It was you all along!

I don't want this evil inside me. Take it away oh Lord. This voice, this voice in my head. How can I make it stop? To extract it from the core of my being. To gag and bind it so tight, it has squealed its last squeal. Oh, how can I tame this evil?

I say these words, fools they all are. To know what is right, to act it. But to think it? The body is a cinch to control. Perhaps the mouth a tad harder. But the mind, its manipulative and untrue . . . maybe I'm mistaken. . . . how canny you are, to trick the mind when you are the culprit! You never missed a beat, rhythmic and even. They often say "heart of all evil", now I know why.

I swore I will beat you. I will not let you consume me, my soul, my being. I thought the mind can suppress you, but apparently I underestimated you!

How can I even be feeling this, when I have everything I ever wanted. God has touched my life, how can I be so ungrateful? I am so filled with shame. I am unworthy. But, what is this, this empty feeling, this longing? I have been so obsessed, has it finally taken its toll on me. What a price it demands! My soul? No, never!

And so, I come to you Lord. Seeking for my peace. I have lost it somewhere in the turmoil of life. I am soiled, I am ashamed. Look upon me oh Lord, but keep your distance. Don't touch me! I have been betrayed by my soul. It has harbored the sins of envy and greed. My mere presence in your house, an outrage!

Each visit has cleansed me. My treacherous heart you have filled with your love. You are like a drug oh Lord! I crave for this love, I crave for your peace. The void, the emptiness, the longing. . . it has ceased. I was mistaken all along. I didn't have everything. A greeting hear, a favor there, sometimes some thanks, not enough! It was you all along dear Lord!

It is true what the priest said. . . we tend to forget You, when we have no use for You. But my soul longed for You . . . finally some peace! I am happy and content. I feel alive again! And it's because of You.

Thank you dear Lord!

And so I embark on this journey. Excited? I guess I am! I don't know why. There is something . . . I will leave it all up to You Lord. Surprise me! =)

A reflection of what's inside

I used to love having my pictures taken. My brother used to take hundreds of pictures of me when he was still alive. Yep, probably being the youngest, with 14 years separating me from my sister, my brother adored me. He took pictures of me taken from every corner of our house. He took pictures of me during all my humiliating piano recitals. He took pictures of me during my graduation, my first holy communion, whenever I win first place in singing competitions. He was always there to capture every moment of my young life. And though he was rarely in any of those pictures, he made sure I remember that he loved me. For smiling back at me in all those pictures where I used to smile from my soul . . . was my brother.

When he left, nobody ever suspected I'd be affected by his loss. My father surely was. So was my sister. My mother tried to be strong for us, but how can she have fooled me when she cried silently every night embracing her aching legs while I watched on helplessly trying to massage the pain out of her old thin legs.

After that, there was just no reason to smile anymore. No one ever smiled back from his camera. There was nothing. Nothing but darkness and silence.

I hated myself. I hated how I looked like. I hated seeing the sadness in my face. I hated it when people discover that I was not as happy as I want them to believe. I didn't want to remember that episode in our lives. I didn't want to look back and remember the grief. I wanted to forget, to burn a big gaping hole in my memory.

But life will not be life if it were not so cruel. One never forgets. Those memories, it becomes who you are. You cannot escape from the past. You cannot burn the memories as effectively as you can burn old photographs. The memories stay, and the feeling lingers.

As I look now at the pictures my husband takes of me . . . I come to a startling realization. I am not that same sad girl anymore. There is happiness in those eyes. Depth as if thine eyes have seen immense amount of grief . . . but grieves no more. There is so much reason to smile about now. Someone I love has again taken ahold of that camera and dares me to remember. There is now a reason to remember.

How can I not smile from my soul when someone smiles back at you with so much love?

"Gantung" - for my Bebe

MELLY G. GANTUNG LYRICS

Ku harus menemui cintaku
Mencari tahu hubungan kita
Apa masih atau tlah berakhir

Reff:
Kau menggantungkan hubungan ini
Kau diamkan aku tanpa sebab
Maunya apa ku harus bagaimana
Kasih…
Sampai kapan kau gantung
Cerita cintaku memberi harapan
Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi
Dan meninggalkan dirimu

Detik-detik waktu pun terbuang
Teganya kau menggantung cintaku
Bicaralah biar semua pasti

Back to Reff

Tentunya hubungan cinta denganmu
Membuat ku sakit
Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi
Dan meninggalkan dirimu

Where is it written?

