A scratch on the gem

It hurts to fall from the pedestal you once sat on. You see, love is like a drug. It flatters you. It sends you to the highest of high. It makes you believe that you are the rarest of gems, to be cared for and treasured.

It's no secret that I have been terribly spoiled by my husband. I never realized this, and simply accepted that this is how everybody loved. I did not know no other way to love other than in this extreme fashion, as I have not loved nor been loved before. And so, I loved him as if he were my life, and I expected him to love me as much. I smirked upon other relationships which I thought had a lesser "carat" of love than the pure and perfect one that I had.

Today I realized a scratch. A scratch on our most precious gem. I cried, screamed, threw a tantrum on the floor for my husband to do something to make it as perfect as it once was. Yet, no matter how hard he tried and no matter how hard I insisted, there was just no way. I cried and I begged until I came to a very striking realization. The gem was never perfect. I just thought it was, and the value that I once thought it deserved was just a terrible misconception. It was just terribly overpriced, and now it is undergoing a very disappointing reappraisal.

It puzzled me for days why it was so hard. Why after all the crying, fighting and begging, it still did not come. I have been reappraised. I have fallen flat on my face from the pedestal I once sat on. The drug has ceased, and reality was put me in my rightful place. I am ashamed. My father knew what my value was, how could I have been led to believe that I could be assessed any better?

I am ashamed.

Korona ng Patay

So this incredibly enormous arrangement of flower arrived today (Feb. 17). It is supposed to be the gift I earned from making a drama out of and begging my husband for a little of his precious attention and affection on the supposed day of love. In short, it’s my post valentine gift of consolation. Truth is, I already had a feeling that he'd make his great gesture today afterall, I have been crying and begging for days. I absolutely have no idea what he thinks he'd earn or resolve by sending me these flowers. Actually when I saw them, the first thing that came to my mind was... "Oh no, magkano na naman ginastos nya para sa mga yan!" The second, "Ang laki naman nyan, parang korona ng patay!" It's not that I don't like flowers but, the thing is, it was not what I was asking for. Why are men’s skulls so thick that it's so damn hard to get through to them? Are they really that stupid, or are they just pretending to be so?

Myke and I did agree not to spend during this Valentines Day, as we need to save as much as we can as part of our preparation for our baby's delivery. We said we'd just give each other cards on love day, and that would be it. But I felt guilty because I was not able to mail his card. All I had was a scanned copy of the card I had promised. So I thought, how can I not do something for him on a day when everybody else is celebrating love while he'd be alone in a foreign land (in Vietnam on a business trip) with only himself to celebrate with? So yes, I did spend a little. I sent him a simple bouquet of roses...but that was not my great gesture. If it were so, I would have sent him the most expensive and most beautiful bouquet they had. What I had hoped he'd appreciate was the spontaneity of the act and the effort I exerted in ordering and in finding out the address that he'd be at at that specific day and time. I regretted making the effort as soon as it arrived, for he received it as he would any letter of no significance whatsoever. "They are flowers. They are red. I have put them in a vase. Thank you." That was all. Next thing I knew he was off on a lunch meeting, dinner in a bar owned by some COO (Child Of Owner), then the following day, playing golf on a not so expensive fairway (for pleasure, ofcourse).

Yes, I am selfish because I expected to receive something in return. Ofcourse, never in a million years would I have expected to receive this “korona ng patay” of an arrangement. If I had expected to receive flowers in return, then I would have just told him not to bother…quits na lang! What I wanted from him does not even have a price tag on it. I wanted to feel that he appreciated my gesture. I wanted to feel that he cherished my gift. I wanted him to repay me with his time and sweet words of love. I wanted him to ask me how my day went, and to comfort me and reassure me that I am not alone and that everything will be alright. I wanted him to ask how our baby has grown, and how active she has been. None of that ever came, not even the card we promised each other. And so, I spent love day more alone than he was while I was at home and he was in a foreign land on business trip.

I have been crying for days now. The card he promised finally arrived with this expensive and enormous gift of shame. As expected, the card didn’t say much of anything other than the message originally printed on it. It says: “This card says everything I want to say.” I don’t even know what these flowers mean. They are beautiful but meaningless. I bet he just asked his secretary to order them and have it delivered here (a fact which I confirmed today). He does not even have a clue what on earth he sent to me. Where is the effort in that? I am pissed and disappointed. I can’t believe I was once so proud of the love he and I share. It was a fallacy, a figment of my imagination, an illusion that I made up in my mind, a dream that I made so perfect.

