, under house/room arrest during her pregnancy so a lot of people put a whole lot of love and effort to help me prepare for you, my little darling.
Hmmm, where should I start? Perhaps I should start with your crib, where you'd spend most of your early months in, either sleeping or playing. Daddy and I couldn't dec
ide in a million years what to get you. Truth is we preferred buying you a big and sturdy wooden crib. Well, because it looked better, seemed cozier and would last longer. But since Daddy and I will be flying you off to Shanghai a few months after you're born, we thought maybe it'd be more practical to buy a crib which we can easily transport and bring via handcarry to China. So after months and months of deliberation, we finally bought you a portable play yard. Daddy can pack this with one fold and easily carry it on one arm (Are you sure about this Daddy? hehehe)
The room which we turned into your nusery was before occupied by your Tito Ivan. Tito Ivan used that room ever since he was a bachelor even until the time he got married and had your cousins Sara, Annie and Teret. The room was once carpetted in blue and covered in wallpaper. But after having been badly abused by time and tortured by your
cousins, the room was just not fit to have you live in it as is. So your Lola Coring took charge in renovating the room. The old carpets were taken out and in its place granite tiles were set. The wallpaper was removed and fresh blue paint tainted its walls. Now, it used to be blue but the color somehow wasn't "cheery" enough for Mommy. So I had it repainted in yellow. The old cabinets and drawers were also repaired and repainted, a mix of pink salmon and powder blue. Don't you think it looks a whole lot better now?
For Christmas, I begged Daddy to buy me a rocking chair. I figured that a nursery will just not be complete without one, and it would be an excellent and comfortable nook for feeding and craddling you to sleep. I also would have loved to have one of those old fashioned wooden rocking chairs but your modern lazyboy-type is also more than acceptable. Daddy immediately had covers made for the chair (As you can see, Daddy's taste is getting better...flowery, shiny shimmery and splendid is orginally Mommy's taste!) so as to avoid chafing of its fake leather-like upholstery. It currently sits in our family room, but I'll have Daddy move it to the nursery when he arrives.
Also, for Christmas I received an electric sterilizer from your Tito Ivan. He says that your three cousins had a hand in picking the right brand. Now, I'm not sure about the brand...maybe it's more of the right price! But no matter, it's still an excellent choice.
Your feeding bottles were a gift as well from your Tita Polly. Mommy had a hard time choosing which bottles to use because of the the sudden noise of the BPA scare. BPA-free bottles were scracely availble in the Philippines at that time, and glass bottles were just too heavy and fragile. But your Tita Polly found this brand of incredibly light glass bottles. At this point, I don't see the need for too much bottles as I intend to breasfeed full-time. Let's just hope God gives Mommy lots and lots of milk!
They say that baby's who were made to hear Mozart's classics ended up more intelligent than those who were not exposed at all. I don't know if this is true but yes, I did made you listen to some of Mozart's music while you were still inside Mommy's tummy. Actually, I made you listen not only to Mozart but to some of my favorite children's songs and church songs as well. Your Lola Lou gave me a CD for Christmas containing famous classics for babies. I guess I could have had you listen more to this music but Mommy was "mayabang" and wanted you to grow more familiar to her music than any stanger's. So, as often as I can, I'd play piano for you. Though Mommy has a limited repertoire, she tried her best to play new melodies for you every time. Daddy also ATTEMPTED to play some piano for you. If you ask him now I'm sure he'll claim he played better music for you. haha! I'll let you be the judge of that. Ofcourse, I sang to you constantly. None of Daddy's nonesensical and silly compositions, but melodies from my childhood...lullabies, classic Disney, and some stage play songs.
In connection to milk, Mommy's next purchase was a reliable breastpump. Again, as usual, Mommy didn't have any idea which brand works best, plus the choice of whether to pick manual or electric, single or double. I ended up picking manual, because I'm just a stay at home mom and have all the time to pump for milk the whole day! hahaha By the way baby, yes we tested the pump on Daddy and he says it works. We did not test long though, as Daddy was already screaming and laughing out loud when the pump finally started sucking. I guess it either tickled him or he was in pain. I forgot to ask him.
For Mommy's birthday, Daddy gave me some gadgets for scrapbooking. I know, I know. I should have started on it by now, but I was a scatterbrain during my entire pregnancy. No matter how hard I try to connect to my usually creative self, no idea seem to be good enough. I guess I just want it to turn out to be real special. Don't worry baby, Mommy will record and keep track of all special moments for you. You can count on that! In fact, Daddy has already bought a few items which will help me keep track. A picture frame that will show how you grow and change from month to month until your first birthday, and a frame that will hold clay molds of you footprints and handprints.
A nursery will not be one without toys! I'm proud to say that I am able to hand you down some of my own toys. Sure they may not be as "hi-tech" and modern as the toys they have now, but they have served their purpose and have lived through 2 generations a
nd now going on its third. Daddy and I both agree that we'd rather you get exposed to the simple things to better develop your skills for creativity, innovation and social interaction rather than introduce you to toys that may use the most advanced technology but may later on impede your development. We want you to experience and find joy in playing with and caring for your dolls, decorate and make memorable stories in your doll house, play "lutulutuan" with your little pots and pans using different ingredients found in our kitchen or the garden, make bubbles and blow them from papaya stems, play patintero, tumbang-preso, agawang base with your friends...the options are endless! Ofourse, we'll not have you be ignorant in technology, as Daddy and Mommy are afterall gadget freaks! But, we'll regulate...we'll see. It's a tough one.
Daddy has placed his toys in your room. I'm not sure if this means he is willing to have you play with them. Probably when your a litle older.
Before Daddy went home from Shanghai for the the Chinese New Year, he bought this cute little play gym which he immediately demonstrated to me, as you can see. I guess you and Daddy can still squeeze under there until you're a year old.
Clothes. Most of the clothes I have prepared for you (tie-sides, cloth diapers, receiving blankets, towels and bed sheets) where all bought or sewn by your Lola Coring and Tita Polly. Since Mommy can no longer survive a trip to Divisoria, it was 
up to them to choose and collect for me clothes you would be wearing daily. The big colorful receiving blankets you will grow to love sleeping with were first hand-sewn by you Lola then finalized via machine by your Tita. They were all made out of love, so be sure to treasure and take care of them. By now, all your clothes, blankets and linens have been washed, ironed, labeled and folded (FYI, handwashing and ironing were all done by Mommy and your Lola -- labor of love parin!). They are now organized in labeled plastic containers and just waiting for your arrival.