God, our merciful father,
I’m wrapped in a robe of light,
Clothed in your glory
That spreads its wings over my soul.
May I be worthy
Amen.

There’s not a morning I begin without
A thousand questions running through my mind,
That I don’t try to find the reason and the logic
In the world that God designed.
The reason why
a bird was given wings,
If not to fly and praise the sky
With every song it sings.
What’s right or wrong,
Where I belong
Within the scheme of things...
And why have eyes that see
And arms that reach
Unless you’re meant to know
There’s something more?
If not to hunger for the meaning of it all,
Then tell me what a soul is for?
Why have the wings
Unless you’re meant to fly?
And tell me please, why have a mind
If not to question why?
And tell me where-
Where is it written what it is
I’m meant to be, that I can’t dare
To have the chance to pick the fruit of every tree,
Or have my share of every sweet-imagined possibility?
Just tell me where, tell me where?
If I were only meant to tend the nest,
Then why does my imagination sail
Across the mountains and the seas,
Beyond the make-believe of any fairy tale?
Why have the thirst if not to drink the wine?
And what a waste to have a taste
Of things that can't he mine?
And tell me where, where is it written what it is
I'm meant to be, that I can't dare-
To find the meanings in the mornings that I see,
Or have my share of every sweet-imagined possibility?
Just tell me where- where is it written?
Tell me where-
Or if it's written anywhere?

Miserable Beyond Recognition

My mind is shutting down. My emotions are in turmoil. Can I be the child who sits in the corner to cower in tears. I wonder whether there is life outside this room, this apartment. Looking out it seems like a dreary colorless place, promising nothing but emptiness - just as I am. . . empty. Can I remain still until you return? Will life stop and wait for me? Can't you give me a little more understanding? Please stop! For God's sake please ... STOP!

I wonder if you are smiling. I wonder if you even remember. Do you hurt as much as I hurt?

Oh, I am so miserable beyond recognition!

My life has been touched by God!

After all the laughter and the tears

Hehehe. . . hmmm. . . I've longed to write something worth reading for a long time. However, I am far too tired to even think of a single sensible thought and hold it in my mind long enough for me to begin to explain. Now that I'm beginning to explain what I can't. . . Can you imagine just how twisted I have become?

Ok, focus! hmmm. . . . Death. There was a time in my life when I couldn't even bring myself to think about death, especially not of a loved one. I have witnessed death in my own family once, and the feeling of grief and numbness sometimes still lingers at home. Each of us, a part of us. . . died that day. Losing him was the easiest part of it all. What came after was just mere unbearable.

Death is lingering. . . If I smear my door with blood, would he spare my house this time? If we can just cower under our beds and hide, let death pass us by. . . perhaps. . . just perhaps he will forget. They always say. . . ". . if I could just hug him one last time" or "talk to him and tell him how much I love him." "If I could have been a better brother" ". . . a better daughter."

Yes, if only you could have.

I tell myself, I will never utter those words. . . I may fail in a lot of things. . . but never ever. . . and yet . . . just thinking that I will never hear her voice again. . . to not have anyone tell me how to be a good wife. . . to not have her instructing me how to cook, to not have her reminding me to save, to not have her to work hard for, to not have her to live for. If only I could have spent every minute of my life with her, just so she will never doubt, just one second, that she was anything less than. . . perfect.

They say that children do not fall far from the tree. That somehow the destiny of the children are determined by how well their parents raised them. I guess in a sense there is some truth to this, but for my own parents sake, I beg you to differ. It pains me to hear my mother saying. . . "san ba kame nagkulang?" . . . can't even find the words to describe how this breaks my heart. If only I can be the most perfect daughter, maybe . . . just maybe. . . she would think her life worthy.

I know that the day is coming. I often brush away the thought in my head, but I know it is inevitable. I know that she will pass before I do. I know this because I love her. If you have ever seen a mother lose her child, you'd know why. The grief, the pain. . . seeing her. . . its unbearable. I will hold on, and if I have only one wish to ask of God, it would be this.

Let her go before I do.

Hehehe. . . heavy! It's 1am and my eyes are bloodshot red from crying. Looks like I was able to write something long (not sure about the worth reading part!). On the brighter side of life. . . . I am going to Shanghai! That is where we'll be celebrating our 1st year Anniversary! How time flies by so quickly! Tell you about my trip in another blog. . . but I do hope I can cary a baby panda while I'm there. . . hehehe. . . if not, then I'll just eat. . . hmmm siomai? hehehe joke!

