Myke and I on our way to Crystal's b-day party! I love you bebe ko! He's in Singapore eh. . . kaya medyo sad ako.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Demoting Friends
Actually, I'm currently watching American Idol so I can't seem to concentrate on writing this post. I already know they kicked Anwar off (thanks to AI message boards) so I'm a little disappointed and care little in watching tonight's show. Still, I would like to see Anwar one last time. . . crush ko kaya sya kahit bading "daw" sya!
Anyway, what's been troubling me lately? Hmmmm. . . Actually, I'm a little sad about the wedding. No, Myke and I are fine. We do fight something fierce once in a while. But I guess all couples do experience the same.
I'm actually bothered because I can't seem to decide who to invite to our wedding. I promised myself to invite only close friends and relatives. Friends and relatives who actually mean so much to me that the celebration wouldn't actually be complete without their presence. But I find myself listing on blank paper because I can't think of friends who are actually friends.
Quality vs. quantity. Form vs. substance.
I try to convince myself that I need not worry about the number of friends I invite because surely my closest friends are well secured on my entourage line-up and the few who are not, have confirmed attendance and have expressed their great joy for my great fortune. However, there are those who have fell along the way. Friends who have been close once, but now can't even seem to smile with the news. Sometimes I feel as if I want to grab them by the shoulders and ask them. . . "Ano ba, hindi ka ba masaya para sa akin? Why can't you just be happy for me? Can't you see how elated I am to spread this great news? Are you really a friend? Then why can't you just be happy for me?"
I ask myself, why? I don't know. I had hoped that at this incredible moment of my life I could just shout out to the world how happy I am. If I could just make everyone see how lucky I am and proud at what a perfect match Myke and I are. But how could I, when supposed friends could only shrug the news off as if I just told them I went to the dentist that morning. It's depressing actually, to realize that your friends have simply become mere acquaintances.
My sister gave me my old pictures way way back from prep and elementary. It's sad seeing how I have lost so many close, valuable friends. It's even more sad to realize that most of the good ones I have lost communication with, and the pretend ones . . . well they are there lurking on special days.
Perhaps because of time apart (since of most of them I have known in elementary or high school), or some petty disagreements that should have long been forgotten and forgiven. Is it because they think me proud because I can do nothing else but to beam with pride? Or is it because that they are jealous because it hasn't happened yet to them. Then maybe again, they just don't care.
Getting married, I guess is one of the happiest moments in a woman's life. To find that certain someone who has pledged his life, his love and his loyalty to you forever, is indeed a blessing from God himself. Ofcourse, how can one expect me to stay quiet about it? If I could announce it to the world, I would. How can they be so selfish as to rob me of this moment of joy and pride? Can't they, for one second, stop thinking about their own woes and sorrows and celebrate this miracle with me. . . to sincerely and honestly be happy for me?
And so now, I am in a dilemma. I know for formality's sake I will invite these acquaintances, but I feel in my heart I shouldn't. My whole life I have dealt with friends who stab me behind my back, and friends who smile at me with their asses. On my wedding day, I need it to be perfect. If these acquaintances can't be happy for me, then I guess I will be most happy without them.
That is, if only I had the guts.
Anyway, what's been troubling me lately? Hmmmm. . . Actually, I'm a little sad about the wedding. No, Myke and I are fine. We do fight something fierce once in a while. But I guess all couples do experience the same.
I'm actually bothered because I can't seem to decide who to invite to our wedding. I promised myself to invite only close friends and relatives. Friends and relatives who actually mean so much to me that the celebration wouldn't actually be complete without their presence. But I find myself listing on blank paper because I can't think of friends who are actually friends.
Quality vs. quantity. Form vs. substance.
I try to convince myself that I need not worry about the number of friends I invite because surely my closest friends are well secured on my entourage line-up and the few who are not, have confirmed attendance and have expressed their great joy for my great fortune. However, there are those who have fell along the way. Friends who have been close once, but now can't even seem to smile with the news. Sometimes I feel as if I want to grab them by the shoulders and ask them. . . "Ano ba, hindi ka ba masaya para sa akin? Why can't you just be happy for me? Can't you see how elated I am to spread this great news? Are you really a friend? Then why can't you just be happy for me?"
I ask myself, why? I don't know. I had hoped that at this incredible moment of my life I could just shout out to the world how happy I am. If I could just make everyone see how lucky I am and proud at what a perfect match Myke and I are. But how could I, when supposed friends could only shrug the news off as if I just told them I went to the dentist that morning. It's depressing actually, to realize that your friends have simply become mere acquaintances.
My sister gave me my old pictures way way back from prep and elementary. It's sad seeing how I have lost so many close, valuable friends. It's even more sad to realize that most of the good ones I have lost communication with, and the pretend ones . . . well they are there lurking on special days.
Perhaps because of time apart (since of most of them I have known in elementary or high school), or some petty disagreements that should have long been forgotten and forgiven. Is it because they think me proud because I can do nothing else but to beam with pride? Or is it because that they are jealous because it hasn't happened yet to them. Then maybe again, they just don't care.
Getting married, I guess is one of the happiest moments in a woman's life. To find that certain someone who has pledged his life, his love and his loyalty to you forever, is indeed a blessing from God himself. Ofcourse, how can one expect me to stay quiet about it? If I could announce it to the world, I would. How can they be so selfish as to rob me of this moment of joy and pride? Can't they, for one second, stop thinking about their own woes and sorrows and celebrate this miracle with me. . . to sincerely and honestly be happy for me?
And so now, I am in a dilemma. I know for formality's sake I will invite these acquaintances, but I feel in my heart I shouldn't. My whole life I have dealt with friends who stab me behind my back, and friends who smile at me with their asses. On my wedding day, I need it to be perfect. If these acquaintances can't be happy for me, then I guess I will be most happy without them.
That is, if only I had the guts.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)