Sara and her younger sister Teret
Monday, May 31, 2004
God's call
Whatever events that transpired during the day, it all pales in comparison to the news I heard when I got home.
Sara. When my brother took her home, she was a heavy bundle of pure joy. Her cheeks were full and rosy. Her cheeks were so plump that her eyes seemed like two slits of eyelashes across her face. She wasn't a crier at all. She just slept soundly in her secure warm blanket. She was beautiful.
I remember when I was still in highschool, each day I arrived from school in the afternoon, I'd lie at her side and pull on her "duyan" being ever so careful to make those swings even or else suffer the burst of tears and wails that come with disturbed sleep. I'd often tell her the story where I accidentally dropped her milk bottle on her head. Ofcourse, it didn't make her dumb. It made her even more perfect.
My Sara. She used to love to sing with any Disney song, or even Smokey Mountain's "da coconut nut." She would often dance with them... I could go on forever. Twelve years I've spent loving her as if she were my own.
At a very early age, I think around 6, she inherited her moms diabetes. She has been living on insulin since then. She injects at least 2 shots of insulin per day, just to normalize her blood sugar. And I'm so proud that at a very early age, she has learned the discipline of control in what she eats, and in injecting her shots herself.
Today, we learned that Sara has gotten complications on her kidneys. We haven't been told exactly what kind of complications, but we know that this is just the beginning of a series of complications that may come with her sickness.
One thing most scares me though, diabetes is deadly.
I can't go on...I'm sorry.
Sara. When my brother took her home, she was a heavy bundle of pure joy. Her cheeks were full and rosy. Her cheeks were so plump that her eyes seemed like two slits of eyelashes across her face. She wasn't a crier at all. She just slept soundly in her secure warm blanket. She was beautiful.
I remember when I was still in highschool, each day I arrived from school in the afternoon, I'd lie at her side and pull on her "duyan" being ever so careful to make those swings even or else suffer the burst of tears and wails that come with disturbed sleep. I'd often tell her the story where I accidentally dropped her milk bottle on her head. Ofcourse, it didn't make her dumb. It made her even more perfect.
My Sara. She used to love to sing with any Disney song, or even Smokey Mountain's "da coconut nut." She would often dance with them... I could go on forever. Twelve years I've spent loving her as if she were my own.
At a very early age, I think around 6, she inherited her moms diabetes. She has been living on insulin since then. She injects at least 2 shots of insulin per day, just to normalize her blood sugar. And I'm so proud that at a very early age, she has learned the discipline of control in what she eats, and in injecting her shots herself.
Today, we learned that Sara has gotten complications on her kidneys. We haven't been told exactly what kind of complications, but we know that this is just the beginning of a series of complications that may come with her sickness.
One thing most scares me though, diabetes is deadly.
I can't go on...I'm sorry.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Memory Lapses, Big Surprises!
Hmmmm... Today went on smoothly. I did have a hard time falling asleep last night though. Something was definitely wrong with my body chemistry. My body seemed to itch all over, and it was a terribly hot night. Comfort overtook me only when I took a quick shower at 3:00 am. Still, I had to watch a few reruns of Friends before I finally fell asleep. I slept 'till 11:am this morning. It was not as fulfilling as it would have been. I guess I am still a little bothered by my petty fight with my friend.
Anyway, I so wanted to take my sister out today, perhaps to go see that movie -- "The Day After Tomorrow." But laziness overtook me, instead I urged them to watch a DVD with me. I ended up watching the movie by myself. Let's just say my sister seem to have inherited my moms infamous trait of falling asleep while watching a perfectly interesting movie. They did wake up towards the end though, when I was all sobbing and tears streaking down my face. "So Close." Hahaha, who would have thought this movie was even worth watching. It was absolutely great! Myke was right. The stunts are amazing, and it definitely had heart.
Myke and I were expecting a check to clear today. Only it took me by surprise that my current account balance has gone below as expected. I was shocked and bewildered. Hehehe, I couldn't eat for a minute. I found it unbelievable that I'd have withdrwan passed that amount. Hmmmm... I checked my account statement online immediately and ofcourse, there it was. My tuition fee.
