Joyful changes

1. Eating 3 full meals everyday, sometimes more, without being too conscious about weight.
2. Eating rice, bread, cereal (carbo overload ito! hehehe) with each meal yet, for some miraculous reason, not seem to gain as much weight as I would have in my usual unpregnant state.
3. No more sugary sweets for me....well, too much that is...huhuhu You know scientific studies have shown that pregnant mommies who indulged in a little chocolate once in while have shown that their babies smiled and laughed more than those who completely deprived themselves. See, pwede kaya!
4. No more junk foods! huhuhu This one's really necessary, unless gusto mo manasin ka nang bonggang bongga.
5. Never used to pee so much. I used to pee max of 4x a day. Now, I am leaking pee, literally!
6. I have drank half the water in La Mesa Dam. Peed, 1/4 of it, and retained the rest in my body. If you pinched me, I'd leak water....from somewhere....hehehehe =)
7. For the first time in my life, I take pride in watching my belly grow bigger each day. Perlas na bilog, wag tutulog-tulog...sabihin sa akin kung boy o girl ka! hehehe...
8. Does it ever happen to you when you brush your teeth and the toothpaste suds would fall on your shirt and stain it white? Well it always happened to me then, but it used to fall on my breasts, now it falls directly on my tummy!!! It seems my tummy has grown bigger than my boobs! Waaaah! How unsexy!
9. When I bend down, I cannot see my ..... (let's just say, not my feet!!! hahahaha)
10. I have not had a good night's sleep since forever! I can never get into the right position, or if I do, I am plagued with these weird, nonsensical dreams.

Most important of all, I have never felt sexier! hahahaha...oooh la la...bwahahahaha =)

The story of you

Possible day of conception: July 16, 2008 (Sorry, specifics are private and defiintely not meant for all audiences/readers...hehehe)

August 8, 2008:
Mommy casually informs Daddy that that day was the 36th day of her cycle (Normal cycle for Mommy is 33-35 days). Daddy gives Mommy a joking yet daring look saying: "Anong sinasabe mo?" Daring her to admit, yet again, in giving in to the hope that this month can possibly be THE month. Mommy ofcourse denies, and tells Daddy that she was merely informing him and not indicating or assuming anything.

You must understand baby that Daddy and Mommy have been through many heartbreaks (1 failed pregnancy and 2 years of waiting), and hoping has become our primary enemy and source of many of our previous disappointments. Because of this, we have become averse to it...well outwardly that is. In our hearts we both knew that with each month that passed, we still hoped and we still expected THE miracle to happen every time.

Every other day thereafter, Mommy will casually inform Daddy of the count in her cycle, and Daddy will reply the exact same thing. Mommy will do just the same.

August 18, 2008 @ 11 pm, 47th day in my cycle:
Daddy and Mommy were watching Evan Almighty on HBO that night. Mommy was having a bit of a headache, but still nothing out of the ordinary. Though we both denied in hoping, Daddy has forbidden Mommy to take any kind of medicine. So, Mommy had to suck it all up and try her best to live with the pain.

August 19, 2008 @ 1-6 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache has reached its ultimate peak. Drums were beginning to bang in her head. Sleep was impossible having now a complete rock band playing something nasty. Daddy was fast asleep, as usual. Mommy tried vomiting, wishing it will somehow alleviate the pressure. She vomited until she was vomiting air, still it did little help. She tried taking a bath, wondering if it was just the heat that's causing all the excruciating pain. Mommy went back to bed, closed her eyes and just prayed...prayed for silence. That night, absolutely no sleep for Mommy.

August 19, 2008 @ 6:30 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy's alarm went off. Daddy took a shower and got dressed for work. Mommy's headache was still pounding, but drowsiness from lack of sleep was beginning to creep in and little by little the pain began to subside. Daddy kissed Mommy goodbye. Mommy's headache was now controllable but she began experiencing another sensation. She felt as if she had run a mile...heart racing...banging. Mommy was very afraid.

August 19, 2008 @ 9 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache was totally gone, and her racing heart has returned to normal. Mommy had to immediately consult with a friend, and so she went online and chatted with one of her dearest friends-Kat Lee. Mommy was very alarmed! Her period was incredible late, she was having headaches from hell, and experiencing sudden episodes of heart palpitations. If Mommy was not pregnant, then it could just mean that her body has gone haywire (hormones have completely gone astray plus a possible heart condition). Perhaps, her symptoms would merit her an immediate visit to a doctor, which in Shanghai is not an easy feat. Kat advised Mommy to take a pregnancy test, afterall Mommy did brought 3 kits with her from home (Phil). At that point, Mommy knew she had no choice but to finally face facts. It's either she was indeed pregnant or she was incredibly sick and in trouble.