I also bought a few prettier clothes for you to wear when we go malling or go visit you Lola Norma and Lolo Alex. I didn't buy a lot though as I anticipate you'd grow fast and will outgrow most of them in months. There is one cute little onsie though that is very special as it was given to you by your Ninang Joey. Ninang Joey is a friend Mommy made during her stay in Shanghai. You will adore her, as she is very playful, happy and have this very vibrant personality. She'll be the one to teach you your Mandarin (she's Chinese afterall). So be sure to practice saying "xie xie" to her when you finally get to meet her.
I guess it is traditional for mommies to give their wedding dresses to their daughters to wear on their wedding day. I can do that, but that would be getting ahead of too much time! In the meantime, I can hand you down some of the pretty and memorable dresses Mommy used to wear. 
Why these dresses were even worn by your cousins. So again, you'd the third generation to wear them.
If you should know one thing about Mommy, she is unable to wash clothes by hand. She can manage in small loads but not more for her hands easily get irritated by both the laundry soap and the friction from scrubbing. Arte noh! Yes, balat pang-mayaman ang ka
may ng Mommy! haha! Maybe in time, I'll get better but in the meantime, we'll stick to using the washing machine. This machine was given to me by your Lola Coring, as she knows my weakness and when you arrive, the piles of dirty clothes, towels and linens will start piling up. We'll let Daddy hand wash your soiled cloth diapers first before we put it in the machine (wink, wink). haha!
Books! Some of the books you'd be using were given by your Tita Polly. The children's bible she bought for you is just fantastic! Some, I bought from Booksale, but most are, as usual, pre-loved by Mommy and pre-abused by your cousins. You'll know what I mean when I say "pre-abused." They are all re-covered and labeled for your use.
By the way, Daddy wants me to mention that those cute little pink panda slippers are a gift from him which he bought from the province of Qingdao, China.
The pink hippo and brown gorilla were a gift from Daddy to Mommy, even before we were married. The rabbit, I have no idea. Perhaps, it belonged to your cousins.
We bought this pre-natal listening system on impulse. Daddy and I were excited to hear your heartbeat and probably even your movements inside Mommy's tummy. Why we could even record it if we wanted to. Unfortunately, you were positioned in my tummy that made it difficult for me to hear your heartbeat via this system or an ordinary stetoscope. So we usually just use this device when Daddy wants to hear you move. Personally, I prefer feeling you move and seeing you make waves on Mommy's tummy than hearing you. I didn't need to hear, because I can feel you and I can see you move with my own eyes! But Daddy gets excited nontheless to hear you.
We wanted to buy you an infrared ear thermometer but, it was too pricey! So Daddy and I decided to buy a digital thermometer instead. I found this medical kit which not only contained a digital thermometer but also forehead thermometer, nail clippers, hair brush, syringe, medicine dropper and a lot more other tools which may be helpful to us whenever you are feeling under the weather.
Lola Coring, Daddy and I dropped by the newly opened hardware store near our house and found this cute Disney flourescent light. We previously thought that it would make a good ceiling light to your room, but it was not bright enough. So, we just had it installed on the wall near the corner which we plan to have the little feeding nook I was telling you about. Hopefully, the light will not be too bright to hurt your little delicate eyes, and not so dim that Mommy will go groping in the dark.
It is Daddy's specific instruction to mention that he was the one who labored covering the insides of your drawers. Truth is, it was Mommy who covered the inside with cute wrapping papers and it was Daddy who completed it with plastic cover. He reluctantly but successfully covered one drawer a day. It took him 4 days to cover all three. Yes, he skipped one day! He was just too lazy!
I am 8 months along now and, with the help of your Lola Coring, my bags are all packed and ready to go anytime you go knocking on Mommy's cervix. Mommy's clothes are all ready, even packed a few for Daddy. The video cam is all set, which by the way belongs to your Ninang Rica. Your clothes and receiving blankets are ready together with your disposable diapers, a few feeding bottles and Mommy's breastpump. Everything is set, everything except for Daddy, who is currently in Shanghai working his butt off to prepare us financially. Please, please try to stay in Mommy's tummy until the time Daddy arrives so we may all CALMLY go to the hospital and celebrate your arrival, finally!
So you see, Mommy was not a complete bum all this time. Actually I still have a few more things to prepare before the big day. I still have to have the stuff toys in your room dry cleaned, have your room sprayed with baby-friendly insecticide and have the rest of your things disinfected. Perhaps I'll finally have everything done this week or the next.
I know that no matter how much I prepare, I'll never be prepared enough! But preparing as much as I can, eliminates a few things less to worry about when the chaos of you arrives. Chaotic because Mommy is a first-time mom and has some but not much experience with babies. Also, I figured, since people always say that in every delivery the life of both the mother and child are at risk....if God should decide to take me (morbid na naman si Mommy!), I would be leaving all these things for you. And surely , after you have seen how much time and effort I have put into preparing, you would know, without a doubt, that even before you were born, Mommy was able to serve you and loved your with all the love she can give.
Hmmm, where should I start? Perhaps I should start with your crib, where you'd spend most of your early months in, either sleeping or playing. Daddy and I couldn't dec
ide in a million years what to get you. Truth is we preferred buying you a big and sturdy wooden crib. Well, because it looked better, seemed cozier and would last longer. But since Daddy and I will be flying you off to Shanghai a few months after you're born, we thought maybe it'd be more practical to buy a crib which we can easily transport and bring via handcarry to China. So after months and months of deliberation, we finally bought you a portable play yard. Daddy can pack this with one fold and easily carry it on one arm (Are you sure about this Daddy? hehehe)
The room which we turned into your nusery was before occupied by your Tito Ivan. Tito Ivan used that room ever since he was a bachelor even until the time he got married and had your cousins Sara, Annie and Teret. The room was once carpetted in blue and covered in wallpaper. But after having been badly abused by time and tortured by your
cousins, the room was just not fit to have you live in it as is. So your Lola Coring took charge in renovating the room. The old carpets were taken out and in its place granite tiles were set. The wallpaper was removed and fresh blue paint tainted its walls. Now, it used to be blue but the color somehow wasn't "cheery" enough for Mommy. So I had it repainted in yellow. The old cabinets and drawers were also repaired and repainted, a mix of pink salmon and powder blue. Don't you think it looks a whole lot better now?
