Now what???

Ah hehehehe. . . Sayang eh. . .

Should I write on it?
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T*W*I*S*T*E*D*!

I'll finally get it tomorrow!

After so many cups, fraps and lattes. . . tomorrow I shall finally get what I have earned -- my very own starbucks 2007 planner!!! Ano naman kung nanginginig na ako sa nerbyos db? And ano naman kung nagpauto ako, eh I could have bought a similar planner in nbs at a price less than 500 pesos? It's for the "spark of hope" chuva nga eh!!! Yuck, basta ingget lang kayo. . . joke! After I drink my last cup of toffee nut latte tomorrow. . . I'm temporarily resigning from drinking coffee. Afterall, I wouldn't want those stains on my teeth! Sorry bebe, looks like you're on your own now. bwahahahahaha! Salamat sa lahat ng sticker mo ha!

Guess I'll just have to settle for nesvita then! Hehehehe . . . pakita ko planner sa inyo tom! babayushki!

A very inspiring manager asked us that. In trying times, I admit, I too ask myself that. "When you wake up and don't feel excited anymore about working, it means you have to get out." I say, amen to that!

This morning, while I was taking a bath, shivering to death from the icy water that froze overnight, I thought to myself. . . am I miserable because I hate my work or is it just because I hate the process of waking up? And it struck me, I am not miserable at all. I am truly excited about what I do. Having finally found what I enjoy doing most, I find myself filled with fear. . . fear of something going wrong, fear of finding I'm no good at this, fear that I don't have the same excuse as I had before -- I really do hate acocunting.

Well see how it goes with work. . . at this point, I am convinced that I am in a better place, much much better.

I just want to share and forever remember what this very wise manager told us today. A person who is the best need never look back and compete against his peers, because the person running nearest him is so far behind for him to be concerned or worried about. A person who is the best need only compete with himself, because he need only to compete with his last performance. This I believe, and how she articulated exactly how I felt. . . I have the highest respect for her.
I work, yes because I need financial stability. But more than anything else, I work to prove to myself, more than anyone else, that I have value. I am not out there because I want to make the world see that I am the best, that I am better than everybody else. I work because I want to be part of something bigger, something more than myself.

She adds with a question, "Does a high performing team always end as an achiever?" I'd answer this as "not always," but it does not change the fact that the team is performing well. I have been part of amazing teams in the past. And our endeavors do not always end up on the top. But win or not. . . I always end up feeling a winner, because we have conquered something bigger than mere recognition. We have conquered each other. When I say conquer, I mean. . . we have learned to deal and accept each other, to work together, laugh together, to panic together, to stay nights together, to pray together, to cry in defeat (sometimes). Doing all these things with a group of people who you start as "not knowing but just mere acquaintances" and end up being more like brothers and sisters, for me that is the greatest achievement.

After having been deprived of having this kind of team for so long, I am yearning to be part of a team like this. A team where every one is valued. A team who wins together and accepts defeat together. A team who, in the office are my colleagues, but at the same time my friends to the core.

If I can earn this in my current organization, then I can finally say: "I am at the right place!"

A nice change

7:30 am, I awoke with a start, as my husband shook the bed fiercely literally forcing me out of bed. He was again the 8-year old child I so often witness, whenever he becomes so excited about something. Yesterday was Pacquiao's final match with Morales, and we were suppose to watch it together with friends on pay per view. And so, though I slept at ungodly hour of 3am that evening, or should I say morning, I dragged my ass out of bed to reluctantly take my morning bath.

As I predicted, the game did not start for another 2 hours or so, so we ended up waiting, sitting in bed, all dressed up watching the attempt on President Reigan's life on Discovery channel. We didn't leave until a little past 9:30, arriving at Myke's friend's eatery just in time to watch Villoria's disappointing match end to a draw. Waiting was such a pain in the ass, as we sat watching. . . hoping the next two matches end early via TKO.

When Manny's turn came, I was just amazed to see. The small eatery was filled to the brim. Everybody at the edge of their seats, a bottle of beer in one hand. Each swearing to kill the man who accidentally changes the channel or trips over the power. And so the game began, after more than 3 hours of waiting.