August 19, 2008 @ 10 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy took courage, prayed, and finally took the pregnancy test. It was difficult to look at the strip and wait for the lines to appear. Mommy have had so many disappointing moments with a dozen other strips in the past. When Mommy saw the two pink lines, tears sprang to her eyes, and there was just so much prayer and thanksgiving. Ofcourse, Mommy told Kat her great news, and she was also overjoyed.

Note: When Kat first became pregnant and found out about it, Mommy was also one of the first persons she told and even showed her strip to. We were in a cubicle in the office comfort room, both of us crying in joy.

August 19, 2008 @ 4:30 pm, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy came home early from work because he knew Mommy was sick and not feeling well. But before he reached home, Mommy had already pinned a note on the door saying "Bibi, uuwi na ba ako?" with my test strip taped on the piece of paper. When Daddy managed to open the door he was hysterical and almost unbelieving. When the news finally sunk in, Daddy hugged Mommy, we danced and cried at the same time. Even though Daddy and Mommy promised each other that we will not tell anybody the news except our families, Daddy could not help himself and immediately told the news to his office assistant. I think we had cheezy crust pizza that night!

August 28, 2008 @ 4:00 pm, 7 weeks on the way:
Daddy and Mommy arrived home (Phil.) very early that morning and that same afternoon we saw you for the very first time. You were perfect!

To the readers: Sorry for the crudeness in my writing, I have been meaning to write these events down for so long and I just have to finally do it, otherwise risk forgetting the dates and specifics of the events. None of my usual drama here, just plain narration. hehehe =)

All I want for Christmas...

is YOU.

A book I once read said...

A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. Both emotions we feel towards someone we obviously care intensely about to love so much or to hate so much. Lately, in my current state of abandonment, I am beginning to think that what the author said is true. Is it really possible to love a person so much that your love becomes to uncontrollable that it transcends to hatred?

I am ashamed to admit that though I have been so generously blessed by God, I am harboring a brewing hatred in my heart. Everyday I try to deny it and try to subdue it, hoping that I can somehow hide the feeling from my child. I pray hard at night seeking for comfort, for God to take away my pain and leave me with nothing else but pure joy for the miracle I have been given. I am so filled with shame for feeling anything other than gratefulness...but God knows...and I know.

I was watching Desperate Housewives earlier this evening and a scene towards the end of the show made me cry with a startling realization. Bree and Orson were having a fight. It was brought on by Orson's insecurity over Bree's smashing success. Everybody envied Bree, because she had everything -- she was a celebrity, not to mention named Business Woman of the Year. But nobody knew that despite all the glitz and glamor, at night, Bree slept in a bed by herself, her husband choosing to sleep in a guest room than sleep with her in their king-sized bed. To appease Orson's depleted ego, Bree gave him a chef's hat...silently saying that her success is very much his own. And Orson, with his ego obviously reinforced, climbs back into Bree's bed and hugs his wife warmly.

In a way, I am very much like Bree. I should be at the top of the world. I have everything I could ever want...every night I pray to God and tell Him that I am content. But just like Bree, every night I go to sleep in my bed...alone. Nothing but my tears and my loneliness to lull me to sleep. Seeing Orson climb back into Bree's bed made me realize how much I miss having someone. It made me realize that each day that passes my loneliness is being transformed into hatred. Yes, I am narrow-minded and self-centered...give me a break, I am pregnant am I not?
In the same way and the same intensity that I love you, I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you because I have to sleep alone in bed at night. I hate you for robbing me of my excitement. I hate you for not sharing and being witness to some of the most important moments in my life and in our child's. I hate you for making me feel this way, when all I should be feeling now is joy. I hate you for making me feel so guilty. I hate you for not making me feel as special as other husbands make their pregnant wives feel. I hate you for all the things that I am missing. I hate you for leaving me only half alive. I hate you for making this time in our lives seem not as perfect as it ought to be.

I hate you for not being able to climb into our bed and put your arms around me to make all my hate and loneliness to go away...