For Christmas, I begged Daddy to buy me a rocking chair. I figured that a nursery will just not be complete without one, and it would be an excellent and comfortable nook for feeding and craddling you to sleep. I also would have loved to have one of those old fashioned wooden rocking chairs but your modern lazyboy-type is also more than acceptable. Daddy immediately had covers made for the chair (As you can see, Daddy's taste is getting better...flowery, shiny shimmery and splendid is orginally Mommy's taste!) so as to avoid chafing of its fake leather-like upholstery. It currently sits in our family room, but I'll have Daddy move it to the nursery when he arrives.
Also, for Christmas I received an electric sterilizer from your Tito Ivan. He says that your three cousins had a hand in picking the right brand. Now, I'm not sure about the brand...maybe it's more of the right price! But no matter, it's still an excellent choice.Your feeding bottles were a gift as well from your Tita Polly. Mommy had a hard time choosing which bottles to use because of the the sudden noise of the BPA scare. BPA-free bottles were scracely availble in the Philippines at that time, and glass bottles were just too heavy and fragile. But your Tita Polly found this brand of incredibly light glass bottles. At this point, I don't see the need for too much bottles as I intend to breasfeed full-time. Let's just hope God gives Mommy lots and lots of milk!
They say that baby's who were made to hear Mozart's classics ended up more intelligent than those who were not exposed at all. I don't know if this is true but yes, I did made you listen to some of Mozart's music while you were still inside Mommy's tummy. Actually, I made you listen not only to Mozart but to some of my favorite children's songs and church songs as well. Your Lola Lou gave me a CD for Christmas containing famous classics for babies. I guess I could have had you listen more to this music but Mommy was "mayabang" and wanted you to grow more familiar to her music than any stanger's. So, as often as I can, I'd play piano for you. Though Mommy has a limited repertoire, she tried her best to play new melodies for you every time. Daddy also ATTEMPTED to play some piano for you. If you ask him now I'm sure he'll claim he played better music for you. haha! I'll let you be the judge of that. Ofcourse, I sang to you constantly. None of Daddy's nonesensical and silly compositions, but melodies from my childhood...lullabies, classic Disney, and some stage play songs.
In connection to milk, Mommy's next purchase was a reliable breastpump. Again, as usual, Mommy didn't have any idea which brand works best, plus the choice of whether to pick manual or electric, single or double. I ended up picking manual, because I'm just a stay at home mom and have all the time to pump for milk the whole day! hahaha By the way baby, yes we tested the pump on Daddy and he says it works. We did not test long though, as Daddy was already screaming and laughing out loud when the pump finally started sucking. I guess it either tickled him or he was in pain. I forgot to ask him.
For Mommy's birthday, Daddy gave me some gadgets for scrapbooking. I know, I know. I should have started on it by now, but I was a scatterbrain during my entire pregnancy. No matter how hard I try to connect to my usually creative self, no idea seem to be good enough. I guess I just want it to turn out to be real special. Don't worry baby, Mommy will record and keep track of all special moments for you. You can count on that! In fact, Daddy has already bought a few items which will help me keep track. A picture frame that will show how you grow and change from month to month until your first birthday, and a frame that will hold clay molds of you footprints and handprints.
A nursery will not be one without toys! I'm proud to say that I am able to hand you down some of my own toys. Sure they may not be as "hi-tech" and modern as the toys they have now, but they have served their purpose and have lived through 2 generations a
nd now going on its third. Daddy and I both agree that we'd rather you get exposed to the simple things to better develop your skills for creativity, innovation and social interaction rather than introduce you to toys that may use the most advanced technology but may later on impede your development. We want you to experience and find joy in playing with and caring for your dolls, decorate and make memorable stories in your doll house, play "lutulutuan" with your little pots and pans using different ingredients found in our kitchen or the garden, make bubbles and blow them from papaya stems, play patintero, tumbang-preso, agawang base with your friends...the options are endless! Ofourse, we'll not have you be ignorant in technology, as Daddy and Mommy are afterall gadget freaks! But, we'll regulate...we'll see. It's a tough one.
Daddy has placed his toys in your room. I'm not sure if this means he is willing to have you play with them. Probably when your a litle older.
Before Daddy went home from Shanghai for the the Chinese New Year, he bought this cute little play gym which he immediately demonstrated to me, as you can see. I guess you and Daddy can still squeeze under there until you're a year old.
Clothes. Most of the clothes I have prepared for you (tie-sides, cloth diapers, receiving blankets, towels and bed sheets) where all bought or sewn by your Lola Coring and Tita Polly. Since Mommy can no longer survive a trip to Divisoria, it was 
up to them to choose and collect for me clothes you would be wearing daily. The big colorful receiving blankets you will grow to love sleeping with were first hand-sewn by you Lola then finalized via machine by your Tita. They were all made out of love, so be sure to treasure and take care of them. By now, all your clothes, blankets and linens have been washed, ironed, labeled and folded (FYI, handwashing and ironing were all done by Mommy and your Lola -- labor of love parin!). They are now organized in labeled plastic containers and just waiting for your arrival.
I also bought a few prettier clothes for you to wear when we go malling or go visit you Lola Norma and Lolo Alex. I didn't buy a lot though as I anticipate you'd grow fast and will outgrow most of them in months. There is one cute little onsie though that is very special as it was given to you by your Ninang Joey. Ninang Joey is a friend Mommy made during her stay in Shanghai. You will adore her, as she is very playful, happy and have this very vibrant personality. She'll be the one to teach you your Mandarin (she's Chinese afterall). So be sure to practice saying "xie xie" to her when you finally get to meet her.
