Joyful changes

1. Eating 3 full meals everyday, sometimes more, without being too conscious about weight.
2. Eating rice, bread, cereal (carbo overload ito! hehehe) with each meal yet, for some miraculous reason, not seem to gain as much weight as I would have in my usual unpregnant state.
3. No more sugary sweets for me....well, too much that is...huhuhu You know scientific studies have shown that pregnant mommies who indulged in a little chocolate once in while have shown that their babies smiled and laughed more than those who completely deprived themselves. See, pwede kaya!
4. No more junk foods! huhuhu This one's really necessary, unless gusto mo manasin ka nang bonggang bongga.
5. Never used to pee so much. I used to pee max of 4x a day. Now, I am leaking pee, literally!
6. I have drank half the water in La Mesa Dam. Peed, 1/4 of it, and retained the rest in my body. If you pinched me, I'd leak water....from somewhere....hehehehe =)
7. For the first time in my life, I take pride in watching my belly grow bigger each day. Perlas na bilog, wag tutulog-tulog...sabihin sa akin kung boy o girl ka! hehehe...
8. Does it ever happen to you when you brush your teeth and the toothpaste suds would fall on your shirt and stain it white? Well it always happened to me then, but it used to fall on my breasts, now it falls directly on my tummy!!! It seems my tummy has grown bigger than my boobs! Waaaah! How unsexy!
9. When I bend down, I cannot see my ..... (let's just say, not my feet!!! hahahaha)
10. I have not had a good night's sleep since forever! I can never get into the right position, or if I do, I am plagued with these weird, nonsensical dreams.

Most important of all, I have never felt sexier! hahahaha...oooh la la...bwahahahaha =)

The story of you

Possible day of conception: July 16, 2008 (Sorry, specifics are private and defiintely not meant for all audiences/readers...hehehe)

August 8, 2008:
Mommy casually informs Daddy that that day was the 36th day of her cycle (Normal cycle for Mommy is 33-35 days). Daddy gives Mommy a joking yet daring look saying: "Anong sinasabe mo?" Daring her to admit, yet again, in giving in to the hope that this month can possibly be THE month. Mommy ofcourse denies, and tells Daddy that she was merely informing him and not indicating or assuming anything.

You must understand baby that Daddy and Mommy have been through many heartbreaks (1 failed pregnancy and 2 years of waiting), and hoping has become our primary enemy and source of many of our previous disappointments. Because of this, we have become averse to it...well outwardly that is. In our hearts we both knew that with each month that passed, we still hoped and we still expected THE miracle to happen every time.

Every other day thereafter, Mommy will casually inform Daddy of the count in her cycle, and Daddy will reply the exact same thing. Mommy will do just the same.

August 18, 2008 @ 11 pm, 47th day in my cycle:
Daddy and Mommy were watching Evan Almighty on HBO that night. Mommy was having a bit of a headache, but still nothing out of the ordinary. Though we both denied in hoping, Daddy has forbidden Mommy to take any kind of medicine. So, Mommy had to suck it all up and try her best to live with the pain.

August 19, 2008 @ 1-6 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache has reached its ultimate peak. Drums were beginning to bang in her head. Sleep was impossible having now a complete rock band playing something nasty. Daddy was fast asleep, as usual. Mommy tried vomiting, wishing it will somehow alleviate the pressure. She vomited until she was vomiting air, still it did little help. She tried taking a bath, wondering if it was just the heat that's causing all the excruciating pain. Mommy went back to bed, closed her eyes and just prayed...prayed for silence. That night, absolutely no sleep for Mommy.

August 19, 2008 @ 6:30 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy's alarm went off. Daddy took a shower and got dressed for work. Mommy's headache was still pounding, but drowsiness from lack of sleep was beginning to creep in and little by little the pain began to subside. Daddy kissed Mommy goodbye. Mommy's headache was now controllable but she began experiencing another sensation. She felt as if she had run a mile...heart racing...banging. Mommy was very afraid.

August 19, 2008 @ 9 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy's headache was totally gone, and her racing heart has returned to normal. Mommy had to immediately consult with a friend, and so she went online and chatted with one of her dearest friends-Kat Lee. Mommy was very alarmed! Her period was incredible late, she was having headaches from hell, and experiencing sudden episodes of heart palpitations. If Mommy was not pregnant, then it could just mean that her body has gone haywire (hormones have completely gone astray plus a possible heart condition). Perhaps, her symptoms would merit her an immediate visit to a doctor, which in Shanghai is not an easy feat. Kat advised Mommy to take a pregnancy test, afterall Mommy did brought 3 kits with her from home (Phil). At that point, Mommy knew she had no choice but to finally face facts. It's either she was indeed pregnant or she was incredibly sick and in trouble.

