Korona ng Patay

So this incredibly enormous arrangement of flower arrived today (Feb. 17). It is supposed to be the gift I earned from making a drama out of and begging my husband for a little of his precious attention and affection on the supposed day of love. In short, it’s my post valentine gift of consolation. Truth is, I already had a feeling that he'd make his great gesture today afterall, I have been crying and begging for days. I absolutely have no idea what he thinks he'd earn or resolve by sending me these flowers. Actually when I saw them, the first thing that came to my mind was... "Oh no, magkano na naman ginastos nya para sa mga yan!" The second, "Ang laki naman nyan, parang korona ng patay!" It's not that I don't like flowers but, the thing is, it was not what I was asking for. Why are men’s skulls so thick that it's so damn hard to get through to them? Are they really that stupid, or are they just pretending to be so?

Myke and I did agree not to spend during this Valentines Day, as we need to save as much as we can as part of our preparation for our baby's delivery. We said we'd just give each other cards on love day, and that would be it. But I felt guilty because I was not able to mail his card. All I had was a scanned copy of the card I had promised. So I thought, how can I not do something for him on a day when everybody else is celebrating love while he'd be alone in a foreign land (in Vietnam on a business trip) with only himself to celebrate with? So yes, I did spend a little. I sent him a simple bouquet of roses...but that was not my great gesture. If it were so, I would have sent him the most expensive and most beautiful bouquet they had. What I had hoped he'd appreciate was the spontaneity of the act and the effort I exerted in ordering and in finding out the address that he'd be at at that specific day and time. I regretted making the effort as soon as it arrived, for he received it as he would any letter of no significance whatsoever. "They are flowers. They are red. I have put them in a vase. Thank you." That was all. Next thing I knew he was off on a lunch meeting, dinner in a bar owned by some COO (Child Of Owner), then the following day, playing golf on a not so expensive fairway (for pleasure, ofcourse).

Yes, I am selfish because I expected to receive something in return. Ofcourse, never in a million years would I have expected to receive this “korona ng patay” of an arrangement. If I had expected to receive flowers in return, then I would have just told him not to bother…quits na lang! What I wanted from him does not even have a price tag on it. I wanted to feel that he appreciated my gesture. I wanted to feel that he cherished my gift. I wanted him to repay me with his time and sweet words of love. I wanted him to ask me how my day went, and to comfort me and reassure me that I am not alone and that everything will be alright. I wanted him to ask how our baby has grown, and how active she has been. None of that ever came, not even the card we promised each other. And so, I spent love day more alone than he was while I was at home and he was in a foreign land on business trip.

I have been crying for days now. The card he promised finally arrived with this expensive and enormous gift of shame. As expected, the card didn’t say much of anything other than the message originally printed on it. It says: “This card says everything I want to say.” I don’t even know what these flowers mean. They are beautiful but meaningless. I bet he just asked his secretary to order them and have it delivered here (a fact which I confirmed today). He does not even have a clue what on earth he sent to me. Where is the effort in that? I am pissed and disappointed. I can’t believe I was once so proud of the love he and I share. It was a fallacy, a figment of my imagination, an illusion that I made up in my mind, a dream that I made so perfect.

My mother is right. Life is unfair. I wake up every day to a father who is growing weaker each day that passes, to a mother who tries her best to comfort a husband who has been by her side for the last 52 years, a sister who has abandoned all roads to forgiveness, and a husband who is out of sight…and, just recently I find out, also out of love. Everything is falling apart in my life. Somehow I need to stop the tears from falling. Does my baby cry with me? Does my baby hear my heart break? Oh God, why is life so full of drama!

I sleep and wish for time to fly. Life is cruel, for there is no sleep. Even sleep has abandoned me, an open-heart surgery without anesthetics. I close my eyes and cry, wishing the excruciating pain would send me into the oblivion of numbness.