Catching up with myself. . .

Hay. . . . it has been the longest time since I last stopped for silence and checked on my thoughts. Yep, 26. Not much of a change really. Well except for the fact I can no longer call my situation a quarter-life crises, since I've surpassed that mark. . . . Hmmmm. . . what place am I now then? I guess this is what they call crossroads, the point of no return, leaping into the unknown, throwing all caution to the wind, following your instincts, listening to your heart. Actually I just call it "trusting in the Lord."

Scared? Holy mother of God, I am shaking in fear. I don't think I have ever been this . . . hmmmm . . . lets just say I am on open water. I know where I have to be, but how to traverse the great distance, I have no idea.

Yes, I have finally gotten rid of my *!#%$^ (beyond words to describe) boss. Or is it the other way around? Well, I'd like to think of it as me getting rid of him, since I resigned my post at 3M. And I'm pretty sure my resignation has caused him a little worry. . . which I'm betting is only for his own sake. Anyway, am now filled with both relief and great worry. Jobless is what I am. I've been counting on this great company to save me from the nothingness of the cold dark water, but no matter how hard and high I wave my arms out into the air, they seem not see nor to hear my pleas. Oh, I do wish they'd stop baiting me if the answer is simply "no." How could I so fuck up a psychological exam that they have ceased contacting me after I identified those moth-like ink stains at dancing skirted elephants, and crustacians on pyramid? Can anyone actually be so twisted and demented as to fuck up an obviously objective exam as that? My God! Am I really that loony that they have seen through my calm, happy facade? O was it that I wasn't wearing my business attire when I took the exam? Well, heck! I didn't know there was gonna be an interview!!!

To top it all off, my best friend and my greates foe has been accepted on a great opportunity at NJ. Honestly, and may God strike me dead if I'm lying, I am not jealous at all. I can't really say I'm jumping for joy since I still can't stop myself from holding a grudge against her for ignoring me after a series of attempts on my part to sincerely apologize. But it's just not one of those instances where I'd hysterically wish I was in her shoes. I guess it would be a good break for me if I were to land at a job abroad. But for someone who is constantly in search for happiness, will working abroad make me happy? I've asked Myke this before. . . Should I want what they want? Should I pattern my path to their destiny? I'm a less of a person because I am content with what I have, or that I want something different? Does that make them better persons? Does that mean they are more successful? Or perhaps I am merely a loser finding solace in the concept of "spritual success." Can someone tell me how can make my life more successful?

And so I am facing an indefinite period of "bumness" or is it "bumnity"? hehehe. . . But I bum in confidence that God will give me direction anytime soon. He will. Oh God, please tell me you will!

And so my wedding is one more island I have to reach without a vest or the skill. Money. hehehe. . . I guess that is an issue easiest to resolve. That is once God gives me that direction . . . . please God just one phone call telling me "yes"! My father. He is "the jaw." The ORCA in our love story. Nah, it's not that he disapproves of Myke. I guess he just doesn't want to see me in a relationship, or worse, married until after I become successful in his eyes. And by that "success" I am not referring to spiritual success. It's not that I don't want to be successful. . . . It's just that . . . I don't know. I guess I was meant to be a loser. . . . I have no dreams, I have no goals.

Happiness. This is how I measure my success. Not my own, but the people I love. I used to think I was successful because I satisfied everyone's dreams for me. I was successful in their eyes, but I was not happy. I lay awake in bed at night and prayed to God for happiness. I was miserably successful. Life sometimes is so unfair. Now, I know I should be happy. . . and I am. But I am miserable knowing that I am a disappointment to the people I love. I am miserable knowing that I have failed fulfilling their dreams, because I chose to fulfill my own.

I know I have no fault. My conscience lays still as I sleep peacefully at night. My conscience is silent but my whole being hears my heart cry. Oh, why can't they just wish me happiness, as they should. I am the luckiest woman in the world, yet I am a disappointment in their eyes. Why must I be the fulfiller of their own dreams? They had their chance, why should I suffer the same fate as theirs?

I have made my decision. I may end up finding that happiness, or perhaps I may end up with nothing. But I would rather suffer a mistake I made on my own than to forever blame them for making me so miserable.