Memory lapses. I often have that. I don't know what chemical my brain lacks, but I definitely have a terrible memory. From all the things I should forget, money should never be one them.
The day is most uneventful, but I am so thankful just the same. I spent it with my family topped with a few hours with Myke. It couldn't be more perfect.
One things for sure though, I'll hate tomorrow.
Anyway, I so wanted to take my sister out today, perhaps to go see that movie -- "The Day After Tomorrow." But laziness overtook me, instead I urged them to watch a DVD with me. I ended up watching the movie by myself. Let's just say my sister seem to have inherited my moms infamous trait of falling asleep while watching a perfectly interesting movie. They did wake up towards the end though, when I was all sobbing and tears streaking down my face. "So Close." Hahaha, who would have thought this movie was even worth watching. It was absolutely great! Myke was right. The stunts are amazing, and it definitely had heart.
Myke and I were expecting a check to clear today. Only it took me by surprise that my current account balance has gone below as expected. I was shocked and bewildered. Hehehe, I couldn't eat for a minute. I found it unbelievable that I'd have withdrwan passed that amount. Hmmmm... I checked my account statement online immediately and ofcourse, there it was. My tuition fee.
Memory lapses. I often have that. I don't know what chemical my brain lacks, but I definitely have a terrible memory. From all the things I should forget, money should never be one them.
The day is most uneventful, but I am so thankful just the same. I spent it with my family topped with a few hours with Myke. It couldn't be more perfect.
One things for sure though, I'll hate tomorrow.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
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Screwed yet so blessed
I slept restlessly last night knowing that I went into a state of unconsciousness still in a fight with my bf. Translation -- I haven't given him hell yet for his offenses.
Sometimes I reflect upon myself and try to undertsand why I am so, or what has made me so. Was I so terribly abused in my childhood that I have become to brutally numb and sadistic in manners? I really don't understand it myself. Perhaps I was raised in an environment where I always had to be perfect or suffer the loss of love, or withstand the injustice of being compared to others more perfect in their eyes. Is that what made me like this? To express my displeasure or disappointment by inflicting emotional pain on a loved one? Sometimes I live in fear that one day I'd lose them one by one, not because I wasn't perfect in their eyes, but because I pushed them away. Perhaps I do push people away, afterall they are one more person to please, to suffer the pain of rejection yet again.
My bf. He is perfect. I can't say I have ever been loved so purely and so intensely by anyone else including my family. Why do I hurt him so? I don't know. Perhaps its fear that makes me this way. Most of our fights start because of insecurity, whenever I feel his affection and attention in me is waining. Whenever I feel he has not done something heroic to prove that he does infact love me. Yes, I believe it is this -- insecurity. What better way to hide this feeling, this fear that he would one day leave me, but to push him away now, now that I still hold his heart in my hands. Sometimes I look at him and believe in my heart that this man too will leave me, like so many other friends who have abandoned me and given up on me. Perhaps, I will end up like my sister, alone and lonely. Perhaps, I will die with only my sister at my side. A tragic life, my life.
I fought with a friend today. Another who I may have lost yet again. I guess some people are only there when they need you, but never there when you need them. I often observe my friends while we have intimate talks together. I notice that most of the time during these little talks, they talk and I listen. There would be rare instances where I am able to share bits and pieces of my problems with them, but conversations about it would come only in passing. It always does return to their own. There are just a rare few who are selfless enough.
Hay, Liza. I was afraid for a while that I may have lost her too. A confused one, that friend. But confused or not, hurt or pissed, she has always been there. I really do miss her. But I understand that she needs space and time to reflect upon her life.
Ofcourse there is Rina. A friend lost. Memory of her gives me immense pain. I don't enjoy thinking about her much now. I thought I knew her, but now I'm beginning to doubt my assumptions. I don't know what happened. I just lost her.
