Finding mine so empty

I seem to have lost all words. At this point in my life, I feel as if I have no energy to write, or to put all my emotions into words. Habit has insisted upon me to write, as I so often catch myself thinking to myself great lines that I can eventually write, that is if I could remember most of them. I don't. One moment I am filled with emotion, and next I am left with nothing but emptiness. If it has something to do with my lack of work, I don't know. Perhaps, but I know I have to put this instance in my life into words, otherwise it would just be one of my forgotten memories.

March 9, 2005, my mom and I pushed for Cotabato. Flight was scheduled to leave at 10:10 am. However, PAL custom delayed our flight to around 11:30. We were suppose to leave the day before, but my dad, being who he is, shouted his way into making prisoners out of us.

My dad. I don't know what happened. One moment I was so bent into doing absolutely anything to make him look upon me with pride in his eyes then next, there was nothing. How can you cease to love a a person whom you have loved your whole life?

Sometimes I think to myself that I am too old to be a at rebellious stage in my life. Good grades, great work, and a promising career. I had them all once, but they mean nothing to me. I had them because I thought I needed to. Because I thought that if I can be everything what my dad wanted me to be, I can make him proud. Because I thought if I rush into making all his dreams come true, I can still have ample time left to make my own. But dreams never do come to an end, just like the thirst of man for more can never be satiated.

I resigned my post at 3M. My lack of satisfaction from my work has pushed me to take great risks into the unknown. Perhaps it was pride that pushed me, but I was unhappy and and I needed a change. I knew the risks, and I embraced them.

My dad. He has disowned me before. Haha, well at least that's how I want to refer to it. I was still in college then, and I failed to reach the retention grade for one of my accounting subjects. I don't remember how I told my dad, perhaps my mom did. But I do remember how he did not talk to me and completely ignored me for more than a trimester. I realized then how much I am worth to my dad. I should have known things have not changed a bit even now.

My dad hinks I was fired. Can you you believe that? My dad has made a story in his mind that the reason I lost my job was because I was fired. No, he did not ask me why I resigned. He did not ask me once how I felt. He just concocted the story and believed with his heart that I was fired. Ofcourse, what else could have happened to his dumb, ill-mannered, rebellious daughter but got fired?

When I heard about this from my sister and my mom, I was devastated. I just lost all will to be. All my life, everything that I ever worked for was to make them proud. One of my greatest fears was to fail, and make them feel that all their work was wasted. How can he even judge me like that? When all I ever wanted was an approving smile from him. When all I wanted to hear from him was reasuurance that he will love me, even when I experience a few bumps on the road.

And so now, I find myself without direction. How can one follow one path one moment, and make a sharp turn the next. How can I live someone else's dream one moment, and try to rebuild my own dream I have trashed a long time ago? How can I follow that path now when I have wasted so much time? How can I love him again after he has shown me how lowly he thinks of me? How can I feel sympathy for him now that he is weak and sick, when he has not shown sympathy for me when I was lost and desolate? He is my father, and I know I should love him. But there is no love left. I am empty.

Anyway, going back to our trip. It was almost ruined because my dad, again, believed that my mom and I were going on a secret mission to Cotabato. I don't know all the made-up story as my mom did not tell me everything. She just said that he thought we were probably travelling with Myke (he does not approve of Myke), and perhaps my mom was sending us off to get married, or something like that. Not a bad idea though, but still it was another straw pulled out of my patience.

I will get married with our without his blessings.

Going back again. My trip with my mom was great. I've always loved my mom, even when we fight, I love her. And our trip back to memory lane made me love her and be proud of her even more. You can't imagine how many great friends she left at Cotabato. Every corner of every street, someone knew her and they remembered. After 25 years, they still remembered her. They love her. Most of them have grown old, as my mom has. Some have already joined the Maker. But one cannot deny the joy in their eyes when they first see my mom. It weren't mere smiles or pretentious laughter that I saw or heard. There were jubilant leaps, warm hugs, great stories, and painful goodbyes. I have to stop my tears from falling everytime we have to leave and say goodbye to friends. How do you say goodbye to someone for the last time? How do you hug or kiss someone enough when you know you will never get the chance to see them again. In all this pain, I found myself kissing and hugging my moms friends, probably even tighter than my mom. I wanted to hug and kiss them to make them my own. I wanted to bring them all with me just so I can see my mom smile the way I've seen her smile during our trip. To witness her so happy, the way I've never seen her before.

My mom. She has touched so many people's lives. Her friends are great people. Sincere, simple, loving people. I just wish I could even come close to what she has achieved. She has not made friends, but she has made a family out of them. I envy my mom, for having such wonderful friends. I envy her for being who she is. I envy her for being so simply successful in her life. When I grow old, I want to be like my mom for she has found the kind of success my dad could only dream of.