You ask me why I need to justify the reasons why we are apart? It is because I have to convince myself every single day that all these sacrifice is for some greater good. I need to believe that the costs are less than the benefits. It is because I need to find reasons not to hate you.

A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. I have never hated anyone in my life. Yet now the person I most love is the person I hate most.

The million things I miss and reasons why I love you so

1. I miss eating Jollibee corned beef breakfast meals with you! As you drive me to work every morning while listening to Chico and Del's Morning Rush on the radio, we never fail to drive through Jollibee to each buy our very own corned beef breakfast meal. I would feed you while you drive, and...well I feed myself. =) Yum yum ...
2. I miss taking baths with you. Remember our water fights? I've been practicing with no water heater at all. So no matter how cold the water is, I am ready! Bring it on! hahaha... How about you?
   
3. I miss our pancit canton meals...3-4 packs of pancit canton calamansi with 2 eggs! Solb!
4. I miss you cooking me breakfast every weekends. Menu: rice, scrambled eggs, corned beef, and hotdogs. This is the icing to my weekends!
5. I miss spending the entire day with you in our condo watching movie marathons or playing Halo/Rainbow Six...we do this without rest and with absolutely no bath!!! For food? Why that's why Sicilian Pizza is so close to our unit! Yum yum again ...
6. I miss you packing my laptop bag for me every morning as I ready myself for work.
7. I miss you charging my gadgets for me 'coz I never did have the patience or enough sense of responsibility to remember doing it for myself.
8. I miss cooking for you and packing breakfast and lunch for you every day.
9. I miss your farts and your barfs...both odorless and stinky.
10. I miss watching Ginebra games with you, whether be it live or on tv. What are the odds of me finding someone as fanatic and as loyal as I am! Though I must say...you are sometimes a disgrace to the Ginebra race. When we are losing we do not close our eyes or change the channel! We watch head on with hope until the very last second. Never say die!!!
11. I miss watching movies with you on their first showing day!
12. I miss going to the supermarket with you...me filling our cart and you taking them all back!
13. I miss us sleeping on the floor in the sala, just because I sleep better there and you do it anyway even though you wake up with a stiff back and neck.
14. I miss you staying awake with me until the wee hours of the night and sometimes even through the following day as I panic to finish my work, just so you can show me your support.
15. I miss packing your luggages for you, folding your shirts carefully. I miss reminding you each time, giving you a rundown of the things you may forget.
16. I miss playing golf with you, with me feeling like a pro for having had only a few lessons to my belt while you having years. I'll always remember the time when we were stranded in the cart being soaked all over while the wind blew hard and the lightnings raged on. Adik!
17. I miss you trying to carry me, though we both know I am too heavy for you! You still try though...
18. I miss hug-dancing with you, with me stepping on your feet.
19. I miss us driving to Tagaytay for no reason at all...well perhaps just to have coffee or dinner at Pancake House. hehehe...
20. I miss our long trips to Baguio or Pagudpud. I would try my best to stay awake (try lang naman eh) to keep you company and most importantly AWAKE!
21. I miss accompanying you to buy your clothes. I always pick the best clothes for you! If I left the picking to you, all your clothes would look the same and BLUE!
22. I miss you making me iced tea...from the many Lipton tea bags I snatched from the office pantry (shhhh...)
23. I miss you sexy dancing to me to cheer me up when I am so down.
    
24. I miss our intimate adventures...some will make interesting stories to tell our children, that is when they are old enough. At least we can proudly say that we've almost done it all! hahahaha...
25. I miss having to tell you..."bibi, utot ka ng utot", "tumae ka kc!", "don't talk bibi...close ur mouth", "Magtutbrush ka kc!" and "labhan mo naman brip mo!" hehehehe...
26. I miss and appreciate it a lot when you call before you go home each day to ask me what I need or what food I want to eat.
    
27. I miss trying to out-think and out-reason you in everything. "Loser!"
28. I miss going to the arcade with you. Just remember one thing...I scored higher when we finally completed Time Crisis 4!!! Loser!
29. I miss you washing the dishes after I cook. You are master of the Joy dishwashing liquid! hehehehe...
    
30. I miss sleeping next to you. There just seems to be no reason to be afraid when you are next to me. I am safe and protected.
31. I miss the overpowering smell of your perfume. I absolutely do not know what is wrong with your smelling powers when you have got such a big nose! You do not have to bathe yourself with your perfume!
    