So you see? I am screwed. I lose people close to me one by one, some I pushed away while some chose to go. But screwed as I am, I am still infact blessed. From all the people dearest to me, one who has gotten the worse from me is still standing by.
Myke, I love you and thank you for enduring me.
Sometimes I reflect upon myself and try to undertsand why I am so, or what has made me so. Was I so terribly abused in my childhood that I have become to brutally numb and sadistic in manners? I really don't understand it myself. Perhaps I was raised in an environment where I always had to be perfect or suffer the loss of love, or withstand the injustice of being compared to others more perfect in their eyes. Is that what made me like this? To express my displeasure or disappointment by inflicting emotional pain on a loved one? Sometimes I live in fear that one day I'd lose them one by one, not because I wasn't perfect in their eyes, but because I pushed them away. Perhaps I do push people away, afterall they are one more person to please, to suffer the pain of rejection yet again.
My bf. He is perfect. I can't say I have ever been loved so purely and so intensely by anyone else including my family. Why do I hurt him so? I don't know. Perhaps its fear that makes me this way. Most of our fights start because of insecurity, whenever I feel his affection and attention in me is waining. Whenever I feel he has not done something heroic to prove that he does infact love me. Yes, I believe it is this -- insecurity. What better way to hide this feeling, this fear that he would one day leave me, but to push him away now, now that I still hold his heart in my hands. Sometimes I look at him and believe in my heart that this man too will leave me, like so many other friends who have abandoned me and given up on me. Perhaps, I will end up like my sister, alone and lonely. Perhaps, I will die with only my sister at my side. A tragic life, my life.
I fought with a friend today. Another who I may have lost yet again. I guess some people are only there when they need you, but never there when you need them. I often observe my friends while we have intimate talks together. I notice that most of the time during these little talks, they talk and I listen. There would be rare instances where I am able to share bits and pieces of my problems with them, but conversations about it would come only in passing. It always does return to their own. There are just a rare few who are selfless enough.
Hay, Liza. I was afraid for a while that I may have lost her too. A confused one, that friend. But confused or not, hurt or pissed, she has always been there. I really do miss her. But I understand that she needs space and time to reflect upon her life.
Ofcourse there is Rina. A friend lost. Memory of her gives me immense pain. I don't enjoy thinking about her much now. I thought I knew her, but now I'm beginning to doubt my assumptions. I don't know what happened. I just lost her.
So you see? I am screwed. I lose people close to me one by one, some I pushed away while some chose to go. But screwed as I am, I am still infact blessed. From all the people dearest to me, one who has gotten the worse from me is still standing by.
Myke, I love you and thank you for enduring me.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Loving thy enemies. . .
I woke up with a sudden jolt of realization that I've been snoozing for 20 whole minutes. Oh my God! Those 20 fat minutes could result to an hour of tardiness if I don't get going! Fortunately, Katya didn't poop all over the bathroom floor like she did yesterday. Eeewww, just thinking about its smell, and how I have to brush my teeth with its stench lingering in my nostrils just makes me gag. Yuck!
Time to face the monsters of work one last time, for the week that is. Hmmm, I wonder how they took my leaving work early yesterday. I practically ran from the front door to my cubicle, hoping the monster did not see me... then again, so what if he saw me running from my cubicle to the pantry with my take-out from McDonalds wrapped securely around my chest with both arms? He never seems to eat anyway.
Work, work, work. Hmmm... what to do? I have so much to do, I can't seem to focus on one single task. On top of all my work, I had to attend this meeting. Unfortunately, because of my absence, they have posponed the meeting scheduled yeterday. But all in good fortune, I didn't exactly hate the meeting. I did have a little fun listening to my officemates aggravations. Hey, don't be such a hypocrite! We all enjoy hearing a little of other people's misfortunes. It gives us a feeling of balance and assurance.
I told Liza today that indeed life is never certain. Once, my personal life was a mess while my career thrived with blessings. Now, it is the other way around. I am humiliated and unfulfilled with both work and my studies. At least I am experiencing some peace at home lately. I wonder when the wheels will start to turn on me again...