My mother is right. Life is unfair. I wake up every day to a father who is growing weaker each day that passes, to a mother who tries her best to comfort a husband who has been by her side for the last 52 years, a sister who has abandoned all roads to forgiveness, and a husband who is out of sight…and, just recently I find out, also out of love. Everything is falling apart in my life. Somehow I need to stop the tears from falling. Does my baby cry with me? Does my baby hear my heart break? Oh God, why is life so full of drama!

I sleep and wish for time to fly. Life is cruel, for there is no sleep. Even sleep has abandoned me, an open-heart surgery without anesthetics. I close my eyes and cry, wishing the excruciating pain would send me into the oblivion of numbness.

What have you been up to, Mommy?

Ok, so everybody's been asking me what I have been up to all these 7 months since I returned from Shanghai. Yes, I did my own share of bumming and lazing around, doing nothing but to eat, sleep and watch a whole lot of TV. But a major part of my time was spent preparing for you, my dear little Hannah Gabrielle (ask your dad if this name is his final answer!).

Some say that nesting is a natural instinct for mothers. As a mother bird prepares a cozy and secure nest for her little hatchlings, the same is true for human mothers. It wasn't all me ofcourse. Mommy was, most of the time, under house/room arrest during her pregnancy so a lot of people put a whole lot of love and effort to help me prepare for you, my little darling.

Hmmm, where should I start? Perhaps I should start with your crib, where you'd spend most of your early months in, either sleeping or playing. Daddy and I couldn't decide in a million years what to get you. Truth is we preferred buying you a big and sturdy wooden crib. Well, because it looked better, seemed cozier and would last longer. But since Daddy and I will be flying you off to Shanghai a few months after you're born, we thought maybe it'd be more practical to buy a crib which we can easily transport and bring via handcarry to China. So after months and months of deliberation, we finally bought you a portable play yard. Daddy can pack this with one fold and easily carry it on one arm (Are you sure about this Daddy? hehehe)


The room which we turned into your nusery was before occupied by your Tito Ivan. Tito Ivan used that room ever since he was a bachelor even until the time he got married and had your cousins Sara, Annie and Teret. The room was once carpetted in blue and covered in wallpaper. But after having been badly abused by time and tortured by your cousins, the room was just not fit to have you live in it as is. So your Lola Coring took charge in renovating the room. The old carpets were taken out and in its place granite tiles were set. The wallpaper was removed and fresh blue paint tainted its walls. Now, it used to be blue but the color somehow wasn't "cheery" enough for Mommy. So I had it repainted in yellow. The old cabinets and drawers were also repaired and repainted, a mix of pink salmon and powder blue. Don't you think it looks a whole lot better now?

For Christmas, I begged Daddy to buy me a rocking chair. I figured that a nursery will just not be complete without one, and it would be an excellent and comfortable nook for feeding and craddling you to sleep. I also would have loved to have one of those old fashioned wooden rocking chairs but your modern lazyboy-type is also more than acceptable. Daddy immediately had covers made for the chair (As you can see, Daddy's taste is getting better...flowery, shiny shimmery and splendid is orginally Mommy's taste!) so as to avoid chafing of its fake leather-like upholstery. It currently sits in our family room, but I'll have Daddy move it to the nursery when he arrives.

Also, for Christmas I received an electric sterilizer from your Tito Ivan. He says that your three cousins had a hand in picking the right brand. Now, I'm not sure about the brand...maybe it's more of the right price! But no matter, it's still an excellent choice.

Your feeding bottles were a gift as well from your Tita Polly. Mommy had a hard time choosing which bottles to use because of the the sudden noise of the BPA scare. BPA-free bottles were scracely availble in the Philippines at that time, and glass bottles were just too heavy and fragile. But your Tita Polly found this brand of incredibly light glass bottles. At this point, I don't see the need for too much bottles as I intend to breasfeed full-time. Let's just hope God gives Mommy lots and lots of milk!

They say that baby's who were made to hear Mozart's classics ended up more intelligent than those who were not exposed at all. I don't know if this is true but yes, I did made you listen to some of Mozart's music while you were still inside Mommy's tummy. Actually, I made you listen not only to Mozart but to some of my favorite children's songs and church songs as well. Your Lola Lou gave me a CD for Christmas containing famous classics for babies. I guess I could have had you listen more to this music but Mommy was "mayabang" and wanted you to grow more familiar to her music than any stanger's. So, as often as I can, I'd play piano for you. Though Mommy has a limited repertoire, she tried her best to play new melodies for you every time. Daddy also ATTEMPTED to play some piano for you. If you ask him now I'm sure he'll claim he played better music for you. haha! I'll let you be the judge of that. Ofcourse, I sang to you constantly. None of Daddy's nonesensical and silly compositions, but melodies from my childhood...lullabies, classic Disney, and some stage play songs.