August 19, 2008 @ 10 am, 48th day in my cycle:
Mommy took courage, prayed, and finally took the pregnancy test. It was difficult to look at the strip and wait for the lines to appear. Mommy have had so many disappointing moments with a dozen other strips in the past. When Mommy saw the two pink lines, tears sprang to her eyes, and there was just so much prayer and thanksgiving. Ofcourse, Mommy told Kat her great news, and she was also overjoyed.

Note: When Kat first became pregnant and found out about it, Mommy was also one of the first persons she told and even showed her strip to. We were in a cubicle in the office comfort room, both of us crying in joy.

August 19, 2008 @ 4:30 pm, 48th day in my cycle:
Daddy came home early from work because he knew Mommy was sick and not feeling well. But before he reached home, Mommy had already pinned a note on the door saying "Bibi, uuwi na ba ako?" with my test strip taped on the piece of paper. When Daddy managed to open the door he was hysterical and almost unbelieving. When the news finally sunk in, Daddy hugged Mommy, we danced and cried at the same time. Even though Daddy and Mommy promised each other that we will not tell anybody the news except our families, Daddy could not help himself and immediately told the news to his office assistant. I think we had cheezy crust pizza that night!

August 28, 2008 @ 4:00 pm, 7 weeks on the way:
Daddy and Mommy arrived home (Phil.) very early that morning and that same afternoon we saw you for the very first time. You were perfect!

To the readers: Sorry for the crudeness in my writing, I have been meaning to write these events down for so long and I just have to finally do it, otherwise risk forgetting the dates and specifics of the events. None of my usual drama here, just plain narration. hehehe =)

All I want for Christmas...

is YOU.

A book I once read said...

A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. Both emotions we feel towards someone we obviously care intensely about to love so much or to hate so much. Lately, in my current state of abandonment, I am beginning to think that what the author said is true. Is it really possible to love a person so much that your love becomes to uncontrollable that it transcends to hatred?

I am ashamed to admit that though I have been so generously blessed by God, I am harboring a brewing hatred in my heart. Everyday I try to deny it and try to subdue it, hoping that I can somehow hide the feeling from my child. I pray hard at night seeking for comfort, for God to take away my pain and leave me with nothing else but pure joy for the miracle I have been given. I am so filled with shame for feeling anything other than gratefulness...but God knows...and I know.

I was watching Desperate Housewives earlier this evening and a scene towards the end of the show made me cry with a startling realization. Bree and Orson were having a fight. It was brought on by Orson's insecurity over Bree's smashing success. Everybody envied Bree, because she had everything -- she was a celebrity, not to mention named Business Woman of the Year. But nobody knew that despite all the glitz and glamor, at night, Bree slept in a bed by herself, her husband choosing to sleep in a guest room than sleep with her in their king-sized bed. To appease Orson's depleted ego, Bree gave him a chef's hat...silently saying that her success is very much his own. And Orson, with his ego obviously reinforced, climbs back into Bree's bed and hugs his wife warmly.

In a way, I am very much like Bree. I should be at the top of the world. I have everything I could ever want...every night I pray to God and tell Him that I am content. But just like Bree, every night I go to sleep in my bed...alone. Nothing but my tears and my loneliness to lull me to sleep. Seeing Orson climb back into Bree's bed made me realize how much I miss having someone. It made me realize that each day that passes my loneliness is being transformed into hatred. Yes, I am narrow-minded and self-centered...give me a break, I am pregnant am I not?
In the same way and the same intensity that I love you, I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you because I have to sleep alone in bed at night. I hate you for robbing me of my excitement. I hate you for not sharing and being witness to some of the most important moments in my life and in our child's. I hate you for making me feel this way, when all I should be feeling now is joy. I hate you for making me feel so guilty. I hate you for not making me feel as special as other husbands make their pregnant wives feel. I hate you for all the things that I am missing. I hate you for leaving me only half alive. I hate you for making this time in our lives seem not as perfect as it ought to be.

I hate you for not being able to climb into our bed and put your arms around me to make all my hate and loneliness to go away...

You ask me why I need to justify the reasons why we are apart? It is because I have to convince myself every single day that all these sacrifice is for some greater good. I need to believe that the costs are less than the benefits. It is because I need to find reasons not to hate you.

A book I once read said that there is a no difference between love and hate. I have never hated anyone in my life. Yet now the person I most love is the person I hate most.