Happy Valentines!

HAPPY VALENTINES!

Whatever does it mean???

What is the meaning of life? Isn’t that the greatest mystery of being alive! In a very confused stage in my life, I once asked myself that question. I sought the answer in books, even delved into the theory of reincarnation and the afterlife, debated with philosopher wannabes in chatrooms, asked for some clues from the parallel worlds, prayed then repeatedly prayed.

Nothing.

I can easily say that life is about love. I can say life is a never ending pursuit to happiness. Life might as well be a sacrifice. Some literature claims life is a learning stage, a stage where we make ourselves almost close to perfection to be worthy companions in His kingdom. Religion says: this is it! Live and determine your fate. Whatever is the TRUTH, I still don’t know.

To tell you honestly, I have stopped looking for the TRUTH. Whatever it may be, it just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Should I go to hell for being so disinterested? As I said before and I will say it again, I do not fear death.

A very bold and confident statement from someone so . . . a nobody. Yep, a nobody. That’s what I am! I am a nobody, yet I have everything…at least everything that matters. To me, that is.

Another year has passed in my life. Probably the most eventful year I will ever have. A series of ups and downs, and way down below downs. I have experienced everything in the past year -- the excitement of a wedding, the adjustment and responsibility of marriage, the loss of a child, great disappointments and fulfillment in career, exploring the thrill of travel and separation from loved ones. All these in a year! Why can’t life be as it used to be – safe, uneventful and boring!

I guess God did answer my question. . . better yet, He showed me the meaning of life.

OTHERS.

I used to look for meaning within myself. I never thought I’d find it in the people around me. They came as gifts to me. . . . my husband, my parents, my sister, my nieces, my husband’s family, my friends, my cute loving puppies. My life? They are my life. They are the MEANING of my life. I live only for them. You are right, alone, I am nobody. With them, I become somebody.

And so, I again move on to another year. It is terrifying, after the year I’ve been through. At the same time, I am excited! I don’t know why. I don’t know what. God made me a promise last year. Perhaps He’d remember, perhaps not. Should I wave my hands at him to make him notice me? Nah, I’m sure He has it jotted down somewhere in the great universe.

As a nobody, I was full of fear. Now I am a somebody. I will not be waving my hands up at Him alone. I have a small group of people who’d do the same for me. Afterall, they do say. . . “there is strength in numbers.”

Celebrating Christmas with DB!

With me new friends

ME and Leah w/ our Director

Starting the New Year right

Ok, so how does a newly wed couple celebrate their first Christmas together? Making a baby? Hahaha, always! Joke. . . in time. A few more months then Myke and I will again try and fervently pray for that blessing. In the meantime, it's simply a joy to spend this time with each other. Sometimes I'm beginning to think we're slowly becoming one of those boring couples who stays couped up at home, not going out...not dating. Hmmm I don't know . . . are we really becoming that boring? Hehehehe. . . When married, how would you define dating? Eating out? We do that almost everyday! Catching a movie? We have watched every worthy movie that has come out last year! Going out of the country/out of town? Well, we've gone out of the country twice already, and out of town? Let's just say we've made Tagaytay and Baguio our weekend getaways hahaha, wala lang. . . . daming pang-gasolina??? Joke!!!! Walang magawa eh! Meron ngang time, we went to Tagaytay just to have coffee(whereelse? Starbucks syempre!) then baba ulit! Grabe, mga trip namen!!!!

But most of time we find ourselves just wanting to stay home together. Watch DVD - Dragonball Z, DragonBall GT, Alias, House, Prison Break, Heroes. . . . wala lang. . . or sometimes, we just spend the day in bed, watching Animal Planet! Hahahaha, boring ba? I dunno, I don't feel bored at all! Should I?

Anyway, Christmas and New Year went by so fast for us. . . it was tiring because we had to visit and be with both our families. Bouncing from one house to another. Tiring as it is, we know that it is our responsibility to our families to give that time to them. We did find some time for ourselves though, after Christmas but before New Year. . . . well not entirely to ourselves coz we were with a good friend. As always, not a year passes that we do not go and pay a visit to Baguio. And as always, whenever we're with Anj. . . we never miss the opportunity to take some of the silliest most jologs pictures ever!