32. I miss hearing you snore, no matter how hard you deny it...I will get my evidence!
    
33. I miss saying how much I love you, and hearing you tell me you love me too. (well, face to face that is...kc we still do pro over the net is just not the same)
    
34. I miss being with you...doing whatever, wherever.
35. I miss loving you and taking care of you.
    
36. I miss you, PERIOD!

A million more reasons to follow…

Too much hormones

We have wanted this for so long. We have dreamt and waited, prayed and prayed some more. God has heard our pleas and now, 4 months later, our little angel is swimming and kicking, dancing in his/her own little fish bowl inside me. It is a dream come true, and yet it is not quite the way we've always pictured it. I am here, and you are 3 and a half hours away by plane.

They all say that pregnancy is hard. I must say being pregnant and alone is a million times harder. Enduring the surge of all-day sickness was a cinch! Now halfway through my miracle, I am plagued with disturbing dreams, anxiety, doubt, insecurity and fear of the many unknowns that lie ahead of me. I find comfort in feeling our little angel move, doing his routine somersaults...each time I want to cry in joy and yet when I turn to my side there is no one to share my relief. There are days when I feel short bursts of pain, and there is no arm I can hang on to for comfort. Nights of unrelenting headaches are no exception, and yet I find no hands massaging the pain away but my own. I want to take monthly photos of myself as my belly grows, but there is a telling sadness in my smile that I want to hide.

In the next coming months, I will be facing more unknowns and I am terrified. Will I remain alone as i fight for our child's life and my own? Each day that passes, I begin to ask myself if all our sacrifices are worth it. What is the use of sacrificing when we are not realizing the dream that we have so longed for? Is it really worth missing the most magical part of God's miracle? I don't know anymore, perhaps these are mere illogical thoughts coming from a woman pumped up with too much hormones.

Half yet Whole

This is the longest we've been apart since the day we met. I feel like walking in a dream, only half conscious of what is happening around me, and experiencing life as if from a parallel world. I am only half a person without you. I lay awake late at night afraid of my dreams, tossing and turning, praying for sleep. And when sleep finally does arrive, it is only when I imagine myself nudging you awake in the middle of night and you taking me into your protective arms, comforting me, making all the nightmares and worries go away. In this time of great worry and anticipation, oh how I need you! I know I must be strong now. I must not succumb to my loneliness. There is only room for great joy and thanksgiving for finally God has seen as worthy to take on the greatest responsibility there is in life!

I must put this down, every single event and feeling must be well documented. But how can I? How can I write with only half a soul? Hurry back love, before everything slips from my memory. . .

. . .
09/20/08
I saw you for the second time today love, and I was in a panic. Oh, how you've grown from the last picture we took of you! You're really there! You have a big head still, and doc says she sees two arms and two legs. You are still too little for us to know if you are male or female...but mommy and daddy do not care. You are alive and you are well! That's all that matters. All the while that we were watching you, mommy was holding her breathe. I was so afraid love, I said my silent prayer..."make her heart beat"...and you heart did! I think I have never been so afraid before, your beating heart was enough to make my own heart beat stronger and now with greater purpose. Oh how I wish daddy could be here for he will surely cry from great happiness!

Better be numb than to feel anything at all

I almost fainted today while having my blood taken for some tests. No, I am not and have never been that squeamish with blood or any sort of gore, otherwise I would not have liked Dexter so much. It was torture watching the nurse wiggle her needle all around the place looking for my vein. I should have took caution the moment the nurse asked me to apply cold compress on the area even before she began her painstaking exploration. My God, she already knew in advance how lousy she was with the procedure that she gave me early warning. I know, I should have been touched by her concern…but it’s somehow different when after 3 minutes of poking and pricking, the needle has not found its target yet. During the whole 3 minutes while I was praying that each prick will be the last, I may have held my breathe and forgotten to breathe. I felt I was about to blackout! I wanted to cry and just ask her if I could just come back the next day. Today was the worst experience I had in all things medical related, far worse than the time I was examined by an OB along an open hall while women in labor wailed in grief in a nearby room, or the time I had my d&c. Why, during those times I never had the urge or reason to cry or faint (well, except for the time when my anesthesiologist actually put me to sleep for the operation). When my husband picked me up from the clinic, I burst into tears! The needle mark on each arm was enough explanation.