There's not much to tell about the match, except that it was awesome! Manny was in great shape, and Morales was so frail. If the match had gone on, Manny would have beaten Morales to a bloody pulp. Anyway, the game was as wonderful as I expected, but something else made it more enjoyable as it would have been if I'd have watched it on TV at home. To hear the woahs and shouts of joy, wails of nervousness and endless clapping from the strangers that surrounded me in the small cramped-up eatery, to see them jump for joy. . .or kick the TV in frustration. . . it gave me a sense of belonging. A feeling that I only feel when Ginebra wins! hehehehe. . . I felt proud not only of Manny, but of the Filipinos who united in support of one cause. . . hehehe, I know ang babaw coz it's just a boxing match. . . but how often do we see Filipinos act united about something? I'll take any chance I can get!

Anyway, so much for Pacman fever. . . Truth is the nice change happened today. I spent the whole day in training, taking advantage of 5-10 minute breaks to squeeze in some work. Training ended at a little over 5:30, almost 6 I guess, afterwhich I again returned working on my project. At 7:30, Myke called me saying that he's downstairs waiting to pick me up. Hmmm, the first time in a long time did I hesitate to leave the office. I actually thought about it - if I should continue working or go down and go home. My God! I may finally be enjoying what I do, could I?

I'll keep my fingers crossed. Wish ko lang!

It's so scary, yet at the same time amazing!!!!

The most amazing thing happened yesterday. If you would remember I was reminiscing about my brother just yesterday night, saying it would be nice to take a rest from this world, and that perhaps one day soon he will have the chance to give me a tour of the afterlife (abnormal thoughts from a twisted individual who desperately needs a break from life).

Anyway, yesterday, we were in my parent’s house to make our regular weekend visit. We agreed we’d spend the night there, as we arrived late in the afternoon, and I feel terribly guilty to have to leave in a haste. . . not spending some quality time with them first. Myke had to go out to have dinner with one of his suppliers, so I let him while I stayed at home and watched a couple of DVDs with my mom and sister. While waiting for Myke that night, I busied myself writing my blog – “Never again!” He got home at around 1am in the morning, and due to some petty misunderstanding, Myke and I went into an argument. We were in bed, the lights were off. . . no, no, no. . . this is not some kinky story!!! We were in bed, the lights were off and I was arguing with him. It was one of those long irresolvable arguments, and so we fought for quite some time. During the time of pag-iinarte. . . I was crying and in my twisted mind I remembered my blog and silently talked to my brother. . . saying that he take me now. . . over and over I begged him for him to take me. . . saying that one can have everything and still not be happy . . I asked him why I was so discontent when I seem to already have so much. In frustration (you see I can be a very formidable opponent) my husband went outside (to the family room) sat in a sofa and sulked surrounded by nothing but darkness. He stared blankly ahead when he noticed the light in the room just beside mine seem to be open. He can see the light peaking out of the bottom of the door. He thought it strange because we had the second floor of our house entirely to ourselves, and nobody has occupied that room ever since my second brother left when he finally got a house of his own. I guess he was already a little scared at this point, but what made him run hysterically back to my room was when he heard the door knob slowly turn, and the door slightly swings open. . . (yeah, yeah. . . I also thought this could just be the wind but what happens next convinces me otherwise) His right arm up to his nape suddenly felt unbearably cold, and all the hair on his right arm and nape stand on end. This was the point that he ran back to my room and jumped back into bed asking me if he can snuggle closer to me. Ofcourse, I have no idea what happened, and since I was still mad. . . I told him to stay away. He couldn’t do anything but to crumple like a ball, shivering and uneasily turning from one position to another. I thought this normal as he’d often do this whenever we fight. . . but there was something about what he said as he murmured incoherent words to me. . . all I understood was. . . “mame, nakakita ako!” And all my anger was washed away by pure shock, amazement, fear and perhaps guilt. He was so scared, I didn’t know how else to stay angry at him. Anyway, in the dark he told me everything that happened, and for God’s sake!!! He wanted me to go out there to look if the light is really open and if the door is infact ajar. ANUKA!!!! NO WAY!!!!

I then told him the great coincidence. Was it simply a coincidence that earlier that night I was just writing a blog to my brother? Was t just a coincidence that just as we were arguing, I was silently talking to my brother? Yeah, I was and I still am a bit scared. I never ever want to have any spiritual encounters of any kind. . . hehehe I guess even if Mama Mary herself manifests herself to me, I’d still run faster than the wind. . . never mind who! At the same time, I am amazed and relieved.

I am amazed that it may just be possible that my brother is in fact still watching over us. It amazes me that he can still hear me, read my thoughts. It fills me with relief that it is possible that even if I am now far from my family, living a life away from them. . . maybe, just maybe, my brother is keeping a watchful eye over them. . . keeping them, or at least warning them away from danger.