Hmmm... I have to work late today. Myke has his badminton game tonight, so I have to endure an additional 3 hours of work.
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up" Myke told me all about the story of this congressman making a scene while canvassing votes. Wish I could also shout that out to the world, to time. There are instances in my life where I just want lie flat and still on the ground and let time pass me by. When life seems so overwhelming, when everything seems to go wrong. Won't it be so much easier? Heehee, reminds me of Anne Rice's vampire chronicles. Vampires, when they get so tired of life, they sorta hibernate and bury themselves into the depths of the earth and listen to the noise of the earth. Won't I love to be able to do that sometimes. To just hear. The noise in my head hinders me from hearing the sound of the wind that softly brushes against my face so soothing, so comforting. The pain in my head blinds me from seeing the wonderful colors of dusk as the sun meets the peaceful horizon, burying itself and leaving traces of spetacular colors in the clouds that graze the darkening sky. Huuuhh, won't it be nice to just live for yourself for a while. To be part of everything. To be part of nothing. To just be.
The pain in my head is becoming more insistent. Hmmm.... what should I do? I should have asked the nurse for some medicine when I was there earlier... I should just start working.
Time to face the monsters of work one last time, for the week that is. Hmmm, I wonder how they took my leaving work early yesterday. I practically ran from the front door to my cubicle, hoping the monster did not see me... then again, so what if he saw me running from my cubicle to the pantry with my take-out from McDonalds wrapped securely around my chest with both arms? He never seems to eat anyway.
Work, work, work. Hmmm... what to do? I have so much to do, I can't seem to focus on one single task. On top of all my work, I had to attend this meeting. Unfortunately, because of my absence, they have posponed the meeting scheduled yeterday. But all in good fortune, I didn't exactly hate the meeting. I did have a little fun listening to my officemates aggravations. Hey, don't be such a hypocrite! We all enjoy hearing a little of other people's misfortunes. It gives us a feeling of balance and assurance.
I told Liza today that indeed life is never certain. Once, my personal life was a mess while my career thrived with blessings. Now, it is the other way around. I am humiliated and unfulfilled with both work and my studies. At least I am experiencing some peace at home lately. I wonder when the wheels will start to turn on me again...
Hmmm... I have to work late today. Myke has his badminton game tonight, so I have to endure an additional 3 hours of work.
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up" Myke told me all about the story of this congressman making a scene while canvassing votes. Wish I could also shout that out to the world, to time. There are instances in my life where I just want lie flat and still on the ground and let time pass me by. When life seems so overwhelming, when everything seems to go wrong. Won't it be so much easier? Heehee, reminds me of Anne Rice's vampire chronicles. Vampires, when they get so tired of life, they sorta hibernate and bury themselves into the depths of the earth and listen to the noise of the earth. Won't I love to be able to do that sometimes. To just hear. The noise in my head hinders me from hearing the sound of the wind that softly brushes against my face so soothing, so comforting. The pain in my head blinds me from seeing the wonderful colors of dusk as the sun meets the peaceful horizon, burying itself and leaving traces of spetacular colors in the clouds that graze the darkening sky. Huuuhh, won't it be nice to just live for yourself for a while. To be part of everything. To be part of nothing. To just be.
The pain in my head is becoming more insistent. Hmmm.... what should I do? I should have asked the nurse for some medicine when I was there earlier... I should just start working.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Suck up or drop out!
Hmmmm... there goes my mom's dreadful knocks! I felt so damn sleepy this morning I almost banged the door in my moms face. I dragged my ass out of bed today with a little bit more hesitation and dread than I normally do. After much debate within myself and between friends, I still haven't decided what to do. I've been on leave from school for two terms now, and I've just bravely but blindly enrolled. After a day of class, my thesis proposal gets sacked and now I am left with a terrible dilemma -- to suck up all the courage I have and pray to all the saints in heaven that I can come up with a credible thesis topic within two weeks, or drop now so I can get a 90% refund on my humongous tuition fee. Hmmm... to drop or not to drop!