I guess it is traditional for mommies to give their wedding dresses to their daughters to wear on their wedding day. I can do that, but that would be getting ahead of too much time! In the meantime, I can hand you down some of the pretty and memorable dresses Mommy used to wear. 
Why these dresses were even worn by your cousins. So again, you'd the third generation to wear them.If you should know one thing about Mommy, she is unable to wash clothes by hand. She can manage in small loads but not more for her hands easily get irritated by both the laundry soap and the friction from scrubbing. Arte noh! Yes, balat pang-mayaman ang ka
may ng Mommy! haha! Maybe in time, I'll get better but in the meantime, we'll stick to using the washing machine. This machine was given to me by your Lola Coring, as she knows my weakness and when you arrive, the piles of dirty clothes, towels and linens will start piling up. We'll let Daddy hand wash your soiled cloth diapers first before we put it in the machine (wink, wink). haha!
Books! Some of the books you'd be using were given by your Tita Polly. The children's bible she bought for you is just fantastic! Some, I bought from Booksale, but most are, as usual, pre-loved by Mommy and pre-abused by your cousins. You'll know what I mean when I say "pre-abused." They are all re-covered and labeled for your use.By the way, Daddy wants me to mention that those cute little pink panda slippers are a gift from him which he bought from the province of Qingdao, China.
The pink hippo and brown gorilla were a gift from Daddy to Mommy, even before we were married. The rabbit, I have no idea. Perhaps, it belonged to your cousins.
We bought this pre-natal listening system on impulse. Daddy and I were excited to hear your heartbeat and probably even your movements inside Mommy's tummy. Why we could even record it if we wanted to. Unfortunately, you were positioned in my tummy that made it difficult for me to hear your heartbeat via this system or an ordinary stetoscope. So we usually just use this device when Daddy wants to hear you move. Personally, I prefer feeling you move and seeing you make waves on Mommy's tummy than hearing you. I didn't need to hear, because I can feel you and I can see you move with my own eyes! But Daddy gets excited nontheless to hear you.
We wanted to buy you an infrared ear thermometer but, it was too pricey! So Daddy and I decided to buy a digital thermometer instead. I found this medical kit which not only contained a digital thermometer but also forehead thermometer, nail clippers, hair brush, syringe, medicine dropper and a lot more other tools which may be helpful to us whenever you are feeling under the weather.
Lola Coring, Daddy and I dropped by the newly opened hardware store near our house and found this cute Disney flourescent light. We previously thought that it would make a good ceiling light to your room, but it was not bright enough. So, we just had it installed on the wall near the corner which we plan to have the little feeding nook I was telling you about. Hopefully, the light will not be too bright to hurt your little delicate eyes, and not so dim that Mommy will go groping in the dark.
It is Daddy's specific instruction to mention that he was the one who labored covering the insides of your drawers. Truth is, it was Mommy who covered the inside with cute wrapping papers and it was Daddy who completed it with plastic cover. He reluctantly but successfully covered one drawer a day. It took him 4 days to cover all three. Yes, he skipped one day! He was just too lazy!
I am 8 months along now and, with the help of your Lola Coring, my bags are all packed and ready to go anytime you go knocking on Mommy's cervix. Mommy's clothes are all ready, even packed a few for Daddy. The video cam is all set, which by the way belongs to your Ninang Rica. Your clothes and receiving blankets are ready together with your disposable diapers, a few feeding bottles and Mommy's breastpump. Everything is set, everything except for Daddy, who is currently in Shanghai working his butt off to prepare us financially. Please, please try to stay in Mommy's tummy until the time Daddy arrives so we may all CALMLY go to the hospital and celebrate your arrival, finally!So you see, Mommy was not a complete bum all this time. Actually I still have a few more things to prepare before the big day. I still have to have the stuff toys in your room dry cleaned, have your room sprayed with baby-friendly insecticide and have the rest of your things disinfected. Perhaps I'll finally have everything done this week or the next.
I know that no matter how much I prepare, I'll never be prepared enough! But preparing as much as I can, eliminates a few things less to worry about when the chaos of you arrives. Chaotic because Mommy is a first-time mom and has some but not much experience with babies. Also, I figured, since people always say that in every delivery the life of both the mother and child are at risk....if God should decide to take me (morbid na naman si Mommy!), I would be leaving all these things for you. And surely , after you have seen how much time and effort I have put into preparing, you would know, without a doubt, that even before you were born, Mommy was able to serve you and loved your with all the love she can give.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Life is not fair
"Life is not fair." I was surprised to hear these words uttered by my mother -- my mother who has always been full of strength, faith and life's wisdom. More than surprise, I guess what I felt was terror. What was once just a possibility, is now more a probability. My father's health is fast deteriorating, and with it, it would seem, my mother's faith as well. I can't blame her, actually. It is in fact unbearable but perhaps, for her, a hundredfold.
Life indeed is not fair. Life was never supposed to be so. Sometimes it is true that we reap what we sow but it is not always the case. Sometimes those lucky bastards get away with things the easy way, and other times they get what they deserve and more. Sometimes our good deeds go unappreciated and unnoticed yet, there are also times when praises are thrown our way with the least amount of effort. Life's trials are there not to punish us, they are there for a purpose...either to strengthen us, unite us with our loved ones, bring about a realization, teach us or the people around us life's lesson/s...the options are endless. But never must we doubt God, nor blame Him for being unfair. If life were fair, we'd probably all look the same, think the same, behave in the same manner, and born under the exact same circumstances.
How can I explain to you? How can I make you believe? How can I help you rest your doubts? Don't give up on me now, not now when we need to be strong...not now when all we have left is each other.
Lord, I lift up my life to you. I am afraid to look into the future for there is so much darkness. I am afraid of the sorrow. I am afraid of the emptiness. They are so familiar, unwelcome yet inevitable. No, I need to live for the now. I refuse to ruin the "now" for fear of the "what will be". I will concentrate in strengthening my soul for somehow I must survive. I need to survive for my daughter, for my husband and my sister.
Oh, how can I live a life without you?
No, I need to live for the now.
