Friday, September 29, 2006
I wonder what goes though their minds. . .
For the first time in a long time, I took the bus going home. I’ve always valued my long trips . . . going anywhere. Living so far away from everything, it gets so frustrating. But it’s always during those long trips that I find myself. To think and look back on my life, on everything I’ve been through, to remember all the people who I’ve missed, and plan the life I have ahead.
Today, I wondered about the people who die young. I’m one of those foolish few who do not fear death. Perhaps I am indeed disillusioned, but it’s the way I am. . . it’s who I am. What runs through the minds of people who are about to die? Can they feel their death? Do they feel fear? Will I die young? Will I always travel the longest, even in life?
Thinking about death always makes me look back on the few things I regret. Being a believer of God’s plan, there is no decision I’ve made that I regret. . . My husband and I just recently went into a fun debate on how to distinguish man’s free-will and God’s plan. My husband believes in both, as do I. But the tricky part in the analogy, I think, is defining the boundary between free-will and God’s plan. How will you explain it? I had to take a bath before I can finally figure it out.
Man’s free-will and God’s plan is best distinguished by liking life to a free-way road. Like life, everything rushes through the free-way. The most disastrous road accidents happen on the freeway, just like life. We are the drivers, our decisions are the vehicles. Driving on this long wide road of life, I get to make the decision to stop, to go back, to move to the lane on the right, or move back to the left lane. Ofcourse, people who stop and/or go back do not go far in life. They learn little, they don’t grow much. People who drive so fast, they are bound to either cause or get into accidents. These accidents often affect other drivers on the road, so do our decisions. Where does God’s plan fit in all these? Don’t you forget, God is always the designer, the mastermind. He is the great engineer who built the great road of life. On this road, there are curves and turns – directions on the road where we are only faced with the decision either to move forward (to follow the curve/turn), to come to a halt, or to move backwards. This is how I can best explain God’s plan. In life, when we come across situations where we are left with no choice but accept, these are the curves of life God designed for us. They were not placed there to hurt us, rather they were intentionally and uniquely planned for each one of us -- for us to learn.
I used to tell this story about my childhood to my husband that he always found so peculiar. When I was still a child and learning how to ride a bicycle, I’d ride my bike in circles around our garage, only I place little obstacles along the way – a thick piece of wood, a fallen branch, a broomstick. . . anything I can find that can act as a hump, a bump, a hole on the road. For some reason or another, just going around in circles with nothing but a smooth road did not give me as much satisfaction as successfully going through my fake obstacles. Weird, I know.
Speaking about weird. I’m not sure if this is even related, but my husband find this fact about me funny and equally as peculiar as the “hump” thing. How do you eat cake? Do you eat it cutting through the piece vertically, cutting a small portion of each layer of cake and icing? I guess most people eat cake the same way. I don’t. I eat cake, layer by layer. I start from the bottom. . . usually with the least amount of icing, making my way layer per layer of cake and icing to the top, where the thickest and the most delicious toppings are. Saving the best for last, I always tell him. He would just laugh at me, like I’m an alien from some planet who painstakingly enjoys torturing oneself. I guess, I’d just rather deal with the hard stuff now, to get it over and done with. . . so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor without worry in the future. =)
Anyway, going back to my reflection on life. While I was traveling home today, I thought of two people who, at some point in my life, have caused me, or I caused them some pain. And I was happy to discover that remembering them now, I only look back with little sadness and always with some hope.
Rina, who I have been closest to since college. Until now, I honestly don’t know what went wrong between us. Thinking about her and our falling out, remembering how we used to be always brought me pain and regret. I just thought friends never give up on each other. Remembering her today, I just hope one day she’ll learn to forgive me, for whatever reason and for whatever I did to hurt her. If I die now and if somehow this reaches you, know that I have forgiven you and will always remember you as Rina, my dearest friend who had the weirdest type in men (extremely intelligent, balding and should definitely have a visayan accent), my dearest friend who’d pay thousands to watch a Westlife concert, my dearest friend who wanted nothing more than to live in London and develop a British accent. If by chance you do read this and you are now living in London, I don’t mind if you do decide taking me there, afterall you did promise me. Hehehe =)
Diane, who I have been closest to since highschool. God knows my intentions were pure, and every action I took was only to protect her. But her anger is understandable and completely acceptable. I guess when I decided to do what I did, I knew I will lose her. I just didn’t expect I’d lose so much more. Looking back, perhaps my decision was not the best choice, or perhaps it just made things worse for her. But there was no way I could have predicted things, any true friend would not have stood by and watch. I just can’t bring myself to stand by and watch you, Diane. I am sorry. If I die now, know that will always hold you and your family close to my heart.