In connection to milk, Mommy's next purchase was a reliable breastpump. Again, as usual, Mommy didn't have any idea which brand works best, plus the choice of whether to pick manual or electric, single or double. I ended up picking manual, because I'm just a stay at home mom and have all the time to pump for milk the whole day! hahaha By the way baby, yes we tested the pump on Daddy and he says it works. We did not test long though, as Daddy was already screaming and laughing out loud when the pump finally started sucking. I guess it either tickled him or he was in pain. I forgot to ask him.

For Mommy's birthday, Daddy gave me some gadgets for scrapbooking. I know, I know. I should have started on it by now, but I was a scatterbrain during my entire pregnancy. No matter how hard I try to connect to my usually creative self, no idea seem to be good enough. I guess I just want it to turn out to be real special. Don't worry baby, Mommy will record and keep track of all special moments for you. You can count on that! In fact, Daddy has already bought a few items which will help me keep track. A picture frame that will show how you grow and change from month to month until your first birthday, and a frame that will hold clay molds of you footprints and handprints.

A nursery will not be one without toys! I'm proud to say that I am able to hand you down some of my own toys. Sure they may not be as "hi-tech" and modern as the toys they have now, but they have served their purpose and have lived through 2 generations and now going on its third. Daddy and I both agree that we'd rather you get exposed to the simple things to better develop your skills for creativity, innovation and social interaction rather than introduce you to toys that may use the most advanced technology but may later on impede your development. We want you to experience and find joy in playing with and caring for your dolls, decorate and make memorable stories in your doll house, play "lutulutuan" with your little pots and pans using different ingredients found in our kitchen or the garden, make bubbles and blow them from papaya stems, play patintero, tumbang-preso, agawang base with your friends...the options are endless! Ofourse, we'll not have you be ignorant in technology, as Daddy and Mommy are afterall gadget freaks! But, we'll regulate...we'll see. It's a tough one.

Daddy has placed his toys in your room. I'm not sure if this means he is willing to have you play with them. Probably when your a litle older.



Before Daddy went home from Shanghai for the the Chinese New Year, he bought this cute little play gym which he immediately demonstrated to me, as you can see. I guess you and Daddy can still squeeze under there until you're a year old.

Clothes. Most of the clothes I have prepared for you (tie-sides, cloth diapers, receiving blankets, towels and bed sheets) where all bought or sewn by your Lola Coring and Tita Polly. Since Mommy can no longer survive a trip to Divisoria, it was up to them to choose and collect for me clothes you would be wearing daily. The big colorful receiving blankets you will grow to love sleeping with were first hand-sewn by you Lola then finalized via machine by your Tita. They were all made out of love, so be sure to treasure and take care of them. By now, all your clothes, blankets and linens have been washed, ironed, labeled and folded (FYI, handwashing and ironing were all done by Mommy and your Lola -- labor of love parin!). They are now organized in labeled plastic containers and just waiting for your arrival.

I also bought a few prettier clothes for you to wear when we go malling or go visit you Lola Norma and Lolo Alex. I didn't buy a lot though as I anticipate you'd grow fast and will outgrow most of them in months. There is one cute little onsie though that is very special as it was given to you by your Ninang Joey. Ninang Joey is a friend Mommy made during her stay in Shanghai. You will adore her, as she is very playful, happy and have this very vibrant personality. She'll be the one to teach you your Mandarin (she's Chinese afterall). So be sure to practice saying "xie xie" to her when you finally get to meet her.

I guess it is traditional for mommies to give their wedding dresses to their daughters to wear on their wedding day. I can do that, but that would be getting ahead of too much time! In the meantime, I can hand you down some of the pretty and memorable dresses Mommy used to wear. Why these dresses were even worn by your cousins. So again, you'd the third generation to wear them.

If you should know one thing about Mommy, she is unable to wash clothes by hand. She can manage in small loads but not more for her hands easily get irritated by both the laundry soap and the friction from scrubbing. Arte noh! Yes, balat pang-mayaman ang kamay ng Mommy! haha! Maybe in time, I'll get better but in the meantime, we'll stick to using the washing machine. This machine was given to me by your Lola Coring, as she knows my weakness and when you arrive, the piles of dirty clothes, towels and linens will start piling up. We'll let Daddy hand wash your soiled cloth diapers first before we put it in the machine (wink, wink). haha!

Books! Some of the books you'd be using were given by your Tita Polly. The children's bible she bought for you is just fantastic! Some, I bought from Booksale, but most are, as usual, pre-loved by Mommy and pre-abused by your cousins. You'll know what I mean when I say "pre-abused." They are all re-covered and labeled for your use.

By the way, Daddy wants me to mention that those cute little pink panda slippers are a gift from him which he bought from the province of Qingdao, China.