Life indeed is not fair. Life was never supposed to be so. Sometimes it is true that we reap what we sow but it is not always the case. Sometimes those lucky bastards get away with things the easy way, and other times they get what they deserve and more. Sometimes our good deeds go unappreciated and unnoticed yet, there are also times when praises are thrown our way with the least amount of effort. Life's trials are there not to punish us, they are there for a purpose...either to strengthen us, unite us with our loved ones, bring about a realization, teach us or the people around us life's lesson/s...the options are endless. But never must we doubt God, nor blame Him for being unfair. If life were fair, we'd probably all look the same, think the same, behave in the same manner, and born under the exact same circumstances.
How can I explain to you? How can I make you believe? How can I help you rest your doubts? Don't give up on me now, not now when we need to be strong...not now when all we have left is each other.
Lord, I lift up my life to you. I am afraid to look into the future for there is so much darkness. I am afraid of the sorrow. I am afraid of the emptiness. They are so familiar, unwelcome yet inevitable. No, I need to live for the now. I refuse to ruin the "now" for fear of the "what will be". I will concentrate in strengthening my soul for somehow I must survive. I need to survive for my daughter, for my husband and my sister.
Oh, how can I live a life without you?
No, I need to live for the now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A dash to the beginning
Two months, and I am so nearing the beginning of something new. I'm almost to the finish line. So close, I could almost touch the ribbon to victory. There is not one day that passes that I do not think of you. I know now that for the rest of my life, I will be doing the same.
Every day I awaken in a panic, thinking of what else I may have forgotten. Your tie-sides and diapers, caps and mittens, feeding bottles and sterilizer, blankets and towels, crib and mobile... Your room has been painted months ago in bright yellow. Toys have been waiting for you decoratively on top of newly refurbished cabinets and shelves. The old carpets have been thrown out, and in place are clean and shiny granite tiles. Blankets sewn in varying colors... A lot of effort have been put in, by people filled with so much excitement and love... But really, however does one prepare enough for a miracle? All I can hope for is for you to one day look up at me and smile, telling me -- "You did good, mom."
It blows me out of my mind to think of the future. In just two more months, I will be carrying you in my arms! All these unpleasant thoughts running through my mind will soon be forgotten. For nine months, our lives have been put to a halt. It's like living and walking about with our breathes held....in two more months, we resume breathing...we resume living.
Only now we live in a different beginning.
Every day I awaken in a panic, thinking of what else I may have forgotten. Your tie-sides and diapers, caps and mittens, feeding bottles and sterilizer, blankets and towels, crib and mobile... Your room has been painted months ago in bright yellow. Toys have been waiting for you decoratively on top of newly refurbished cabinets and shelves. The old carpets have been thrown out, and in place are clean and shiny granite tiles. Blankets sewn in varying colors... A lot of effort have been put in, by people filled with so much excitement and love... But really, however does one prepare enough for a miracle? All I can hope for is for you to one day look up at me and smile, telling me -- "You did good, mom."
It blows me out of my mind to think of the future. In just two more months, I will be carrying you in my arms! All these unpleasant thoughts running through my mind will soon be forgotten. For nine months, our lives have been put to a halt. It's like living and walking about with our breathes held....in two more months, we resume breathing...we resume living.
Only now we live in a different beginning.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Joyful changes
1. Eating 3 full meals everyday, sometimes more, without being too conscious about weight.
2. Eating rice, bread, cereal (carbo overload ito! hehehe) with each meal yet, for some miraculous reason, not seem to gain as much weight as I would have in my usual unpregnant state.
3. No more sugary sweets for me....well, too much that is...huhuhu You know scientific studies have shown that pregnant mommies who indulged in a little chocolate once in while have shown that their babies smiled and laughed more than those who completely deprived themselves. See, pwede kaya!
4. No more junk foods! huhuhu This one's really necessary, unless gusto mo manasin ka nang bonggang bongga.
5. Never used to pee so much. I used to pee max of 4x a day. Now, I am leaking pee, literally!
6. I have drank half the water in La Mesa Dam. Peed, 1/4 of it, and retained the rest in my body. If you pinched me, I'd leak water....from somewhere....hehehehe =)
7. For the first time in my life, I take pride in watching my belly grow bigger each day. Perlas na bilog, wag tutulog-tulog...sabihin sa akin kung boy o girl ka! hehehe...
8. Does it ever happen to you when you brush your teeth and the toothpaste suds would fall on your shirt and stain it white? Well it always happened to me then, but it used to fall on my breasts, now it falls directly on my tummy!!! It seems my tummy has grown bigger than my boobs! Waaaah! How unsexy!
9. When I bend down, I cannot see my ..... (let's just say, not my feet!!! hahahaha)
10. I have not had a good night's sleep since forever! I can never get into the right position, or if I do, I am plagued with these weird, nonsensical dreams.
Most important of all, I have never felt sexier! hahahaha...oooh la la...bwahahahaha =)
2. Eating rice, bread, cereal (carbo overload ito! hehehe) with each meal yet, for some miraculous reason, not seem to gain as much weight as I would have in my usual unpregnant state.
3. No more sugary sweets for me....well, too much that is...huhuhu You know scientific studies have shown that pregnant mommies who indulged in a little chocolate once in while have shown that their babies smiled and laughed more than those who completely deprived themselves. See, pwede kaya!
4. No more junk foods! huhuhu This one's really necessary, unless gusto mo manasin ka nang bonggang bongga.
5. Never used to pee so much. I used to pee max of 4x a day. Now, I am leaking pee, literally!
6. I have drank half the water in La Mesa Dam. Peed, 1/4 of it, and retained the rest in my body. If you pinched me, I'd leak water....from somewhere....hehehehe =)
7. For the first time in my life, I take pride in watching my belly grow bigger each day. Perlas na bilog, wag tutulog-tulog...sabihin sa akin kung boy o girl ka! hehehe...
8. Does it ever happen to you when you brush your teeth and the toothpaste suds would fall on your shirt and stain it white? Well it always happened to me then, but it used to fall on my breasts, now it falls directly on my tummy!!! It seems my tummy has grown bigger than my boobs! Waaaah! How unsexy!
9. When I bend down, I cannot see my ..... (let's just say, not my feet!!! hahahaha)
10. I have not had a good night's sleep since forever! I can never get into the right position, or if I do, I am plagued with these weird, nonsensical dreams.
