Hehehe. . . hmmm. . . I've longed to write something worth reading for a long time. However, I am far too tired to even think of a single sensible thought and hold it in my mind long enough for me to begin to explain. Now that I'm beginning to explain what I can't. . . Can you imagine just how twisted I have become?
Ok, focus! hmmm. . . . Death. There was a time in my life when I couldn't even bring myself to think about death, especially not of a loved one. I have witnessed death in my own family once, and the feeling of grief and numbness sometimes still lingers at home. Each of us, a part of us. . . died that day. Losing him was the easiest part of it all. What came after was just mere unbearable.
Death is lingering. . . If I smear my door with blood, would he spare my house this time? If we can just cower under our beds and hide, let death pass us by. . . perhaps. . . just perhaps he will forget. They always say. . . ". . if I could just hug him one last time" or "talk to him and tell him how much I love him." "If I could have been a better brother" ". . . a better daughter."
Yes, if only you could have.
I tell myself, I will never utter those words. . . I may fail in a lot of things. . . but never ever. . . and yet . . . just thinking that I will never hear her voice again. . . to not have anyone tell me how to be a good wife. . . to not have her instructing me how to cook, to not have her reminding me to save, to not have her to work hard for, to not have her to live for. If only I could have spent every minute of my life with her, just so she will never doubt, just one second, that she was anything less than. . . perfect.
They say that children do not fall far from the tree. That somehow the destiny of the children are determined by how well their parents raised them. I guess in a sense there is some truth to this, but for my own parents sake, I beg you to differ. It pains me to hear my mother saying. . . "san ba kame nagkulang?" . . . can't even find the words to describe how this breaks my heart. If only I can be the most perfect daughter, maybe . . . just maybe. . . she would think her life worthy.
I know that the day is coming. I often brush away the thought in my head, but I know it is inevitable. I know that she will pass before I do. I know this because I love her. If you have ever seen a mother lose her child, you'd know why. The grief, the pain. . . seeing her. . . its unbearable. I will hold on, and if I have only one wish to ask of God, it would be this.
Let her go before I do.
Hehehe. . . heavy! It's 1am and my eyes are bloodshot red from crying. Looks like I was able to write something long (not sure about the worth reading part!). On the brighter side of life. . . . I am going to Shanghai! That is where we'll be celebrating our 1st year Anniversary! How time flies by so quickly! Tell you about my trip in another blog. . . but I do hope I can cary a baby panda while I'm there. . . hehehe. . . if not, then I'll just eat. . . hmmm siomai? hehehe joke!
Death is lingering. . . If I smear my door with blood, would he spare my house this time? If we can just cower under our beds and hide, let death pass us by. . . perhaps. . . just perhaps he will forget. They always say. . . ". . if I could just hug him one last time" or "talk to him and tell him how much I love him." "If I could have been a better brother" ". . . a better daughter."
Yes, if only you could have.
I tell myself, I will never utter those words. . . I may fail in a lot of things. . . but never ever. . . and yet . . . just thinking that I will never hear her voice again. . . to not have anyone tell me how to be a good wife. . . to not have her instructing me how to cook, to not have her reminding me to save, to not have her to work hard for, to not have her to live for. If only I could have spent every minute of my life with her, just so she will never doubt, just one second, that she was anything less than. . . perfect.
They say that children do not fall far from the tree. That somehow the destiny of the children are determined by how well their parents raised them. I guess in a sense there is some truth to this, but for my own parents sake, I beg you to differ. It pains me to hear my mother saying. . . "san ba kame nagkulang?" . . . can't even find the words to describe how this breaks my heart. If only I can be the most perfect daughter, maybe . . . just maybe. . . she would think her life worthy.
I know that the day is coming. I often brush away the thought in my head, but I know it is inevitable. I know that she will pass before I do. I know this because I love her. If you have ever seen a mother lose her child, you'd know why. The grief, the pain. . . seeing her. . . its unbearable. I will hold on, and if I have only one wish to ask of God, it would be this.
Let her go before I do.
Hehehe. . . heavy! It's 1am and my eyes are bloodshot red from crying. Looks like I was able to write something long (not sure about the worth reading part!). On the brighter side of life. . . . I am going to Shanghai! That is where we'll be celebrating our 1st year Anniversary! How time flies by so quickly! Tell you about my trip in another blog. . . but I do hope I can cary a baby panda while I'm there. . . hehehe. . . if not, then I'll just eat. . . hmmm siomai? hehehe joke!
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