Yeah, it is possible. . . maybe Myke was just carried away by his over eager imagination, or perhaps. . . (though I don’t even want to think about it), whoever or whatever Myke felt last night was not my brother but someone or something else. Whatever is the truth, it really doesn’t matter. I know for a fact that God watches over my family every second of every day. I know for a fact that my brother is somewhere out there watching and praying for us. And so as I prayed in church today I talked to my brother. I asked him to pray for us. . . for our safety, for our good health, for each of us to have a bit of happiness in our lives

Never again!

I know it's been a while. I've been meaning to tell you, but . . . I guess I'm just too tired. November, can't believe how this year has changed my life so much. Two months to go, and it seems destiny has so much more in store for me. Looking back, simply saying that this year has been a roller coaster may still be an understatement. I can't even start to describe how it has changed me. I am fatigued. Nope, well. . . yes probably physically but more so emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes whenever I get the chance to stop and think, I wonder why I feel so tired. I want to get away -- for time to stop, for the world to desist from turning. To be invisible and just watch, without worry of disappointing, of hurting.

I have this ridiculous thought that I fancifully believe in my insane existence (as my husband gracefully puts it: twisted). Do you think I would die early? Sometimes I wish I would. Haha, morbid I know. But I guess that's how twisted minds think. My husband often push the stupid though aside, like it's an impossibility (is this even a word? whatever!) I sometimes think what He'd do if I actually did die early? That would be a laugh! Can you imagine if I do manage to "outdie" all the people I care about? My God! My insanity is going worse every minute!

I guess what I'm saying is I have always lived in fear that I would lose everything and everyone I hold dear. Probably this was brought on my the early death of my brother, that at a very young age I was forced to understand how quickly deadth comes and how it is irreversible no matter how hard we theaten God to bring them back. And though now, I still live in the same fear. I still call my mom every night to tell her I love them ( my family I left at home), believing I cannot take the chance. Knowing I cannot live the rest of my life if something did happen to them (knock, knock, knock) as I slept soundly at night. Every since I was a child, I have always been conscious of the fact that my parensts are older than most of my friends' parents. And because of this, I always feel as if I'm running out of time . . .that every minute of everyday, I must let them know that I love them. . . that I could lose them anytime. My husband always tell me how differently we were raised. That they have never been too "showy" in their family. For me, it's not about how we were raised. It's because we have already lost someone in our family, that made us love and appreciate each other more. Death has unexpectedly knocked on our door once. . . we will never be caught unprepared again.

I can still remember that night at the hospital. I only remember fragments though. I was so young, at 9. I knew something was wrong, we were in a hospital afterall. I remember my brother (our 2nd) sleeping inside the closet, waiting for him to wake up. I remember seeing the doctors and nurses lifting his body off the bed to change the sheets beneath him. I remember feeling his skin. . . it was cold. . . he was lifeless. He had bruises, and still I pinched him. I wanted him to stop this joke. Perhaps I too wanted to cry, or perhaps I was still too young to feel the gravity of the situation. Even when I was so young, I always believed I had to be strong for them, for her. She was crying non-stop. She cried as the pain in her legs kept her awake. She walked in circles wishing for the pain to stop. Perhaps it was not the pain in her legs, perhaps it was more from losing him. I tucked my tears, I held her legs, and tried to ease the pain away. I remember the darkness settling over our home. I felt the silence. I felt the cold. Sometimes I can still feel it when I am here.

Anyway, ever since then I knew I can lose any of them in an instant, and never again will I be caught unprepared. Sometimes, when I feel so tired like I am now, I wonder how it feels like to die. To finally return to my home, to be at peace with Him. But again, just thinking about the tears whe'll cry, and pain that will reutn tenfold, I cannot do that to her. I simply cannot bear it to see her like that again. I can't, and I refuse to be the reason for her to cry like that again, even watching from beyond.

And so, I am tired but I cannot rest. I can't rest while she has not rested. And though I dread that day to come, I know eventually it will. Until that day comes, I will make them know and feel every minute of everyday that I love each of them more than my own. And no matter how tired, sad, frustrated and angry I am, my smile and my laughter will always sound true to them.

Kuya Marlowe, you and I, we are connected. I may not had the chance to shed a million tears then, but I know you know that I express my love for you everyday whenever I share a hug, a kiss, a smile and a laughter with each of them. When my day finally comes, will you show me around?

It just simply wouldn't be me if it does not end TWISTED!