Most important of all, I have never felt sexier! hahahaha...oooh la la...bwahahahaha =)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The story of you
Possible day of conception: July 16, 2008 (Sorry, specifics are private and defiintely not meant for all audiences/readers...hehehe)
August 8, 2008:
Mommy casually informs Daddy that that day was the 36th day of her cycle (Normal cycle for Mommy is 33-35 days). Daddy gives Mommy a joking yet daring look saying: "Anong sinasabe mo?" Daring her to admit, yet again, in giving in to the hope that this month can possibly be THE month. Mommy ofcourse denies, and tells Daddy that she was merely informing him and not indicating or assuming anything.
You must understand baby that Daddy and Mommy have been through many heartbreaks (1 failed pregnancy and 2 years of waiting), and hoping has become our primary enemy and source of many of our previous disappointments. Because of this, we have become averse to it...well outwardly that is. In our hearts we both knew that with each month that passed, we still hoped and we still expected THE miracle to happen every time.
Every other day thereafter, Mommy will casually inform Daddy of the count in her cycle, and Daddy will reply the exact same thing. Mommy will do just the same.
August 18, 2008 @ 11 pm, 47th day in my cycle:
Daddy and Mommy were watching Evan Almighty on HBO that night. Mommy was having a bit of a headache, but still nothing out of the ordinary. Though we both denied in hoping, Daddy has forbidden Mommy to take any kind of medicine. So, Mommy had to suck it all up and try her best to live with the pain.
August 19, 2008 @ 1-6 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache has reached its ultimate peak. Drums were beginning to bang in her head. Sleep was impossible having now a complete rock band playing something nasty. Daddy was fast asleep, as usual. Mommy tried vomiting, wishing it will somehow alleviate the pressure. She vomited until she was vomiting air, still it did little help. She tried taking a bath, wondering if it was just the heat that's causing all the excruciating pain. Mommy went back to bed, closed her eyes and just prayed...prayed for silence. That night, absolutely no sleep for Mommy.
August 19, 2008 @ 6:30 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy's alarm went off. Daddy took a shower and got dressed for work. Mommy's headache was still pounding, but drowsiness from lack of sleep was beginning to creep in and little by little the pain began to subside. Daddy kissed Mommy goodbye. Mommy's headache was now controllable but she began experiencing another sensation. She felt as if she had run a mile...heart racing...banging. Mommy was very afraid.
August 19, 2008 @ 9 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache was totally gone, and her racing heart has returned to normal. Mommy had to immediately consult with a friend, and so she went online and chatted with one of her dearest friends-Kat Lee. Mommy was very alarmed! Her period was incredible late, she was having headaches from hell, and experiencing sudden episodes of heart palpitations. If Mommy was not pregnant, then it could just mean that her body has gone haywire (hormones have completely gone astray plus a possible heart condition). Perhaps, her symptoms would merit her an immediate visit to a doctor, which in Shanghai is not an easy feat. Kat advised Mommy to take a pregnancy test, afterall Mommy did brought 3 kits with her from home (Phil). At that point, Mommy knew she had no choice but to finally face facts. It's either she was indeed pregnant or she was incredibly sick and in trouble.
August 19, 2008 @ 10 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy took courage, prayed, and finally took the pregnancy test. It was difficult to look at the strip and wait for the lines to appear. Mommy have had so many disappointing moments with a dozen other strips in the past. When Mommy saw the two pink lines, tears sprang to her eyes, and there was just so much prayer and thanksgiving. Ofcourse, Mommy told Kat her great news, and she was also overjoyed.
Note: When Kat first became pregnant and found out about it, Mommy was also one of the first persons she told and even showed her strip to. We were in a cubicle in the office comfort room, both of us crying in joy.
August 19, 2008 @ 4:30 pm, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy came home early from work because he knew Mommy was sick and not feeling well. But before he reached home, Mommy had already pinned a note on the door saying "Bibi, uuwi na ba ako?" with my test strip taped on the piece of paper. When Daddy managed to open the door he was hysterical and almost unbelieving. When the news finally sunk in, Daddy hugged Mommy, we danced and cried at the same time. Even though Daddy and Mommy promised each other that we will not tell anybody the news except our families, Daddy could not help himself and immediately told the news to his office assistant. I think we had cheezy crust pizza that night!
August 28, 2008 @ 4:00 pm, 7 weeks on the way:
Daddy and Mommy arrived home (Phil.) very early that morning and that same afternoon we saw you for the very first time. You were perfect!
To the readers: Sorry for the crudeness in my writing, I have been meaning to write these events down for so long and I just have to finally do it, otherwise risk forgetting the dates and specifics of the events. None of my usual drama here, just plain narration. hehehe =)
August 8, 2008:
Mommy casually informs Daddy that that day was the 36th day of her cycle (Normal cycle for Mommy is 33-35 days). Daddy gives Mommy a joking yet daring look saying: "Anong sinasabe mo?" Daring her to admit, yet again, in giving in to the hope that this month can possibly be THE month. Mommy ofcourse denies, and tells Daddy that she was merely informing him and not indicating or assuming anything.
You must understand baby that Daddy and Mommy have been through many heartbreaks (1 failed pregnancy and 2 years of waiting), and hoping has become our primary enemy and source of many of our previous disappointments. Because of this, we have become averse to it...well outwardly that is. In our hearts we both knew that with each month that passed, we still hoped and we still expected THE miracle to happen every time.
Every other day thereafter, Mommy will casually inform Daddy of the count in her cycle, and Daddy will reply the exact same thing. Mommy will do just the same.
August 18, 2008 @ 11 pm, 47th day in my cycle:
Daddy and Mommy were watching Evan Almighty on HBO that night. Mommy was having a bit of a headache, but still nothing out of the ordinary. Though we both denied in hoping, Daddy has forbidden Mommy to take any kind of medicine. So, Mommy had to suck it all up and try her best to live with the pain.
August 19, 2008 @ 1-6 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache has reached its ultimate peak. Drums were beginning to bang in her head. Sleep was impossible having now a complete rock band playing something nasty. Daddy was fast asleep, as usual. Mommy tried vomiting, wishing it will somehow alleviate the pressure. She vomited until she was vomiting air, still it did little help. She tried taking a bath, wondering if it was just the heat that's causing all the excruciating pain. Mommy went back to bed, closed her eyes and just prayed...prayed for silence. That night, absolutely no sleep for Mommy.
