Committing to the unknown

Has it been that long? I don't know, what has happened to me. My stream of thoughts has become mere spurts of meaningless nothings. Let it be not a reflection of what I have become. I scan my mind. . . have you ever seen what comes after when a television network signs-off at night? A blank screen and that irritating steady beep . . . similar to the buzz you hear in your head when its too damn quiet. I cover my ears with both my hands and still it is there, that buzz. It's driving me insane!

I told my husband the other day that I didn't want to die alone. The trend seems to be going that way though. Can you be ever be accused of caring too much? I have lost friends because I cared too much. It's a flaw I have suffered for and still I wonder if He accuses me in the same way. If you love, can you stop and measure an acceptable amount? Can honesty be measured in the same way? How can I be a friend if I love you only this much and is only honest this much? I love, and because I love, you should not expect anything less than the truth. Apparently, the world does not work that way. And so it is destined that I should die alone.

Enough of lost friends, I have lost so much that losing has become just a trivial event in my life. You just become numb after awhile. Think of happy thoughts! hahaha =)

A friend at the office came at a very important realization today. Something which I have always believed in. He said, "God really did have a plan. The timing is perfect and the way it happened, everything just fell into place." Everytime this realization hits me, its as if God is validating every decision I had to make in order to come to this particular moment, this point in my life. I can almost hear God whispering to me, "What did I tell you? All you had to do was trust in Me." Isn't it a miracle in itself, just being able to somehow grasp a very miniscule part of the great tapestry of life?

It's similar to what Sylvia Browne explains, she says that every time we experience deja vu, its a brief recollection of our soul's blueprint. A validation that we are on track, that no matter how hard life has become, this is somehow the path you have to take to succeed in our quest to achieve perfection.

As of today, I am still eagerly waiting for this familiar realization to hit me. For God to whisper again in my ears. . . "I told you so." It has been a long stretch, has it not? My marriage, my miscarriage, changing jobs, changing careers, giving it up altogether, friends gained, friends lost. . . I wonder where this chapter ends?

Shanghai. I don't know. I guess I ought to be excited and happy. Finally getting the chance to just bum around, my friend calls it "palamunin!" Haha, I have been that half my life, why stop now? =) I am excited, very much looking forward to the life Myke and I will have there. Everytime I think about my family though, I feel like backing out and would rather just stay here. But I feel better now, being able to freely talk and plan about it with my mom. God please let it not happen while I am away. If you should grant me just one wish, let it be this.

Another birthday is coming, yet not really that much excited about it. Perhaps because I have already gotten my gift in advance! haha. . . I'm all set na, "tara na!"