I know. I should have had more time these last couple of weeks to write to you and share with you what I have been going through. Truth is I have felt numb throughout this experience. I have shut you out as I have shut out myself and regretfully, God as well. Maybe it is some sort of defense mechanism I have resorted to to alienate myself from the pain. Staying in touch with myself and God opens doors of fear and of longing. Somehow, I don’t want to feel any of these now. Not before we go, otherwise I may never leave. It’s like bungee jumping, don’t think just take the plunge into the unknown, and pray that the ropes will be strong enough.

I picked a fight with my husband last night. I know, I know… I should not have but I guess all my bottled up emotions needed to explode! I thought not having work will lessen my stress. But I have come to realize that work helped me then. Work diverted my attention from the reality of my life. Work gave me a reason to not have time to care, to not have time to think. Now that all I have is time, it’s becoming more and more unbearable.

I told my husband last night that moving to Shanghai is a sacrifice. He was somehow hurt by this statement, but it is what it is. Yeah, I know what your thinking…I am mad and that I am a bad wife for not being so supportive, that living in Shanghai will be a great adventure and I bet some of you will probably jump at an opportunity like this. Before you judge me, will you please hear my side?

If you know me well enough, you would know how much I love my family. In all things, my family comes first. I am the youngest child. My mother had me when she was 47 years old. Doctors thought I was some tumor that needed to be taken out. But God intervened, and so here I am. Was I saved for a reason? I don’t know. You can probably label me as a “mama’s girl.” I am one and I am proud to be one. Afterall, my mother deserves to have someone at her age of 76. We have no relatives left --just me, my sister, and my folks. We have only each other to rely on. There is no one else out there for us.

Time is flying by so quickly, and I know that the time for goodbyes is near. I am filled with fear that each passing day may be the last. No number of pictures or videos can ever be enough to capture the memories, can bring me the same amount of warmth and comfort, to give me endless words and lectures of wisdom, can give me strength and reminders of faith and kindness. Yeah, I am such a sissy. But how can you claim you have truly loved when you feel no fear or grief? And so this is my greatest fear, and the thing that is holding me back. If you had already experienced the grief of losing a loved one, you’d probably understand my sentiments. I pray to God everyday . . . “not when I am not at their side.” I can hire the fastest of all jets in coming back, but we all know that it only takes one second. No amount of money, tears, cries, threats, or prayer can bring back what has been lost. I have tried before, it did not work, and there is no promise it will work next time it happens.

You know what’s worse? Whenever I look upon my mother’s face and see her sadness, I feel as if I am expediting the deterioration of her health. Old age is already starting to take its toll, and I feel as if somehow our move to Shanghai will contribute more pain and stress to her already aching body.

As she helped me pack the other day, I can feel her sadness. As always, she wanted to show me her support by sharing with me things that she has kept for us over the years…the blanket the she think will keep us warm during winter, the knives and silverware that we can conveniently use during our first few weeks…the knitted sweaters that was given to her by relatives in Canada that she knows she will not get the chance to wear, the pieces of jewelry wrapped securely in old napkins that she has saved for me over the years. I wanted her help. I wanted to bring that memory with me, the treasures she shared with me. They are the only parts of my mom I can bring with me forever.

And so, I am leaving with this fear. Each day I spend with them, I try to record and burn into my memory. I envy the people who are not burdened by this fear. How do you do it?

I am proud of my husband. There is no doubt in my mind that he will do great wherever he goes and whatever he decides to do. We are about to embark on our future. God has dictated my place when we got married, and I happily and proudly take my eternal position by my husband’s side. But as much as I am excited in the life that’s waiting for us, I am bringing along with me my fear. And so, this is my sacrifice, or perhaps it can be more appropriately called a risk, a possibility that materially dampens all excitement.

Remembering my Alma Mater (A Tribute to my fellow SHSians)

I went to my niece's graduation this weekend, and again got the chance to visit my alma mater. Except for a few renovations and additions here and there, everything seemed so familiar and the same. My husband has always been amazed by the many childhood stories I am able to retell him. Some even go way back when I was still 4 years old. I don't know why, there are just some memories that never fade, things that when I close my eyes I can still see so clearly. I remember my old friends, and I am filled with so much longing and regret, hoping that we could have somehow taken the time to stay in touch. I often check up on them via friendster, and it makes me so proud on how well all of them are doing and how happy they all seem. I just hope that they too remember once in a while with the same fondness the memories we shared together once upon a time.