Actually, I also thought about my father. Our story has already been told and a reconciliation has been issued. I love you always and forever. No matter what you do or say my love will never waver. If I die now, know this.
I’m still not sure what runs through the mind of those who die young, or those who are about to encounter death, but if I die now. . . I die with no regret, and absolutely no fear.
Today, I wondered about the people who die young. I’m one of those foolish few who do not fear death. Perhaps I am indeed disillusioned, but it’s the way I am. . . it’s who I am. What runs through the minds of people who are about to die? Can they feel their death? Do they feel fear? Will I die young? Will I always travel the longest, even in life?
Thinking about death always makes me look back on the few things I regret. Being a believer of God’s plan, there is no decision I’ve made that I regret. . . My husband and I just recently went into a fun debate on how to distinguish man’s free-will and God’s plan. My husband believes in both, as do I. But the tricky part in the analogy, I think, is defining the boundary between free-will and God’s plan. How will you explain it? I had to take a bath before I can finally figure it out.
Man’s free-will and God’s plan is best distinguished by liking life to a free-way road. Like life, everything rushes through the free-way. The most disastrous road accidents happen on the freeway, just like life. We are the drivers, our decisions are the vehicles. Driving on this long wide road of life, I get to make the decision to stop, to go back, to move to the lane on the right, or move back to the left lane. Ofcourse, people who stop and/or go back do not go far in life. They learn little, they don’t grow much. People who drive so fast, they are bound to either cause or get into accidents. These accidents often affect other drivers on the road, so do our decisions. Where does God’s plan fit in all these? Don’t you forget, God is always the designer, the mastermind. He is the great engineer who built the great road of life. On this road, there are curves and turns – directions on the road where we are only faced with the decision either to move forward (to follow the curve/turn), to come to a halt, or to move backwards. This is how I can best explain God’s plan. In life, when we come across situations where we are left with no choice but accept, these are the curves of life God designed for us. They were not placed there to hurt us, rather they were intentionally and uniquely planned for each one of us -- for us to learn.
I used to tell this story about my childhood to my husband that he always found so peculiar. When I was still a child and learning how to ride a bicycle, I’d ride my bike in circles around our garage, only I place little obstacles along the way – a thick piece of wood, a fallen branch, a broomstick. . . anything I can find that can act as a hump, a bump, a hole on the road. For some reason or another, just going around in circles with nothing but a smooth road did not give me as much satisfaction as successfully going through my fake obstacles. Weird, I know.
Speaking about weird. I’m not sure if this is even related, but my husband find this fact about me funny and equally as peculiar as the “hump” thing. How do you eat cake? Do you eat it cutting through the piece vertically, cutting a small portion of each layer of cake and icing? I guess most people eat cake the same way. I don’t. I eat cake, layer by layer. I start from the bottom. . . usually with the least amount of icing, making my way layer per layer of cake and icing to the top, where the thickest and the most delicious toppings are. Saving the best for last, I always tell him. He would just laugh at me, like I’m an alien from some planet who painstakingly enjoys torturing oneself. I guess, I’d just rather deal with the hard stuff now, to get it over and done with. . . so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor without worry in the future. =)
Anyway, going back to my reflection on life. While I was traveling home today, I thought of two people who, at some point in my life, have caused me, or I caused them some pain. And I was happy to discover that remembering them now, I only look back with little sadness and always with some hope.
Rina, who I have been closest to since college. Until now, I honestly don’t know what went wrong between us. Thinking about her and our falling out, remembering how we used to be always brought me pain and regret. I just thought friends never give up on each other. Remembering her today, I just hope one day she’ll learn to forgive me, for whatever reason and for whatever I did to hurt her. If I die now and if somehow this reaches you, know that I have forgiven you and will always remember you as Rina, my dearest friend who had the weirdest type in men (extremely intelligent, balding and should definitely have a visayan accent), my dearest friend who’d pay thousands to watch a Westlife concert, my dearest friend who wanted nothing more than to live in London and develop a British accent. If by chance you do read this and you are now living in London, I don’t mind if you do decide taking me there, afterall you did promise me. Hehehe =)
Diane, who I have been closest to since highschool. God knows my intentions were pure, and every action I took was only to protect her. But her anger is understandable and completely acceptable. I guess when I decided to do what I did, I knew I will lose her. I just didn’t expect I’d lose so much more. Looking back, perhaps my decision was not the best choice, or perhaps it just made things worse for her. But there was no way I could have predicted things, any true friend would not have stood by and watch. I just can’t bring myself to stand by and watch you, Diane. I am sorry. If I die now, know that will always hold you and your family close to my heart.