August 19, 2008 @ 6:30 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy's alarm went off. Daddy took a shower and got dressed for work. Mommy's headache was still pounding, but drowsiness from lack of sleep was beginning to creep in and little by little the pain began to subside. Daddy kissed Mommy goodbye. Mommy's headache was now controllable but she began experiencing another sensation. She felt as if she had run a mile...heart racing...banging. Mommy was very afraid.
August 19, 2008 @ 9 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache was totally gone, and her racing heart has returned to normal. Mommy had to immediately consult with a friend, and so she went online and chatted with one of her dearest friends-Kat Lee. Mommy was very alarmed! Her period was incredible late, she was having headaches from hell, and experiencing sudden episodes of heart palpitations. If Mommy was not pregnant, then it could just mean that her body has gone haywire (hormones have completely gone astray plus a possible heart condition). Perhaps, her symptoms would merit her an immediate visit to a doctor, which in Shanghai is not an easy feat. Kat advised Mommy to take a pregnancy test, afterall Mommy did brought 3 kits with her from home (Phil). At that point, Mommy knew she had no choice but to finally face facts. It's either she was indeed pregnant or she was incredibly sick and in trouble.
August 19, 2008 @ 10 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy took courage, prayed, and finally took the pregnancy test. It was difficult to look at the strip and wait for the lines to appear. Mommy have had so many disappointing moments with a dozen other strips in the past. When Mommy saw the two pink lines, tears sprang to her eyes, and there was just so much prayer and thanksgiving. Ofcourse, Mommy told Kat her great news, and she was also overjoyed.
Note: When Kat first became pregnant and found out about it, Mommy was also one of the first persons she told and even showed her strip to. We were in a cubicle in the office comfort room, both of us crying in joy.
August 19, 2008 @ 4:30 pm, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy came home early from work because he knew Mommy was sick and not feeling well. But before he reached home, Mommy had already pinned a note on the door saying "Bibi, uuwi na ba ako?" with my test strip taped on the piece of paper. When Daddy managed to open the door he was hysterical and almost unbelieving. When the news finally sunk in, Daddy hugged Mommy, we danced and cried at the same time. Even though Daddy and Mommy promised each other that we will not tell anybody the news except our families, Daddy could not help himself and immediately told the news to his office assistant. I think we had cheezy crust pizza that night!
August 28, 2008 @ 4:00 pm, 7 weeks on the way:
Daddy and Mommy arrived home (Phil.) very early that morning and that same afternoon we saw you for the very first time. You were perfect!
To the readers: Sorry for the crudeness in my writing, I have been meaning to write these events down for so long and I just have to finally do it, otherwise risk forgetting the dates and specifics of the events. None of my usual drama here, just plain narration. hehehe =)
Friday, November 07, 2008
Thursday, November 06, 2008
A book I once read said...
A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. Both emotions we feel towards someone we obviously care intensely about to love so much or to hate so much. Lately, in my current state of abandonment, I am beginning to think that what the author said is true. Is it really possible to love a person so much that your love becomes to uncontrollable that it transcends to hatred?
I am ashamed to admit that though I have been so generously blessed by God, I am harboring a brewing hatred in my heart. Everyday I try to deny it and try to subdue it, hoping that I can somehow hide the feeling from my child. I pray hard at night seeking for comfort, for God to take away my pain and leave me with nothing else but pure joy for the miracle I have been given. I am so filled with shame for feeling anything other than gratefulness...but God knows...and I know.
I was watching Desperate Housewives earlier this evening and a scene towards the end of the show made me cry with a startling realization. Bree and Orson were having a fight. It was brought on by Orson's insecurity over Bree's smashing success. Everybody envied Bree, because she had everything -- she was a celebrity, not to mention named Business Woman of the Year. But nobody knew that despite all the glitz and glamor, at night, Bree slept in a bed by herself, her husband choosing to sleep in a guest room than sleep with her in their king-sized bed. To appease Orson's depleted ego, Bree gave him a chef's hat...silently saying that her success is very much his own. And Orson, with his ego obviously reinforced, climbs back into Bree's bed and hugs his wife warmly.
In a way, I am very much like Bree. I should be at the top of the world. I have everything I could ever want...every night I pray to God and tell Him that I am content. But just like Bree, every night I go to sleep in my bed...alone. Nothing but my tears and my loneliness to lull me to sleep. Seeing Orson climb back into Bree's bed made me realize how much I miss having someone. It made me realize that each day that passes my loneliness is being transformed into hatred. Yes, I am narrow-minded and self-centered...give me a break, I am pregnant am I not?
In the same way and the same intensity that I love you, I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you because I have to sleep alone in bed at night. I hate you for robbing me of my excitement. I hate you for not sharing and being witness to some of the most important moments in my life and in our child's. I hate you for making me feel this way, when all I should be feeling now is joy. I hate you for making me feel so guilty. I hate you for not making me feel as special as other husbands make their pregnant wives feel. I hate you for all the things that I am missing. I hate you for leaving me only half alive. I hate you for making this time in our lives seem not as perfect as it ought to be.
I hate you for not being able to climb into our bed and put your arms around me to make all my hate and loneliness to go away...
You ask me why I need to justify the reasons why we are apart? It is because I have to convince myself every single day that all these sacrifice is for some greater good. I need to believe that the costs are less than the benefits. It is because I need to find reasons not to hate you.
A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. I have never hated anyone in my life. Yet now the person I most love is the person I hate most.
I am ashamed to admit that though I have been so generously blessed by God, I am harboring a brewing hatred in my heart. Everyday I try to deny it and try to subdue it, hoping that I can somehow hide the feeling from my child. I pray hard at night seeking for comfort, for God to take away my pain and leave me with nothing else but pure joy for the miracle I have been given. I am so filled with shame for feeling anything other than gratefulness...but God knows...and I know.