Below are some pictures from prep school. Can't remember much in prep but I do remember performing a few declamation pieces (Alms, alms, alms. . . spare me a piece o bread, spare me your mercy, I'm a child so young, so THIN and so ragged . . . I always had an issue with that part -- THIN??? What the!*%@ hehehehe) and I think leading the national anthem and morning prayers. At the middle of this building is a small hollow portion, where our teachers used to gather us during activities. At the right middle room is our play room, where I used to play with Patricia R., Patricia J., Denise L. and a few others. I remember those colorful plastic fruits. . . They are all gone now. Our playroom has become a faculty room. Even our playground has become a cemented, roofed area full of little plastic houses, slides, swings. . . Dunno about you, but I'd much rather have my children playing on our old swings, slides, monkey bars where they can get soiled and dirty once in a while and get some fresh air and sun.

And hey, Patring, do you still remember Hanky? Just someone that popped out of my head all so suddenly. Prep school was co-ed before. But the population was predominantly female. I think of you whenever I remember him. Is there some association? Crush mo ba sya nun? hahahaha, can't remember anymore!

Pictures from Preparatory School

This used to be a steep hill, going from prep to the podium. It was filled with aratiris trees. A lot would fall on the ground and sometimes we'd pick them. We used to collect those tiny red fruits, sometimes even eat them. I remember that they were really sweet and sticky. I dunno what happened to those trees now. These trees, I think, are different.

For some reason, the school is now full of ramps. Really not sure why that is. Less effort going up the stairs, I guess? Or maybe to accommodate students who are handicapped? Easy transport of tables/blackboards? This may be better than those old, steep ,heart-pumping, adrenalin jumping stairs. . . hahaha exag!

Remember where this leads to? Korak! But do you ever remember that roofed portion at the end of the field? Yep that is where Anj A. and Tina J. used to burn skin to play softball. Sunog na sunog ka nun Anj!!! Our field now has a basketball court! I guess now the gym is not enough. That gym had a lot of wonderful memories. Patring R, Tina J, Joan S. and some other early birds . . . we used to climb that movable basketball ring all the way to the top, imagining ourselves as gymnasts. Who'd forget the chinese garter and "10-20" games that we used to play. And ofcourse the ever exciting "Agawang Base!" It was a blast, our bases used to be those "net-holders" (ano ba tawag dun. . . yung kinakabitan ng net ng volleybal at may circular cemented base???). Anyway, I think Tina J and Patring R dominated that game. They had the courage to stay so far away from their bases and tease the other cowardly team until they succumb to the bait. Imagine, early morning, our classes have not even started yet, and our uniforms are already so wet from the sweat and excitement. I really do miss those moments...

I remember conducting for the National Anthem several times when I was still in elementary. I even remember the sequence . . . National Anthem, Panatang Makabayan, Prayers. . . then . . . "get ready for the morning exercises!" Groan, groan, yuck, huwaaah! The hymn of exercise song is at the tip of my memory, but can't quite remember it exactly. Help me out anyone? =)

Didn't this slide looked taller and a thousand times more scarier back when we were still kids? Now it just seems so ordinary!

Prior to having our new swimming pool built, there was a lot of rumor about this cemented area located near the gym. They say a little girl drowned in this pool, and since then this area has been off-limits and have been covered to prevent any similar accidents. Ofcourse, you cannot go away with a few related ghost stories. My friends and I used to dare each other to go near this abandoned pool. All we ever saw that came close to a scare was a toad! =)

Who would forget Manang Vicky and Sister Tarsilda. I wish I knew when she passed away, so I could have visited her just one last time. Nobody smiles as warmly as she did whenever she gave me those chits during recess and lunch time. I miss you Sister Tarsilda, my mom and I loved you so dearly!

I still have a million memories I want to share. . . maybe I'll do that some other time. I wish I jogged your memory a little and made you remember a few wonderful memories you had in our beloved SHS.

God bless you, ye with pathetic lives!

Isn't it amazing how easy it is to tune-in to other people's lives nowadays? Why with just a simple click of a button, I am able to check up on my old friends, to see how they are doing, how much they have changed, how they have faired in life, and what they are currently up to. Why, I can even drop them messages and cute little graphic greetings. Technology never seizes to surprise me! You don't even have to memorize other people's telephone numbers nowadays, you just simply have to remember their names! hahaha...