Actually, I also thought about my father. Our story has already been told and a reconciliation has been issued. I love you always and forever. No matter what you do or say my love will never waver. If I die now, know this.
I’m still not sure what runs through the mind of those who die young, or those who are about to encounter death, but if I die now. . . I die with no regret, and absolutely no fear.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
KOREA, Here I come!!!
Stranded. Alone. With nothing to do. How pathetic can a day be? I should be celebrating. I cannot remember a day when work was last cancelled. Yet, I am alone at home with nothing to do. Power has been gone for I don’t know how long. The sky looks fierce with anger. The wind howls with as much vigor. The picture outside is all a haze. Noting but anger. Its rage trashes everything in sight.
My love, you should be home by now. Where are you? Why have you not come? I’ve waited days for you to return. How unfortunate! Nature’s wrath, calm and be still! My baby is coming, please dry your tears.
As the rain outside washes away the memories of yesterday, a new life is unfolding. Tomorrow, I wonder what you are like. Let the flood wash away the pains of yesterday and drown out my cries and hurts. Tomorrow is a time for laughter and memories I will take to forever.
Ops, teka. . . this didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. =) All I wanted to say was. . .
I’m going to KOREA!!! KOREA!!! KOREA!!! Joo Yu Rin, here I come!!! (all this while doing my happy dance!!!)
Coming real soon!!!
. . . . hehehe. . . walang kwenta!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
In memory of those who touched my life . . .
Our Father, may everything I do begin with Your Inspiration, continue with Your Help, and reach perfection under Your Guidance. With Your loving care guide me in my daily actions. Help me to persevere with love and sincerity. Teach me to judge wisely the things of earth and to love the things of Heaven. Keep me in Your presence and never let me be separated from You. Your Spirit made me Your child, confident to call You Father. Make Your Love the foundation of my life. Teach me to long for Heaven. 
May its promise and hope guide my way on earth until I reach eternal life with You.In memory of Steve and Sui who inspire me to be a better person...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Bravo to You, Lord
I’ve always been a believer of the “divine will.” Que Cera, Cera! Whatever will be, no matter how you resist it. . . it shall be. It’s like pushing against a wall, unless you’re THE man in bright blue tights and blood red briefs. . . you’re in for a big disappointment.
My life. I always tell my husband: God may take me now, I am not afraid. I honestly don’t know if its mere naivety, or is that I simply refuse to believe that God is someone to be feared of. Why should I fear my friend? Twisted, perhaps. . . but that is who I am. That is how He made me.
As I think about it now, it all makes perfect sense to me. It’s like a million puzzle pieces falling into place, with all the sparks and magnificence of witnessing an actual miracle. What are the odds! My God! For the first time in my life, my life is perfect. Yes, there’s a thing or two I’d want, but just evaluating the things and people I have now – They’re absolutely perfect! If I could just stand still and not move. Will everything just stay as it is now? Oh, please God. . . hold still! You’ve waved Your hand and made magic, please wave it somewhere else now. Please let me bask in the happiness of Your miracle first. I have been crying for so long God. You have looked my way and blessed me. I am eternally grateful, but. . . is it ok if You could look away now and define the destiny of someone else? My God, why did make me so twisted! =)
Dear reader, don’t judge me so harshly. God knows me, we are friends. He understands how I think. He knows and He feels exactly how happy and thankful I am for all the things he has blessed me with. I am not an ingrate. A private joke between confidants, that’s all it is.
I am happy. I am excited. I am free. Thank you God, for not forgetting me!
My life. I always tell my husband: God may take me now, I am not afraid. I honestly don’t know if its mere naivety, or is that I simply refuse to believe that God is someone to be feared of. Why should I fear my friend? Twisted, perhaps. . . but that is who I am. That is how He made me.
As I think about it now, it all makes perfect sense to me. It’s like a million puzzle pieces falling into place, with all the sparks and magnificence of witnessing an actual miracle. What are the odds! My God! For the first time in my life, my life is perfect. Yes, there’s a thing or two I’d want, but just evaluating the things and people I have now – They’re absolutely perfect! If I could just stand still and not move. Will everything just stay as it is now? Oh, please God. . . hold still! You’ve waved Your hand and made magic, please wave it somewhere else now. Please let me bask in the happiness of Your miracle first. I have been crying for so long God. You have looked my way and blessed me. I am eternally grateful, but. . . is it ok if You could look away now and define the destiny of someone else? My God, why did make me so twisted! =)
Dear reader, don’t judge me so harshly. God knows me, we are friends. He understands how I think. He knows and He feels exactly how happy and thankful I am for all the things he has blessed me with. I am not an ingrate. A private joke between confidants, that’s all it is.