The pink hippo and brown gorilla were a gift from Daddy to Mommy, even before we were married. The rabbit, I have no idea. Perhaps, it belonged to your cousins.

We bought this pre-natal listening system on impulse. Daddy and I were excited to hear your heartbeat and probably even your movements inside Mommy's tummy. Why we could even record it if we wanted to. Unfortunately, you were positioned in my tummy that made it difficult for me to hear your heartbeat via this system or an ordinary stetoscope. So we usually just use this device when Daddy wants to hear you move. Personally, I prefer feeling you move and seeing you make waves on Mommy's tummy than hearing you. I didn't need to hear, because I can feel you and I can see you move with my own eyes! But Daddy gets excited nontheless to hear you.

We wanted to buy you an infrared ear thermometer but, it was too pricey! So Daddy and I decided to buy a digital thermometer instead. I found this medical kit which not only contained a digital thermometer but also forehead thermometer, nail clippers, hair brush, syringe, medicine dropper and a lot more other tools which may be helpful to us whenever you are feeling under the weather.

Lola Coring, Daddy and I dropped by the newly opened hardware store near our house and found this cute Disney flourescent light. We previously thought that it would make a good ceiling light to your room, but it was not bright enough. So, we just had it installed on the wall near the corner which we plan to have the little feeding nook I was telling you about. Hopefully, the light will not be too bright to hurt your little delicate eyes, and not so dim that Mommy will go groping in the dark.

It is Daddy's specific instruction to mention that he was the one who labored covering the insides of your drawers. Truth is, it was Mommy who covered the inside with cute wrapping papers and it was Daddy who completed it with plastic cover. He reluctantly but successfully covered one drawer a day. It took him 4 days to cover all three. Yes, he skipped one day! He was just too lazy!

I am 8 months along now and, with the help of your Lola Coring, my bags are all packed and ready to go anytime you go knocking on Mommy's cervix. Mommy's clothes are all ready, even packed a few for Daddy. The video cam is all set, which by the way belongs to your Ninang Rica. Your clothes and receiving blankets are ready together with your disposable diapers, a few feeding bottles and Mommy's breastpump. Everything is set, everything except for Daddy, who is currently in Shanghai working his butt off to prepare us financially. Please, please try to stay in Mommy's tummy until the time Daddy arrives so we may all CALMLY go to the hospital and celebrate your arrival, finally!

So you see, Mommy was not a complete bum all this time. Actually I still have a few more things to prepare before the big day. I still have to have the stuff toys in your room dry cleaned, have your room sprayed with baby-friendly insecticide and have the rest of your things disinfected. Perhaps I'll finally have everything done this week or the next.

I know that no matter how much I prepare, I'll never be prepared enough! But preparing as much as I can, eliminates a few things less to worry about when the chaos of you arrives. Chaotic because Mommy is a first-time mom and has some but not much experience with babies. Also, I figured, since people always say that in every delivery the life of both the mother and child are at risk....if God should decide to take me (morbid na naman si Mommy!), I would be leaving all these things for you. And surely , after you have seen how much time and effort I have put into preparing, you would know, without a doubt, that even before you were born, Mommy was able to serve you and loved your with all the love she can give.

Life is not fair

"Life is not fair." I was surprised to hear these words uttered by my mother -- my mother who has always been full of strength, faith and life's wisdom. More than surprise, I guess what I felt was terror. What was once just a possibility, is now more a probability. My father's health is fast deteriorating, and with it, it would seem, my mother's faith as well. I can't blame her, actually. It is in fact unbearable but perhaps, for her, a hundredfold.

Life indeed is not fair. Life was never supposed to be so. Sometimes it is true that we reap what we sow but it is not always the case. Sometimes those lucky bastards get away with things the easy way, and other times they get what they deserve and more. Sometimes our good deeds go unappreciated and unnoticed yet, there are also times when praises are thrown our way with the least amount of effort. Life's trials are there not to punish us, they are there for a purpose...either to strengthen us, unite us with our loved ones, bring about a realization, teach us or the people around us life's lesson/s...the options are endless. But never must we doubt God, nor blame Him for being unfair. If life were fair, we'd probably all look the same, think the same, behave in the same manner, and born under the exact same circumstances.

How can I explain to you? How can I make you believe? How can I help you rest your doubts? Don't give up on me now, not now when we need to be strong...not now when all we have left is each other.

Lord, I lift up my life to you. I am afraid to look into the future for there is so much darkness. I am afraid of the sorrow. I am afraid of the emptiness. They are so familiar, unwelcome yet inevitable. No, I need to live for the now. I refuse to ruin the "now" for fear of the "what will be". I will concentrate in strengthening my soul for somehow I must survive. I need to survive for my daughter, for my husband and my sister.

Oh, how can I live a life without you?

No, I need to live for the now.