What I am most curious of is what do you make of people who are NOT even your friends (people you particularly dislike/despise) but who often check-up on you via your personal sites? I am talking about those people who regularly visit your site just to simply get some gossip or to get a good laugh out of the things that are current and personal to you. The most laughable and pathetic part of it is they, more often than not, are the FIRST to view any updates about you! What'd they do, set an alarm or something? I used to get annoyed, now it's just sad! Are you waiting for me to put some news of something miserable and devastating about myself in any of my sites? Sure I will, life is not perfect. I am not a hypocrite as to portray my life as something it is not. But I suggest, you give little more focus to your own lives. It seems a tad boring and pathetic that you need to prey on other people to make yourselves feel good and superior. Tsk ... tsk ... tsk ... wawa naman kayo! =( hahahaha . . .

Friends, this is not about you. This is about some people I have encountered in the past who . . . let's just say would rather see me fail than be happy and succeed. I'm sure you also have your own share of experiences with this kind of people. I pray that we never run across them again!

And to you who take pleasure in bringing other people down, know that you are always in my prayers. I pray for God to give you the life you truly deserve.

Stay happy everyone! =)

Empty without you

What is the point to waking up when I can't wake up with you beside me. As much as I try to remember how it feels when you have your arms wrapped around me, I feel nothing but coldness. The movie I just watched, it speaks of love. I remember you, and I am filled with so much longing. I have so much work to do, and yet I cannot bring myself to start. All I want to do is close my eyes, and let time pass me by... praying that when I next open my eyes, you are here.

It's ridiculous, I know I should be used to this by now. But I can't, and I don't want to. I would like to believe that what we're feeling whenever we are apart is an accurate indication of how well we have taken care of our love. Hay, how I miss you so. Baby hurry back! =(

Committing to the unknown

Has it been that long? I don't know, what has happened to me. My stream of thoughts has become mere spurts of meaningless nothings. Let it be not a reflection of what I have become. I scan my mind. . . have you ever seen what comes after when a television network signs-off at night? A blank screen and that irritating steady beep . . . similar to the buzz you hear in your head when its too damn quiet. I cover my ears with both my hands and still it is there, that buzz. It's driving me insane!

I told my husband the other day that I didn't want to die alone. The trend seems to be going that way though. Can you be ever be accused of caring too much? I have lost friends because I cared too much. It's a flaw I have suffered for and still I wonder if He accuses me in the same way. If you love, can you stop and measure an acceptable amount? Can honesty be measured in the same way? How can I be a friend if I love you only this much and is only honest this much? I love, and because I love, you should not expect anything less than the truth. Apparently, the world does not work that way. And so it is destined that I should die alone.

Enough of lost friends, I have lost so much that losing has become just a trivial event in my life. You just become numb after awhile. Think of happy thoughts! hahaha =)

A friend at the office came at a very important realization today. Something which I have always believed in. He said, "God really did have a plan. The timing is perfect and the way it happened, everything just fell into place." Everytime this realization hits me, its as if God is validating every decision I had to make in order to come to this particular moment, this point in my life. I can almost hear God whispering to me, "What did I tell you? All you had to do was trust in Me." Isn't it a miracle in itself, just being able to somehow grasp a very miniscule part of the great tapestry of life?

It's similar to what Sylvia Browne explains, she says that every time we experience deja vu, its a brief recollection of our soul's blueprint. A validation that we are on track, that no matter how hard life has become, this is somehow the path you have to take to succeed in our quest to achieve perfection.

As of today, I am still eagerly waiting for this familiar realization to hit me. For God to whisper again in my ears. . . "I told you so." It has been a long stretch, has it not? My marriage, my miscarriage, changing jobs, changing careers, giving it up altogether, friends gained, friends lost. . . I wonder where this chapter ends?

Shanghai. I don't know. I guess I ought to be excited and happy. Finally getting the chance to just bum around, my friend calls it "palamunin!" Haha, I have been that half my life, why stop now? =) I am excited, very much looking forward to the life Myke and I will have there. Everytime I think about my family though, I feel like backing out and would rather just stay here. But I feel better now, being able to freely talk and plan about it with my mom. God please let it not happen while I am away. If you should grant me just one wish, let it be this.

Another birthday is coming, yet not really that much excited about it. Perhaps because I have already gotten my gift in advance! haha. . . I'm all set na, "tara na!"