A book I once read said...

A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. Both emotions we feel towards someone we obviously care intensely about to love so much or to hate so much. Lately, in my current state of abandonment, I am beginning to think that what the author said is true. Is it really possible to love a person so much that your love becomes to uncontrollable that it transcends to hatred?

I am ashamed to admit that though I have been so generously blessed by God, I am harboring a brewing hatred in my heart. Everyday I try to deny it and try to subdue it, hoping that I can somehow hide the feeling from my child. I pray hard at night seeking for comfort, for God to take away my pain and leave me with nothing else but pure joy for the miracle I have been given. I am so filled with shame for feeling anything other than gratefulness...but God knows...and I know.

I was watching Desperate Housewives earlier this evening and a scene towards the end of the show made me cry with a startling realization. Bree and Orson were having a fight. It was brought on by Orson's insecurity over Bree's smashing success. Everybody envied Bree, because she had everything -- she was a celebrity, not to mention named Business Woman of the Year. But nobody knew that despite all the glitz and glamor, at night, Bree slept in a bed by herself, her husband choosing to sleep in a guest room than sleep with her in their king-sized bed. To appease Orson's depleted ego, Bree gave him a chef's hat...silently saying that her success is very much his own. And Orson, with his ego obviously reinforced, climbs back into Bree's bed and hugs his wife warmly.

In a way, I am very much like Bree. I should be at the top of the world. I have everything I could ever want...every night I pray to God and tell Him that I am content. But just like Bree, every night I go to sleep in my bed...alone. Nothing but my tears and my loneliness to lull me to sleep. Seeing Orson climb back into Bree's bed made me realize how much I miss having someone. It made me realize that each day that passes my loneliness is being transformed into hatred. Yes, I am narrow-minded and self-centered...give me a break, I am pregnant am I not?
In the same way and the same intensity that I love you, I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you because I have to sleep alone in bed at night. I hate you for robbing me of my excitement. I hate you for not sharing and being witness to some of the most important moments in my life and in our child's. I hate you for making me feel this way, when all I should be feeling now is joy. I hate you for making me feel so guilty. I hate you for not making me feel as special as other husbands make their pregnant wives feel. I hate you for all the things that I am missing. I hate you for leaving me only half alive. I hate you for making this time in our lives seem not as perfect as it ought to be.

I hate you for not being able to climb into our bed and put your arms around me to make all my hate and loneliness to go away...

You ask me why I need to justify the reasons why we are apart? It is because I have to convince myself every single day that all these sacrifice is for some greater good. I need to believe that the costs are less than the benefits. It is because I need to find reasons not to hate you.

A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. I have never hated anyone in my life. Yet now the person I most love is the person I hate most.