I am happy. I am excited. I am free. Thank you God, for not forgetting me!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Without thought
Should I go or not go. Should I go now, or should I wait? Should I take the risk? Is it worth risking? Is there a risk? Am I overreacting? Do we really want this now, or is it only me who wants this as badly? If I wait and take my chances, what are the odds of it being successful? Oh, I don't want to go through it again! Look at them, they have travelled farther than I. Should I want what they have? Should I explore and pursue what I can be? Should I do it now, can I do it later? Will have the same chances I have then? What will they think if I go? Will they think me a coward? Am I just afraid? Am I doing this for myself? Oh! I want to do this for us. How can I know? What should I do? I want to take them away, to make a memory before they leave. Can I afford it now? Will I ever afford it? When I am able, will they be here? How long can they wait? I want to give him something special? What can I get him this year? What does he want? What will mean to him most? Can I afford it? Will I make it? I need to save! God knows the rainy days are coming. Will it be enough? Can we have our family and still be able to take them away? It says I have to complete it. Will I ever complete it? When should I go back? If I go now, can I go back while I wait? They are so wonderful, four little miracles. I want one. Do I want it now? Does God want me to have it now? Why are they treating me like this? What have I ever done to them? Am I a bad person? Do I curse them and wish them ill? Can I withstand it? Am I leaving because of them? Should I take her offer? Should I go for it? Am I qualified for it? Am I ready for another change? Should I do it now? Why can't they understand me? Am I being negative? Have I not been through enough? I am way over my head. Will I survive? Oh, why am I so twisted!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
God do not look upon me!
God do not look upon me.
If only I can make myself invisible to You. I dread the times You look upon me, remember my existence and wave your hand in command. Sometimes I lay at night crying, wishing the world will forget. . wishing I could just magically vanish into thin air and never be. Do good things happen when you remember me, Lord? Or is it when You do that things go astray. Oh, why do I think this way?
Perhaps sometimes You feel invisible to me. Do You think I forget when I don’t call? Do You think I care less when I don’t wish You goodnight? Do You think I am comforted more by their words of comfort and pity? Do You wish sometimes I too would look upon You and remember?
Oh God and my twisted sense of understanding!
I know You. I remember. There is no sense in hiding, for you are in me. I do not need my attendance acknowledged in church, for I know You are aware of me, as I am You. I can feel your touch, when I cry. I can see Your face in the eyes of all I love. You wave Your hand not for me to remember. Not because You believe I have forgotten. You look at me with Your proud eyes and shout out to the world – “She will pull through because she is mine!”
Oh, what if one day I do not make it Father? Will you turn Your back on me like my father did? Will you look at me with disgust and forget? Will you ignore me then and never look my way? I will be invisible, as I always wanted.
Invisible and be nothing!
God look upon me. Make my life matter to You and the people that surrounds me. Wave Your hand and be proud. Use me. Test me. Break me. I may not succeed all the time, but I will never give up. My life is Yours. Remember me, oh Lord.
If only I can make myself invisible to You. I dread the times You look upon me, remember my existence and wave your hand in command. Sometimes I lay at night crying, wishing the world will forget. . wishing I could just magically vanish into thin air and never be. Do good things happen when you remember me, Lord? Or is it when You do that things go astray. Oh, why do I think this way?
Perhaps sometimes You feel invisible to me. Do You think I forget when I don’t call? Do You think I care less when I don’t wish You goodnight? Do You think I am comforted more by their words of comfort and pity? Do You wish sometimes I too would look upon You and remember?
Oh God and my twisted sense of understanding!
I know You. I remember. There is no sense in hiding, for you are in me. I do not need my attendance acknowledged in church, for I know You are aware of me, as I am You. I can feel your touch, when I cry. I can see Your face in the eyes of all I love. You wave Your hand not for me to remember. Not because You believe I have forgotten. You look at me with Your proud eyes and shout out to the world – “She will pull through because she is mine!”
Oh, what if one day I do not make it Father? Will you turn Your back on me like my father did? Will you look at me with disgust and forget? Will you ignore me then and never look my way? I will be invisible, as I always wanted.
Invisible and be nothing!
God look upon me. Make my life matter to You and the people that surrounds me. Wave Your hand and be proud. Use me. Test me. Break me. I may not succeed all the time, but I will never give up. My life is Yours. Remember me, oh Lord.
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