I was watching Desperate Housewives earlier this evening and a scene towards the end of the show made me cry with a startling realization. Bree and Orson were having a fight. It was brought on by Orson's insecurity over Bree's smashing success. Everybody envied Bree, because she had everything -- she was a celebrity, not to mention named Business Woman of the Year. But nobody knew that despite all the glitz and glamor, at night, Bree slept in a bed by herself, her husband choosing to sleep in a guest room than sleep with her in their king-sized bed. To appease Orson's depleted ego, Bree gave him a chef's hat...silently saying that her success is very much his own. And Orson, with his ego obviously reinforced, climbs back into Bree's bed and hugs his wife warmly.
In a way, I am very much like Bree. I should be at the top of the world. I have everything I could ever want...every night I pray to God and tell Him that I am content. But just like Bree, every night I go to sleep in my bed...alone. Nothing but my tears and my loneliness to lull me to sleep. Seeing Orson climb back into Bree's bed made me realize how much I miss having someone. It made me realize that each day that passes my loneliness is being transformed into hatred. Yes, I am narrow-minded and self-centered...give me a break, I am pregnant am I not?
In the same way and the same intensity that I love you, I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you because I have to sleep alone in bed at night. I hate you for robbing me of my excitement. I hate you for not sharing and being witness to some of the most important moments in my life and in our child's. I hate you for making me feel this way, when all I should be feeling now is joy. I hate you for making me feel so guilty. I hate you for not making me feel as special as other husbands make their pregnant wives feel. I hate you for all the things that I am missing. I hate you for leaving me only half alive. I hate you for making this time in our lives seem not as perfect as it ought to be.
I hate you for not being able to climb into our bed and put your arms around me to make all my hate and loneliness to go away...
You ask me why I need to justify the reasons why we are apart? It is because I have to convince myself every single day that all these sacrifice is for some greater good. I need to believe that the costs are less than the benefits. It is because I need to find reasons not to hate you.
A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. I have never hated anyone in my life. Yet now the person I most love is the person I hate most.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The million things I miss and reasons why I love you so
- I miss eating Jollibee corned beef breakfast meals with you! As you drive me to work every morning while listening to Chico and Del's Morning Rush on the radio, we never fail to drive through Jollibee to each buy our very own corned beef breakfast meal. I would feed you while you drive, and...well I feed myself. =) Yum yum ...
- I miss taking baths with you. Remember our water fights? I've been practicing with no water heater at all. So no matter how cold the water is, I am ready! Bring it on! hahaha... How about you?
- I miss our pancit canton meals...3-4 packs of pancit canton calamansi with 2 eggs! Solb!
- I miss you cooking me breakfast every weekends. Menu: rice, scrambled eggs, corned beef, and hotdogs. This is the icing to my weekends!
- I miss spending the entire day with you in our condo watching movie marathons or playing Halo/Rainbow Six...we do this without rest and with absolutely no bath!!! For food? Why that's why Sicilian Pizza is so close to our unit! Yum yum again ...
- I miss you packing my laptop bag for me every morning as I ready myself for work.
- I miss you charging my gadgets for me 'coz I never did have the patience or enough sense of responsibility to remember doing it for myself.
- I miss cooking for you and packing breakfast and lunch for you every day.
- I miss your farts and your barfs...both odorless and stinky.
- I miss watching Ginebra games with you, whether be it live or on tv. What are the odds of me finding someone as fanatic and as loyal as I am! Though I must say...you are sometimes a disgrace to the Ginebra race. When we are losing we do not close our eyes or change the channel! We watch head on with hope until the very last second. Never say die!!!
- I miss watching movies with you on their first showing day!
- I miss going to the supermarket with you...me filling our cart and you taking them all back!
- I miss us sleeping on the floor in the sala, just because I sleep better there and you do it anyway even though you wake up with a stiff back and neck.
- I miss you staying awake with me until the wee hours of the night and sometimes even through the following day as I panic to finish my work, just so you can show me your support.
- I miss packing your luggages for you, folding your shirts carefully. I miss reminding you each time, giving you a rundown of the things you may forget.
- I miss playing golf with you, with me feeling like a pro for having had only a few lessons to my belt while you having years. I'll always remember the time when we were stranded in the cart being soaked all over while the wind blew hard and the lightnings raged on. Adik!
- I miss you trying to carry me, though we both know I am too heavy for you! You still try though...
- I miss hug-dancing with you, with me stepping on your feet.
- I miss us driving to Tagaytay for no reason at all...well perhaps just to have coffee or dinner at Pancake House. hehehe...
- I miss our long trips to Baguio or Pagudpud. I would try my best to stay awake (try lang naman eh) to keep you company and most importantly AWAKE!
- I miss accompanying you to buy your clothes. I always pick the best clothes for you! If I left the picking to you, all your clothes would look the same and BLUE!
- I miss you making me iced tea...from the many Lipton tea bags I snatched from the office pantry (shhhh...)
- I miss you sexy dancing to me to cheer me up when I am so down.
- I miss our intimate adventures...some will make interesting stories to tell our children, that is when they are old enough. At least we can proudly say that we've almost done it all! hahahaha...
- I miss having to tell you..."bibi, utot ka ng utot", "tumae ka kc!", "don't talk bibi...close ur mouth", "Magtutbrush ka kc!" and "labhan mo naman brip mo!" hehehehe...
- I miss and appreciate it a lot when you call before you go home each day to ask me what I need or what food I want to eat.
- I miss trying to out-think and out-reason you in everything. "Loser!"
- I miss going to the arcade with you. Just remember one thing...I scored higher when we finally completed Time Crisis 4!!! Loser!
- I miss you washing the dishes after I cook. You are master of the Joy dishwashing liquid! hehehehe...
- I miss sleeping next to you. There just seems to be no reason to be afraid when you are next to me. I am safe and protected.
- I miss the overpowering smell of your perfume. I absolutely do not know what is wrong with your smelling powers when you have got such a big nose! You do not have to bathe yourself with your perfume!
- I miss hearing you snore, no matter how hard you deny it...I will get my evidence!
- I miss saying how much I love you, and hearing you tell me you love me too. (well, face to face that is...kc we still do pro over the net is just not the same)
- I miss being with you...doing whatever, wherever.
- I miss loving you and taking care of you.
- I miss you, PERIOD!
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