Being at the office doesn't help at all. First, because my office is an ice age waiting to happen, perhaps because it is full of cold, insensitive, insincere people. Second, because my boss is an incompetent 75k/mo. piece of shit. I again have to "INFORM" him that I am taking a halfday leave. As expected, he asked for all details of my frequent leave. Like, hello? I have only took 2 halfday leaves prior to this, all in connection to my enrollment. Shouldn't he be more supportive about me completing my masteral degree? Afterall, its completion would potentially help our company (well, actually not, because I am definitely resigning soon! Real soon!) Why don't he go pick on my other officemates who took leaves from work just so they can spend days under the Palawan sun, or smell the Baguio air. My reason is more worthwhile, don't you think? I really do hate him!
Why wasn't I told I could drop online?!? Well, any reason that can keep me off from work is fine by me. Let's just say, I'm developing a liking to the process of dropping. Far, far more easier than enrolling! Haha! Yes, I dropped! And I feel a whole of a lot better!
My boyfriend forgot to call me the whole day! Hmmm... he's gonna get it! I can't really say I like giving him a hard time apologizing. I don't know. Perhaps it's my way of saying ~ how could you not think of me, when I think of you every minute? Haha!
The Day After Tomorrow. A great movie i must say. Great effects and totally realistic if you asked me. Three things I didn't like though: a) Why did the president have to die? 2) What good did it do that Jack went after his son? His son would have been saved without him coming. 3) How will they ever get all those ice out of the northern hemisphere? Melt it and create another flood? Break the ice and transport it to the north ice polar caps again? Hmmmm... tricky problem!
Hay, my body aches all over. Friday. I love friday when it's 5 o'clock! That means work is over, I don't get to see my boss for two whole days, I wouldn't have to hear my officemates complain about their salary and reimbursements expecting me to do something about their every concern (I'm the payroll master), I get to oversleep tomorrow, and I get to spend time with my family and loved ones.
I'd hate Sunday to come!
Being at the office doesn't help at all. First, because my office is an ice age waiting to happen, perhaps because it is full of cold, insensitive, insincere people. Second, because my boss is an incompetent 75k/mo. piece of shit. I again have to "INFORM" him that I am taking a halfday leave. As expected, he asked for all details of my frequent leave. Like, hello? I have only took 2 halfday leaves prior to this, all in connection to my enrollment. Shouldn't he be more supportive about me completing my masteral degree? Afterall, its completion would potentially help our company (well, actually not, because I am definitely resigning soon! Real soon!) Why don't he go pick on my other officemates who took leaves from work just so they can spend days under the Palawan sun, or smell the Baguio air. My reason is more worthwhile, don't you think? I really do hate him!
Why wasn't I told I could drop online?!? Well, any reason that can keep me off from work is fine by me. Let's just say, I'm developing a liking to the process of dropping. Far, far more easier than enrolling! Haha! Yes, I dropped! And I feel a whole of a lot better!
My boyfriend forgot to call me the whole day! Hmmm... he's gonna get it! I can't really say I like giving him a hard time apologizing. I don't know. Perhaps it's my way of saying ~ how could you not think of me, when I think of you every minute? Haha!
The Day After Tomorrow. A great movie i must say. Great effects and totally realistic if you asked me. Three things I didn't like though: a) Why did the president have to die? 2) What good did it do that Jack went after his son? His son would have been saved without him coming. 3) How will they ever get all those ice out of the northern hemisphere? Melt it and create another flood? Break the ice and transport it to the north ice polar caps again? Hmmmm... tricky problem!
Hay, my body aches all over. Friday. I love friday when it's 5 o'clock! That means work is over, I don't get to see my boss for two whole days, I wouldn't have to hear my officemates complain about their salary and reimbursements expecting me to do something about their every concern (I'm the payroll master), I get to oversleep tomorrow, and I get to spend time with my family and loved ones.
I'd hate Sunday to come!
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